Answering a reasonable question
10Apr2008 Filed under: Adoption, Parenting, Uncategorized, work work work Author: DawnNot only is this question reasonable, it’s one I ask myself. AidelMaidel says, gently:
But sometimes I wonder (and that’s only based on what you write here - obviously your life is much more complex then your blog) if you are quick to label Madison’s separation anxiety as an outcropping of her adoption. Couldn’t it just be that Madison is a kid who has an issue with separation - regardless of the adoption? I know you have Noach to compare to, but what about just Madison - couldn’t it be possible, if the adoption issue was removed from the picture, that she was just a kid who severe separation anxiety? That it’s just part of her nature? There are plenty of “outgoing” kids who deal with separation anxiety (even severe).
I could be quick to label it, yes, sure. I don’t think I am but I might be. If she weren’t adopted and she was who she is but had the same extreme reaction, I’d still be surprised and I’d still be apt to analyze it a little bit because 1) my mind works that way; and 2) her reactions really do seem at odds with the rest of who she is under other circumstances. I would never tell Madison that she is acting a certain way because of her adoption because I can’t know. And also because it doesn’t matter, which is more to the point. Like I wrote before (and am too lousy to link), I have learned that there isn’t a perfect Madison who might have been if only… There is perfect Madison who is. But I do have to say that thinking “this could be adoptionish” does give me more patience because sometimes her change of personality gives me whiplash. (I am learning to expect this clingy reaction more though even as I marvel her otherwise boisterous and outgoing nature. Is it an adoption issue? Is it a parenting issue? Turns out it doesn’t matter if it’s one, the other, both or neither. It just needs attention.)
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5 Responses to “Answering a reasonable question”
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About Me
I have two kids and a delightfully odd husband, Brett. My children are Noah (born to us in 1997) and Madison (born to her first mom, Pennie, in 2004 and brought to our family through a domestic, open adoption). They are my inspiration and also the reason I don't get more done around here.
I'm a writer and sometimes I get published, which is a nice thing. I write for joy, I write for money and when I'm very lucky, both things happen at the same time. My work appears in national publications including Yoga Journal, Disney's Family.com, Utne, Wondertime, Brain Child and Salon. Currently I am working on a book about my daughter's adoption and seeking representation for the proposal. I also own Smart Cookie Communications with my husband.
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Angela
April 10th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
In our case this (adoption vs. just typicial for the specific kid or other kids) gets compounded by attachment issues that creep up (we have setbacks every now and then) - I usually get the “but my kid does the same thing and she is not adopted or doesn’t have attachment issues” and that could very well be but I’ve learned to trust my inner voice….the problem for me is that I’ve stressed about it which is why I loved the comment you left…ultimately it doesn’t matter what the reason is as long as I’m addressing it…so really…I should not stress about it (over think it). I’m sure it will either be ok at the end or I’ll be paying some hefty therapy bills (for both of us!LOL)
Lisa V
April 10th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
There are certainly things about Mallory that I immediately attribute to adoption- but that is always based on genetics rather than loss. She is shy- “just like Noelle” , she is earnest- “just like K”, she hates meat- “just like Noelle”. Some of this may be just who she is rather than where she came from. I don’t know, I can’t separate the two. She is adopted and she is Mallory. I don’t know Mallory who could have been born to me or Mallory who was raised by Noelle. That kid doesn’t exist.
We’ve been so open and interested in adoption in general and in Mallory’s adoption in particular that I have worried that I have made that to identifiable in Mallory’s mind and others. Family has also told me that I was emphasizing Mallory’s adoption too much. I really have no idea if that is true. She seems well adjusted with it. I don’t think I have created any additional angst that adoption itself didn’t bring with it. I decided a long time ago to error on openess and honesty.
Sometimes I worry that she will have a Jan Brady moment and instead of “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia” it will be “adoption, adoption, adoption.” I do know that she knows I am not threatened by the fact that I didn’t give birth to her, and that I am proud of how she entered our life. I model that she doesn’t have to choose who to love. Does she interpet the message the way I send it? I don’t know.
So while I don’t see loss illustrating itself in the ways you do, I think that your aim is true. I think you have Madison’s best interest at heart and you are likely dealing with her issues the way that best suits her, no matter what the cause.
cynthia
April 10th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
I agree with the comments so far, and also with how you’re handling it (whatever “it” is, and from wherever “it” came). My son- also an extrovert, also adopted as an infant and also about the same age, doesn’t have separation anxiety like that. but he does have it more than i would have expected, given his insanely confident and outgoing nature. i think how you respond to it is what’s most imortant, regardless of where its coming from. and if thinking its adoption related gives you more patience with that clinginess, then hey! take it where you can get it is what i say.
Suz
April 10th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Just something to keep in mind. Does Pennie have any anxiety issues? I agree with most posters, it seems age appropriate and certainly possibly related to adoption, but just keep in the back of your mind if it continues it may not be adoption or age - it might be genetics. She might have been anxious she was raised by Pennie. My daughter has serious anxiety disorder (as do I). Is that situational or dispositional? Who can tell.
And I was very pleased to see Lisa V statement about “that child doesnt exist”. I am often chided for acknowledging the fact that my daughter, the daughter my daughter was intended to be by the laws of nature, no longer exists. Some other version does - and I love her just to same. For me to hang onto my fantasy, the daughter of my dreams (prior to reunion) is lose out (IMO) on the daughter that is.
Lilian
April 12th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
I’m glad that the question was asked and that you wrote some more about it. I was wondering about the same thing while thinking about my own boys. Of course there’s no way to know either way and it doesn’t apply to us, but I often wonder why both my boys cling to us so much. K and I were extremely outgoing as babies and young children. Our parents report that we’d go with anyone who offered to carry us. Our own baby/childhoods notwithstanding, both our boys had stranger anxiety, separation anxiety and always want to be with mommy or daddy, even at the age of almost 4 and 6. Both of them do not like to talk to people who come over to the house (even loved relatives) and it takes a long time for them to warm up. And they dislike meeting strangers. I’m sure that if they begin taking whatever lessons (we’re thinking about doing swimming), it’ll be a huge adjustment for them. Other than this initial shock, both of them are quite outgoing, but they do tend to prefer mommy or daddy to help them or console them in distress.
So… I don’t know. I have no idea why they are like that. Sometimes I have the impulse of blaming it on attachment parenting, extended nursing, co-sleeping, parenting to sleep, and the like. What do you think?