Because I miss my handsome, dimpled cohort, I’ve been thinking about the many ways I tried to sabotage our relationship at the beginning. Like periodically breaking up with him (the first time I broke up with him was because I took him to a comedy club and he laughed and I felt laughing at comedy clubs was terribly un-punk rock), and calling ex-boyfriends all the time. Every time we’d take a step to towards more commitment (after we moved in together, after he proposed, just before we moved to Portland) I’d call up an ex-boyfriend and complain about Brett. It was a lousy thing to do but I was terrified. (And because I’m a loud-mouth, I always ended up telling Brett who somehow survived all that without being jealous. I think he knew me better than I knew myself.)

Then, right after we got married, I got a crush on a guy I worked with who was a complete and utter jerk, which is the type of guy I generally fell for pre-Brett.

It scared me to think of being happy and to think of being caught in happiness.

The boy I was dating just before Brett was sort of custom-made for a girl afraid of happiness. Not that we were really dating — it was more about sex. This guy was a mess and none too nice (not mean either, really, just too screwed up to really be boyfriend material). He had a little face like a cat and he made my knees go weak. He disapproved of Brett — who had his own baggage — but when I said, “Listen, do you think you could ever love me? Because I think this guy could.” He admitted that he didn’t know if we had any kind of future, which wasn’t the same as giving his blessing but at least he could see my point.

I watch my little sisters and Jessica working out their own relationship stuff and it brings it all back; it’s so hard. It’s hard even if you find the perfect partner (because nobody’s perfect). I watch them make some of the same mistakes I did and I watch them make better choices than I ever could. I feel lucky that all my sabotage efforts went for naught. (And I am forever grateful for ex-boyfriend E who refused to meet me in-person to say good-bye before we moved to Portland because he sensed I was vulnerable. E always was a gentleman. Sorta. Anyway he was nice, which was why I dumped him.)

Bookmark
SubscribeBloglinesDiggdel.icio.usFacebookStumbleUponTechnorati

Related posts