I’m going to be bitchy here
Sep 24, 2005 The Story of My Life
I’m going to try not to be but I’m afraid I won’t succeed. Know that I’m trying.
I appreciate the good intentions in the advice I get sometimes from posting this or that or the other thing on my blog. I’m owning my annoyance and I’m not going to put that on someone who’s taken the time out to share something they think might be helpful. But then I thought I could maybe give a heads up about the nature of my blog and maybe the nature of other blogs and this would be a good reminder for me since I give unasked for advice, too.
1. Blog entries don’t always effectively share what the writer means to write. There’s an old entry of mine that I wrote about visualization and if you read the comments, you’ll see that while I was writing about visualization, my readers were reading about multiplication tables. (Becca pointed this out to me and also pointed out the different ways I could turn that entry into an essay. It was very helpful. I feel like the person is assuming that I don’t know what I’m doing. Or even worse, that they think I’m doing it badly.
4. There is lots of info in the archives and while any reader is most certainly NOT under any obligation to read archives to any blog they happen upon, know that you might be missing something when you post advice. I’ve done this before and sadly I’m sure I’ll do it again. I’ll post, “Have you thought about trying this?” Ignoring that there’s a whole post just two months back about how they tried this and hated it or it failed miserably and made things worse.
Several people wrote me after reading the entry below and said, “My child is sensitive, too, and I’m pretty darn sure it’s nature not nurture.” That made me feel better, thanks. And a few people gave me thoughtful advice on how to deal with it. I appreciate your good intentions but unfortunately it just made me feel defensive. It made me want to write an entry about how the skateboard incident discussion played out (you’ll see I didn’t address it much other than mentioning Peter Parker) and about how we’ve dealt with things in the past (although that is in the archives). In short, it made me feel kinda lousy, which I know was not anyone’s intention. But see, I didn’t ask what people thought I should do about Noah’s sensitivity because actually it’s a part of my parenting in which I feel pretty confident. Yes, I question the homeschooling vs. schooling (thus the entry) but not enough to enroll the kid, just enough to write a blog entry about it. But the day-to-day living with a thin-skinned child? I’m in my element.
OK, rant off. Please don’t be hurt if you’re one of the (several) people who wrote with tips — I do know that you meant (and mean) well. And if we were face-to-face, I’d say it. I should have said it by email but then I thought I’d write it here because I’m too lazy to write that many emails.
September 24th, 2005 at 1:24 pm
My Em is really sensitive too. I’m glad I homeschool her.
I hear you on the people not getting or reading what you wrote thing. I wrote a while back about feeling unappreciated as a SaHM, that I wished I got some time off, etc. My friends with jobs all got pissy and told me to stop whining and that their lives weren’t so great “as I was implying”. Which, I’d never written at all. It was frustrating and I felt very mis understood - it wasn’t what I’d said and suddenly we were debating apples but I was talking about persimmons.
September 24th, 2005 at 2:09 pm
I used to prickle at well-meaning but misdirected comments/advice. But THEN I discovered the Secret To Ultimate Inner Peace! Which I will now share with you….
Kidding.
I still growl, often, when I get unsolicited advice. I then feel silly for doing that, since I have comments open on my blog, and I don’t have a big “NO ASSVICE” disclaimer in place, which I’ve considered adding…
Blogs are a weird medium where people have different rules of interaction, but the format across all blogs is so similar, that it’s hard to realize “this person desires helpful comments, and this person does not”, and it’s VERY hard (especially for busybodies such as me) to resist offering up advice, particularly when someone seems to be suffering through something that I’ve suffered through before, or when my advice isn’t along the lines of the stunningly obvious.
It’s so easy to submit a comment. No envelope, no stamp, no walking to the post office box.. I guess it would be too much to ask that everyone think before posting.
In typical fashion, I’m not going to think too much before I hit “Post”. I apologize in advance for any teeth-grinding idiocy that might have creeped its way into this comment.
September 24th, 2005 at 3:05 pm
It’s a hard line to hold — I like having a blog that is a conversation, with give-and-take, but I have received comments so hurtful I felt I could not write publicly anymore. (But then I thought about how that gives a victory to the person who wrote the hurtful comments. Reason enough to keep writing despite the sometimes hurtful comments.)
September 24th, 2005 at 4:58 pm
Hi! I loved your text! It’s so true. I often stubled upon the weirdest comments. But hey, I think people often feel good about themselves if they can share their opinnions. However in my last post I’m actually asking for my readers’ advice. So if you feel like it come by http://www.soulkin.com/index.php/2005/09/24/which-way/
Thank you so much!
September 24th, 2005 at 5:17 pm
This happens on my blog all the time. Recently I was dealing with some tooth issues, and people kept giving me all this advice that either I had already said I tried or wouldn’t go for this situation (i.e. I live in a town in the middle of nowhere and there are no dental universities). When it is advice about Bugaboo, it bugs me sometimes too. I try not to let it, because I am putting my thoughts out there so sometimes people must feel like that means I want advice. But really, most of the time I don’t, unless I say, “Well what should I do?”
Then again, sometimes the advice is very helpful. But the thing that bothers me most is the fact that my blog entries are just a tiny snapshot of the whole big picture, and so to give advice based on that…
That all being said, I know I give assvice too. I think it is part of the whole comment thing. Somebody writes about their dog running away, and our natural instinct is to want to help them by passing on what WE did with OUR dog.
Anyway, I get what you are saying and I will stop rambling now.
September 24th, 2005 at 8:47 pm
I don’t blog for this very reason. I hate getting advice. But funny enough I am often one to try to give it. Terrible I know. I come from a long line of “fixers”. My mother and grandmother were infamous buttinskies (no idea how to spell that one). I reread what I wrote and I think it could have come across as ad(ass)vice. I even gave it on of those annoying assvice disclaimers. But it actually wasn’t intended that way. More like just my musings on the topic and how I think about it now and imagine I might handle it in the future. Not so much, this is what you should do but I wonder what I would do…here are my thoghts on the topic.
I think one thing that is important to keep in mind too is that sometimes the commenters are sometimes trying to have a conversation in a medium that doesn’t really lend itself to that. Given the medium of blogging and commenting and how it works the commenters end up having the last word so it comes across differently than intended. In a conversation there would be give and take rather than the I share, then you share, then the conversation is over that you get with a comment enabled blog. It is kind of a wierd dynamic when you think about it. Did you ever notice how there are often conversations that take place in comments sections but they are often between the commenters without the participation of the original blogger. Just interesting, not sure where I am going with that. It is a fascinating medium of communication though. so different than anything else I can think of.
I’m really glad you wrote this though and it didn’t come across as bitchy. Just honest.
September 25th, 2005 at 3:46 am
I definitely don’t want advice from any reader.
- w/your permission and copyright of course…
It can be well meant but so often - quite hurtful. I am not sure how it happens but it does.
Where is the trackback on this - ‘casue this should be posted in every blog
September 25th, 2005 at 9:12 am
Very well said, Dawn. Boy, do I think about this stuff a lot — and grit my teeth a lot, and count to ten a lot, and…
September 26th, 2005 at 10:36 am
I have a different perspective on all of this, which is that as much as I don’t wish for Dawn to be annoyed, I like hearing the others’ advice myself (assuming it’s nicely put, of course!). Even if it doesn’t directly apply to me.
It’s like reading “Dear Abby” almost, only here it’s much more nuanced.
That said, it’s not MY blog, and I can appreciate the fact that’s it’s not typically enjoyable to get unsolicited advice. Perhaps people could phrase their advice-y comments in such a way that it’s addressed to a more general audience, and not to Dawn specifically?