this woman's work

Another perspective

Dawn — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 17:56:06 +0000

Ginger (a first mom) said:

I felt hurt when my daughter’s parents didn’t refer to her as theirs until they took her home. They didn’t even get the nursery ready (she slept in their room) until she was home. I just didn’t understand why they couldn’t believe that baby was theirs and the decision made. I had some concern that NOT doing those things meant that they weren’t committed to her. What if some better baby came along, one with a better family health history? Perhaps silly fears on my part…

Honestly, Pennie likely could have written this. At one point during our match our social worker talked to Pennie’s social worker and found out that Pennie was worried that we weren’t excited enough about the prospect of having Madison. And she was annoyed that I would say IF she placed Madison with us, IF Madison came home, etc. Pennie felt like she’d made up her mind and that I wasn’t honoring this.

So our social worker, Denise, told us that we needed to tell Pennie what we were doing to get ready and assure her that we were indeed excited about her choosing us and thrilled at the idea of being Madison’s parents.

I had to think on this for awhile but the next time Pennie and I talked I told her that I would be happy to tell all about what we’d done to get ready with the caveat that she understand that I wasn’t being presumptuous and assuming that her daughter was already mine. I said something like, “I know you feel absolutely sure right now and I totally trust your feelings about that but I need you to hear me say that I also know that you have to meet Madison first and I want you to remember that we understand if you change your mind.”

It was important to me that she hear me say that I believed her now but would not in any way feel betrayed if she changed her mind; that we wouldn’t hold her to pre-baby promises. I remember, too, that I made her repeat this back to me. I wanted it to be very clear to her because once Madison was born, I didn’t want her to feel hemmed in by the plans that we — Brett and I — had made. I didn’t want her to feel like she owed us anything.

I think about Pennie when I read the “our baby is due” posts because Pennie was one of those absolutely sure expectant mothers and you know, Madison’s arrival changed things. I know you can point to Madison being here in our family to say, “See? She always knew she’d place!” but that’s far too simplistic. She had to make that decision all over again once Madison arrived and it was seven hundred million zillion trillion times harder than it was beforehand. Denise (our social worker) told us repeatedly that whatever a woman says when she’s pregnant is NOT a placement predictor — that there is always Always ALWAYS a 50/50 chance that a woman will leave the hospital with her baby no matter how sure she is before the baby arrives.

So see, I think that hopeful adoptive parents need to know this even if the expectant parents don’t. I don’t mean they should be dismissive or even as careful as we were not to step out of bounds (resulting in our needing to be reminded that we needed to engage more with Pennie around our parenting hopes) — but I do think that ethical professionals should remind us that we are not the stars of this particular show.

I’m sure there ARE some hopeful adoptive parents who say “our baby” and mean “the expectant parents’ and our baby” but c’mon, this is not what we tend to see on blogs or in the forums. We all know that lots and lots and lots of agencies/lawyers will practically guarantee that the baby is going to be placed. They’ll say, “this is a good sign” or “this is a great match” and they don’t add, “But having a baby changes everything including adoption plans.”

You see, I don’t blame hopeful adoptive parents who don’t have the benefit of ethical adoption professionals to lead them to understand that an adoption plan is just a plan and not a mandate to place. When the social workers and lawyers don’t prepare us for every possibility they set expectant parents up with guilt/pressure above and beyond what they might already be feeling; they set hopeful adoptive parents up with misplaced entitlement that can make it difficult to handle matches that unmatch; and they continue the myth that adoption is about getting babies to wannabe parents and not creating options for women struggling with the challenge of a crisis pregnancy.

I know that there are a lot of big things we can and should change about the way domestic infant adoption works but I also think that small, incremental change can help dismantle some of the ethical issues. Reminding potential adoptive parents that a match is just a possibility is one of these small things we can do that can ultimately have a larger impact.

But that’s just my take on things.

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“Our baby will be born on…”

Dawn — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 14:55:10 +0000

No, not mine. This is most decidedly not any kind of announcement.

I’ve read a couple of hopeful adoptive parent blogs and the hopeful parents have each matched with an expectant mother and they type this, “Our baby will be born in September.” “Our son is due on October 13th.” (I’m deliberately choosing dates that have passed recently to disguise these waiting hopeful parents.)

It frustrates me. I think their agency/lawyers must be doing a poor job of counseling them (and then I can’t help but assume that they’re also doing a poor job of counseling the expectant parents).

Our fabulous social worker, Denise, never encouraged this kind of entitlement before the baby arrived; in fact she actively but kindly discouraged it. She was very matter of fact that an adoption plan is not worth a dime until the baby has arrived. When our first match unmatched, she was sympathetic but practical. She made it easy for us to follow her lead and understand that this wasn’t about us at all — it had to do with the woman who decided to parent.

“But it’s hard!” we’d whine. “It’s hard living in limbo!”

“Parenting’s hard,” she’d say. “Why should this be easy?”

(OK, I don’t know if she said that exact quote but she said something pretty much like it.)

I get itchy fingers, wanting to comment on these blogs but I don’t think some stranger on the internet lecturing them about how adoption ought to work is really all that helpful or kind. So instead I’m ranting here a little bit.

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Writers writers everywhere

Dawn — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 20:45:50 +0000

One writer friend of mine is inviting all the writers she knows for a happy hour at her house. So I grabbed a couple of my writer friends (one of whom already knows this writer) so we can all go together.

I don’t know how much writing we’ll talk but it’ll be good to hang with each other and start thinking about how I can smush my writing into in my messy, busy, ridiculous everyday life.

I looked over my chapter outline for my hasn’t-been-touched-for-days book proposal and just hated the hell out of it. I slapped my head and asked myself what in the HELL I was thinking so now I want to rethink it. But there’s a lot I want to do and I feel disconnected from it all.

But writers! Peer pressure can be a Very Good Thing so I’m especially looking forward to tonight even though it is COLD out there and staying home in my jammies sounds appealing too.

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p.s. Guess whose birthday is today?

Dawn — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 15:03:49 +0000

Not mine!

(...)
Read the rest of p.s. Guess whose birthday is today? (128 words)

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I want to win

Dawn — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 14:51:12 +0000

Because Noah needs more cocolate covered cranberries (just ask him!) but because I am kind, I’m telling you about this giveaway over at Kids Know Stuff. Goji cereal, which is raw and healthy and the kind of cereal you wish they sold at the grocery store instead of the perservative-laden, styrofoam stuff they do sell. I wouldn’t use it as cereal though — I’d take it along with me on playdates and homeschool dates for a snack! Packs easy, lots of high-energy ingredients and a total no brainer. What more could a busy parent want?

The Kids Know Stuff girls are giving tons of stuff away as they gear up for the holidays. Expect more contests and more ways to win so make them a daily stop on your rounds (the more traffic they get, the better giveaways they can do because they will be enticing bigger companies to share)! I’m going to be helping them out with some marketing plans soon, too.

(By the way, the girls really do write their own reviews with some minor spellchecking by mom! Pretty good, eh?)

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