this woman’s work

Susan asked me questions

Apr 11, 2007 The Story of My Life

Because I begged. It’s part of The Interview Meme and the deal is I answer these and then if you want questions, post that you do and I’ll rack my small brain and come up with some. (But be patient with me. I’m slow to these things.)

My questions and my answers:

1. What is the best and worst thing about being a blogger?
Best: I’ve met some swell people and quite a few of then have become in real life friends. I’ve also gotten some jobs out of it. (The one gnawing at me right now? She found me via my blog.) And it’s been great writing practice. It’s how I found out that I really love narrative nonfiction and how I found out that I’m good at it and how I learned to love my audience and to realize that if you’re not serving your reader, you’re not doing your job as a writer.

Worst: Timesuck. Always feel like crap for not participating in the community (i.e., answering and leaving comments) more. The drama (and sometimes cruelty) that crops up. The bullies.

2. Where and how did you meet your spouse? I love that you describe him as Delightfully Odd. I’d love to hear more about that.
I met Brett 3/27 or 3/26 2000 when I was a mere 20-years old. (This has become interesting to me of late because I did all of my dating as a teen, meaning I have never had an adult relationship with anyone but Brett although I slept around enough that I have no regrets. Heh.) I picked him up at Mean Mister Mustard’s, this bar that played “alternative” (i.e., The Cult, Pet Shop Boys and Ministry) music. I was out with my girlfriends for our Tuesday dance night and I noticed a sorry-looking but handsome fellow in the corner. I thought he was very cute because he had a big nose and that’s a look I like awfully. He had that haircut the boys had back then — side-part with a big swath of bangs hanging into his eyes. (My, he had a lot of hair then!) I thought about going up to him but you know, I was there with my girlfriends and one does not hit on boys on girls’ night out. But then we were watching these frat boys dancing to Fight the Power (Public Enemy) and I said, with disdain, “God, they look like such white boys!” and Brett leaned over and said, “Light boys?” And I said, “No! White boys!” And then it was love. Or almost. We moved in together three months later.

On our first date we were driving to the restaurant and Brett said, “Hey, what does quandary mean?” So I told him and he spent the rest of the night using it like this, “Where should we eat? It’s quite a quandary.” and “Here’s a quandary, I don’t have exact change.” Which is when I realized that the reason this terribly handsome man hadn’t been snatched up by a terribly beautiful woman was that he was weird and so I had a shot at him.

Brett isn’t outright strange — he’s just a bit of an absent-minded professor kind of fellow. Examples:

• For one year he tried to start the catchphrase “toblerone” meaning “terrific.” He’d walk around saying, “Wow, that pie was toblerone!” but it never caught on.
• During our early relationship he announced that his goal in life was to retire so he would mow the lawn wearing shorts with black socks. And he was dead serious. (Fortunately, Brett has decided not to wait for retirement to live his dreams.)
• At one of his old cubicle-jockey jobs, he made it a point to keep his cubicle absolutely bare. One of his co-workers told him that a supervisor came by and said, “Does anyone work here? This cubicle looks unused” he was very proud. He wanted to stay anonymous. Then when Noah was born he called in that day to say he wouldn’t be at work and his co-workers all said to each other, “Brett has a wife? And she was pregnant?”
• Around the same time he owned only khaki pants and dark blue polos. He wanted to be able to wear the same thing every day to take the bother out of dressing and so people might not notice him too much. This makes him sound OCD but actually it was just kind of an experiment for him.
• When he gives his name at restaurants, he always gives it as Tom Thompson. He likes to slip under the radar.
• For a long time his nickname for me was Toast. I don’t know why.
• Once he was bored at a party so he took out a dime and started unscrewing the lightswitch panels. He didn’t realize what he was doing until the hostess came over and asked him to stop.

3. I really want to hear about YOUR writing schedule as a homeschooling mom. How and when do you write? And where??
I don’t know how. I really don’t. And when? Whenever I can. Frankly, it’s been awful and I’ve been very very very unhappy for the past three years (more than I’ve ever let on on-blog because I’m like that). I don’t recommend it. I HATE IT when writing moms do this brisk little, “You can do it if you try!” thing about writing from home with kids. You CAN do it but it’s more than try — it’s luck, too. And it’s the kind of writer you are and the kind of writing you do. For me, it’s more than the time to write — it’s the space I need in my brain and the alone time I need to recharge and think. I don’t get that and that’s what’s making me crazy. It’s one reason this blog is important to me — it’s daily writing and I rarely edit (I mean, I’ll do a quick scan to catch any outstanding typos but this is really freewriting) and it’s a relief to do it. It’s a bit of a sanctuary, which is why I can get so wrought up in online drama, too. When Noah was small, I could write because he was just one kid and he’s a pretty independent little soul who would happily play while I wrote. Madison needs/wants a lot more attention (and supervision!). What keeps me going is knowing that there WILL be time (and this is really why we’re trying to get Brett a flexible schedule — I really need some help — and why Noah is doing virtual school next year — so mommy might be less crazy.)

4. If you could learn to do a certain kind of work that you currently don’t know how to do, what would it be? and why?
Ugh. I need to learn to market myself. Actually I need to learn to DO the things I know I need to do to market myself.

5. When are you coming out West to have a Margarita with me? OK, OK. Real question: What are your travel plans for the next 12 months?
The only thing I know for certain is that I’m part of a panel at this conference: Encountering New Worlds of Adoption. This was my abstract:

SOMEONE ELSE’S SHOES: HOW DIALOGUE ON-BLOG IMPACTED A REAL LIFE ADOPTION

When I began blogging our adoption, it was for an audience mostly made up of fellow infertile women. It was with some surprise, then, that I received my first comment from a woman who had placed her son for adoption. [Dawn's note: this was from Maxine]

In traditional adoption rhetoric, there is a chasm between adoptive parents and first parents. Our local adoption support group is made up entirely of adoptive families and our agency’s training included one scant hour with a birth mother. In my personal life I knew some first mothers, but our relationships were not created in the context of adoption and our shared sensitivity to the topic usually amounted to avoidance.

Through my blog I began to converse with first mothers who openly challenged some of my assumptions and concerns. [Along with Maxine, the first of these were magicpointeshoe and Katie E. who does not publicly blog.] Throughout our adoption process I have relied on the input of these first mothers whose comments helped me make sense of the structure of our new family and my role as an adoptive mother.

If I get rich or marginally successful, I will totally come out and hang out with Susan although I would be absolutely intimidated. (Fortunately she seems nice despite being this smart, successful, funny, fabulous woman so I shouldn’t be too scared!)

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