Music meme to waste some time
Apr 30, 2009 Uncategorized
Name your top 10 most played bands on iTunes (Or Last.FM):
This was hard to do because iTunes doesn’t show you most played artists — just songs. So I chose the artists whose songs showed up most often in the top of the most-played list and they’re not necessarily in the right order here.
- Elbow
- De Phazz
- Nitin Sawhney
- Beastie Boys
- Sufjan Stevens
- The Decemberists
- Alison Krauss
- Everything but the Girl
- India.Arie
- Kylie Minogue
What was the first song you ever heard by 6 (The Decemberists)?
I had a bunch of songs from The Crane Wife on iTunes from the mp3 blogs but didn’t really hear any of them. I listen to iTunes on shuffle and I tune in and out as I’m working. Well, I noticed that there was a song I kept stopping to listen to whenever it came on and that was “The Island” (it’s a trilogy of songs) because at first it was bugging me but then I was stopping to listen because I loved it.
What is your favorite album of 2 (De Phazz)?
Death by Chocolate.
What is your favorite lyric that 5 (Sufjan Stevens) has sung?
I don’t know that I have a favorite but this song stops me cold in part because of the last lines:
And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floorboards
For the secrets I have hid
This song (and the video I linked to above) is so disturbing and disconcertingly lovely.
How many times have you seen 4 (Beastie Boys) live?
Never, alas.
What is your favorite song by 7 (Alison Krauss)?
Well, a few years ago I kept hitting repeat on “Baby, Now That I’ve Found You” over and over again .
What is a good memory you have involving the music of 10 (Kylie Minogue)?
I listen to her while I work out — it’s why she’s on my most-played list — and I like to work out so I guess that’s a good memory, right?
Is there a song of 3 (Nitin Sawhney) that makes you sad?
Yes. This one. Not for the lyrics so much
What is your favorite lyric that 2 (De Phazz) has sung?
They are not so much about the lyrics, De Phazz.
How did you get into 3 (Nitin Sawhney)?
I can’t remember how I found him but it was this song (linked many times) that really got me hooked. I love this whole album — Beyond Skin. I think he’s absolutely brilliant.
What was the first song you heard by 1 (Elbow)?
Not sure but the first one I really heard was Mirrorball, which is my ringtone.
What is your favorite song by 4 (Beastie Boys)?
Ch-Check it Out.
How many times have you seen 9 (India.Arie) live?
Never.
What is a good memory you have involving 2 (De Phazz)?
Again, they’re good work-out music but also, just fun music. I mean, really — how fun is this?
Is there a song of 8 (Everything but the Girl) that makes you sad?
“Ugly Little Dreams”
There’s some ugly little dreams
For pretty girls to buy
It’s enough to make you mad
But it’s safer just to break down and cry
What is your favorite album of 5 (Sufjan Stevens)?
I’m still getting to know him but right now Illinois is the one rotating most often.
What is your favorite lyric that 3 (Nitin Sawhney) has sung?
And I dream of places far from here
And I call your name to the wind
And I wish the night would take me to another world
Where no one knows a face or has a name
What is your favorite song of 1 (Elbow)?
Mirrorball (natch) and One Day Like This, which is on some movie soundtrack so is probably going to hit radios if it hasn’t already and really is a wonderful, uplifting song (listen to it next time you’re feeling gloomy)
What is your favorite song of 10 (Kylie Minogue)?
Oh gosh, see the thing is she’s a great work-out songstress but I don’t really listen to her. But I guess (thinking) I like working out to Slow best (I have a different mix though) and I’ll admit that I get a total kick out of In Denial
How many times have you seen 8 (Everything but the Girl) live?
Never, which is just so so wrong.
What is your favorite album of 1 (Elbow)?
The Seldom Scene
What is a great memory you have considering 9 (India.Arie)?
Leaving the Obama rally and hearing “There’s Hope” piped through the stadium speakers. (Great bass!)
What was the first song you heard by 8 (Everything but the Girl)?
“Shoot Me Down” and it was love at first listen
What is your favorite cover by 2 (De Phazz)?
I’m not sure that they’ve done any covers.
Tags: meme, mp3, Music, working out
Not so Good Friday around here
Apr 10, 2009 Feminism/Politics
My childcare has food poisoning so first I want to acknowledge that her Friday is even more suckier than mine before I whine that I’m scrambling to reschedule meetings. I’m just grouchy because I am discombobulated. I’ll recover. And Noah is being considerate and making everyone breakfast so I could get to my work inbox and stuff.
(sigh)
I just emailed Becca this (because she’s my editor/writer friend who talks to me about editor/writer stuff when I’m working on essays) but in my essay about calling myself fat it is only about ME. It’s about me not wanting to be called fat and the times I have been called fat and how I feel like I need to get over it for the sake of my daughter who — being female — will eventually be called fat and for my son who — having female friends and perhaps someday partners — will eventually be dealing with women who say, “Do I look fat in this?” So it’s a very small focus, the essay. It’s not about calling other people fat or about the media or manners or fat-phobia in general — it’s about ME and calling myself fat and obviously this is a good thing essay organization-wise since talking about the rest of that just gets off-track.
Becca asked if I felt defensive and I’ll tell you all, YES. ABSOLUTELY. And I suppose I feel defensive about this because it’s not easy at all to talk about, (which goes back to my need to pretend that we don’t all know that I am fat) and so discussion is just harder for me around it. Yet another reason to work on the essay.
Here is one piece I’m putting in the essay though. I was thinking about it while I was working out because I’ve never blogged it since it was and is very painful for me.
So — one of the hard things about my infertility struggles was that I now had proof that my body was a worthless piece of shit. If you read fat-positive stuff, sometimes it will focus on how fat women are so fruitful and lush and womanly and also — the adjectives imply — fertile. You know, they’ll go “womanly hips to cradle a new life” and “lush breasts to nurture another being.” But me — I was just fat and barren. I loathed my fat, barren body. My infertility was unexplained but I had myself convinced it had to do with my weight and I convinced myself of this because all the infertility books say if you are too fat or too skinny you can sometimes f*ck up your fertility. Plus there are always miracle conception stories from women who lose a bunch of weight and — boom! — get pregnant. My RE was neutral on it. Maybe losing weight would help, maybe not but he was pushing for Clomid.
I decided the whole infertility journey had to have some meaning and I decided I would get stronger and healthier and lose some weight and see if it helped me get my cycles in order. But I was really scared about it because I didn’t want to become diet obsessed (I had never dieted before although I have lost weight in the past by exercising more) and I didn’t want to sink deeper into self-loathing, which I knew would be easy to do since inevitably I would eat something “bad” or skip a work-out.
I took it all very slowly and deliberately. I made small, heatlhy changes. I started keeping track — not obsessively — with portion sizes. I asked Brett to quit buying ice cream. I also started running instead of just doing step aerobics. And slowly but surely, I started losing weight. I felt really good about it. I felt confident about my ability to keep the weight off because it was coming off slowly and I felt like I was making changes I’d be able to live with forever. After every run (and it took me a long time to get to where I could run for twenty minutes without stopping to walk) I would stop and breathe and stretch and pray.
I started to feel better and more forgiving about myself. And as it happens? My cycles shortened from 35 days to 29 days, which boded well and sure enough — after losing about 25 pounds — I got pregnant.
And then I miscarried.
I was at my brother-in-law’s wedding when I began to lose that pregnancy so I didn’t get back to the RE until I was well and truly bleeding. I was still holding out impossible hope though because you do that when you’re insane to be pregnant. And this is how my doctor greeted me (this part is in my archives): “Congratulations! You’re pregnant!” and then when I gasped at the miracle he smoothly added, “But it won’t last.”
This is the part that’s harder to write.
I was crying in his office, sobbing so hard I couldn’t see and he started pressuring me to consider the Clomid, which I really did NOT want to do. And I said (through tears), “I’ve been working really hard to lose weight and I’ve lost twenty-five pounds so far and isn’t it possible that if I keep on this course that it’ll help regulate my luteal phase defect?” And he said, “How much do you weigh now?” And I told him (although I don’t feel ready to tell you yet) and he said flipping to a BMI chart, “How tall are you? Well, then that’s obese! You’re obese!”
Then he harangued me about wasting time (I was 31) trying to lose weight when he could get me pregnant RIGHT NOW if I would only follow his directive. And I don’t really remember how I got out of there but all I could hear was “obese” and suddenly it didn’t seem like such an accomplishment that I’d gotten to a size 12 again.
I haven’t run since. Because the next time I tried to run I started crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe and I had to stop and I felt like a big, stupid worthless thing trying to stagger around a track. I felt so stupid. I felt so humiliated. I felt like he could see me in all my fat glory on the track and I sure couldn’t run past the playground full of skinny moms with their many children so I went home to hide my shameful self and the next month I started the Clomid.
Contrary to legend — I did not drown my sorrows in cheesecake or curl up with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a chick flick like a Cathy comic strip. I just stopped running and eventually the weight came back on.
(I have tried running since but can’t get past the shin splints.)
So when I allow my children to acknowledge my fatness and when I acknowledge my own fatness, I am doing this in part because I need to teach myself, too, what I want to teach my kids: That I can be fat and accomplishd and lovable and attractive and worthy. I don’t really believe it yet. I mean, I sorta do but in a very compartmentalized way. It is hard to own my good points when I am owning my less socially acceptable points. I can acknowledge that I’ve reached some of my writing goals but very often hot on the heels is, “Yes, but I’m fat.” As if it negates everything — anything – I’ve done.
I feel best about my body when I’ve got an exercise routine but only if I unhook said routine from the idea of weight loss and trust that I will be the weight I should be if I’m eating right and exercising and understanding that I will always be bigger than many people think I ought to be. (And many of these people are wearing white coats, which reminds me that I need to find a new doc now that my insurance has changed, which just makes me want to CRY because it’s hard to find a doctor who will not give me shit about my weight even though my blood pressure is low and my cholesterol is normal and I work out regularly. And I am prone to crying in doctor’s offices because I can bluff my way through my kids calling me squishy but not so much when it’s a person of some authority. I get kinda wimpy then and my high ideals end up puddling away into a stagnant pool of shame.)
I’m working to drown out voices like Grosskinsky’s and I’m working to head off the voices that will, without a doubt, be coming for my daughter.
So you know, when we get into semantics arguments or a totally civilized debate about manners, I am a little bit prone to feeling like people are deliberately not hearing me even though I know — and in every other blog type situation would accept — that it’s got to do with my writing and not with your reading. (In other words, that I’m writing it wrong. I know I’m writing it wrong but I feel more sensitive and defensive than I usually would.)
Anyway. I want to write this essay in part because writing things down helps me get rid of things and if I can write it all out loud then it won’t be so shitty. And at least dealing with the comments here will kind of ready me to deal with any comments I’ll get if it’s published. So I know that’s all good and everything but I’m still slightly miserable about it all. (Because i just wanted to write it and get it out and not have to debate it just yet — still fragile. Which how should you psychically know that? And honestly I’m not blaming any of y’all for saying anything that I got all hepped up about — just explaining my small insanity around this.)
(I’m not rereading this post because I’ll want to delete it so anything that doesn’t make sense will just have to not make sense and bad spelling and poorly placed punctuation will have to hang there, too. Also I am going to ask you to be kind, which is not something I usually ask from my commenters in regards to myself but honestly, this is one of the most difficult posts I’ve ever written and as I’ve said, I am particularly fragile around it. And now I’m not only frustrated with my work day but I am also marginally depressed.)
Tags: Becca, clomid, essay, Infertility, Noah, weight, working out
The obligatory new year meme
Dec 31, 2008 The Story of My Life
I like reading these in years to come so I’m going to go ahead and add it below the cut. Feel free to swipe if you want your own meme-age record!
Tags: boyfriend, Madison, meme, Music, Noah, Portland, working out
