I slept for an hour, Madison is still sleeping, it’s a beautiful day. Someone did call for Noah to have a playdate but since I didn’t feel safe driving and her car only seats two in the back, we had to say no. It was a big deal that I said no because generally I say, “Why yes! Of course!” and then I hang up the phone and cry. Instead I hung up the phone and Noah cried.

So for those of you who suggested calling for help, are you any good at that? Because I’m really not. Says one of my L friends, “You’re really bad at being vulnerable, aren’t you?” I took offense to that; it made me feel vulnerable to hear her say it. (Seriously.)

I just don’t ask for help much. And if I do, I feel so guilty that I end up heaping more on my plate like baking cookies for them while I should be sleeping. I can accept help, sometimes. My mother-in-law will come take the kids but it’s hard for me to ask her to do that for something not concerete (like I can ask for an appointment but because I want to take a nap? No way).

My mom is the same way as is her mom. It’s in the Roland genes, perhaps.

I don’t even like writing this entry because I know people will say things like, “Dawn, if you ever need help, let me know.” And I will write back, “Thanks but everything is just great and I never need help!” Or, “Dawn, asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.” And I will write back, “Thanks! I will make a note of it!” But then I will secretly think, “I’ll show them! I’ll do it all myself!”

But in any case, the nap worked, coffee is now in my system. All is well.

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