Six Degrees in Columbus
Aug 9, 2008 Friends
Interracial Families in Friendship (IFIF) is a group of mostly white parents who have adopted kids of color, usually African American kids. It’s open to anyone who wants to come and we went before Madison showed up and found everyone lovely and welcoming and nice but somehow we never went back. Part of it was the way meetings would sneak up on me and part of it was that Saturdays are so often busy anyway so I lurked on the email list, commenting every now and then and promised myself that we’d get back eventually.
Well, today was that day and we had a grand time. My friend Terreece got me an assignment with Columbus Parent for their annual National Adoption Month issue and so I needed to try to interview folks. I decided to hit up the good folks at IFIF at their August meeting at the bunny park out near Dublin and then my editor asked if I could get pics so I got Kristen to go along with me and Abby came to keep an eye on Madison (Brett had stuff to do). I didn’t end up getting any interviews (I’m going to try email later) but I met some fun people.
But this is why I’m really writing this entry: I want to show you what a small town Columbus really is.
1. I met this one mom, Marie, and as we talked she realized she already knew Madison. We figured out that one of her kids was in the same lacrosse camp Noah was in and that her daughters played with Madison while they all waited for their big siblings to be done with camp. Brett was the one who took the kids so that’s why it took her a minute to figure it out.
2. Turns out she knows one of the other moms whose son was also in the camp and is a good friend of ours. Marie (or Ann, her parter, I can’t remember) said, “I volunteer at Girl Scout camp with her” and I said, “We watch her son for the week she volunteers.”
3. Then we figured out that Marie and Ann bought this house that Kristen tried to buy a few years ago. When Kristen and her husband went to put a bid on it, it was already in contract much to her sorrow (don’t worry — she got a very nice house, too). So the two of them chatted about the house and what Ann and Marie have done to it since and they invited Kristen over to see it.
4. We also talked about where their kids go to school and one of them was in the same class as one of Noah’s best friends. Noah’s best friend’s mother? She and good friend mentioned in #2 were college roommates. They lost touch but Columbus is a small town — mutual friends brought them back together again. (That’s confusing, right? I’ll explain it again. Mom that Marie volunteers with at Girl Scout Camp is G. Marie’s daughter is in a class with J’s son. J and G were college roommates.)
5. Wait. There’s more. So then Ann is talking about her oldest son and where he’s worked and where he works now. He works with Lisa the Waitress. Abby got her kitten from Lisa the Waitress. And the mom’s son goes to school with Pennie but we haven’t figured out if they know each other yet. (It’s a small program so they might.)
We found this many common friends/acquaintances without much effort. Imagine what we could do if we really tried!!
This happens with Pennie, too. Like Pennie’s Nate’s band used to play at Ruby Tuesdays. My good friend’s ex-husband does the sound there (or did — I don’t know if he does now). Before Pennie ever met my good friend, she knew her ex and used to hang out with him while she waited for Nate’s set to be over. When Pennie met my good friend, they talked about the ex.
I love this about Columbus. Sometimes it can be weird and sometimes it can be awkward but usually it’s fine and funny. Like the time I sat next to my friend Lis (the one with the ex-husband who does sound) at LLL and she said, “Hey, are you related to Justin Friedman?” and I said, “Yeah, he’s my brother.” Or how the little kid Justin used to run around with when HE was a little kid is now the homeschool gym instructor and lacrosse camp leader. The lacrosse camp that led to meeting this new family that I then met at IFIF.
And I think about this a lot in relation to our open adoption; Pennie and I would have brushed up against each other even if the adoption would have been closed. Would we have ever figured it out? (I sometimes think yes because Madison looks so much like Pennie and sometimes think no because we wouldn’t be looking. In any case, I’m glad it’s not something I really have to think about.)
Columbus isn’t so small (it’s the largest city in Ohio and two years ago was ranked the 16th largest city in the country although I have a hard time buying that) but if you’re of a certain age or have kids of a certain age and have lived here for more than five years, you can usually find some friendship in common. The more I get out, the more I’m reminded of this and it always makes me laugh.
Possibly related posts
Tags: abby, Columbus, friendship, homeschool, IFIF, Justin, kids, Kristen, LLL, Madison, Noah, Ohio, siblings, Terreece
What do you get…
Jun 21, 2008 Family
When you gather six siblings across three marriages who have never been in the same place at the same time into one room to surprise the father they share? Answer: It’s a trick questtion! Because at least one sibling won’t get there!!
So we were trying to have a family reunion for my dad and boy howdy, did it bring out the daddy issues! Tears! Rants! Cussing! (that would be me — all three) Frantic angry phone calls! Rabid emails! (Me and me again.)
And I was not the only one although I was the most, shall we say, vocal. But! I love my father although I grieve my father and like the other scurrying, worrying daughters (and one laid-back son) I had high hopes for the day.
Five kids made it although to be fair three of us live in Ohio and making it there wasn’t so hard. Two flew across country. And one didn’t make it onto her plane. We are sad about that. The one who didn’t make it is the one most lost to us. I haven’t seen her in twenty-five years and the youngest two kids didn’t even know she existed until they were in grammar school.
It may be that my dad will never get to see his kids together and that is heartbreaking but it’s also the truth of our family. Surely you can now see why I’ve been mulling over family-of-origin AND adoption issues this week while I worked my way through all of this.
Grieving — yet again — my dad even as I love my dad reminds me of how Madison is sure to grieve Pennie even as she loves Pennie and that sometimes that grief and that love will look like other things. Nobody could replace my daddy — the one I had or the one I missed. My oldest sister (the one who missed her plane) who had a step dad would surely say the same thing even though my dad released his parental rights because everyone said it would just be fine. And I sure can’t replace Pennie.
(What kind of ludicrous world is it that anyone assumes that anyone can replace your lost parents anyway???)
But I also realize I can never make this all better for her. I can’t protect her from it. I can’t shield her. I miss my daddy and she will miss her mommy. But I can love the hell out of her and I can love Pennie and I can get out of the way when I need to and I can listen with sympathy whenever they talk. That’s all I can do.
Life is so hard. We love each other so much and it’s still so damn hard.
The whole thing made me miss Pennie like crazy but she has plans tonight so tomorrow we will see her. Because that’s another thing. She has her own family of origin stuff (obviously I ain’t gonna spill her laundry here) and so she totally gets mine. I can say to her, “Wow, I am totally damaged in this way” and she can say, “Word. I am totally damaged in my own way.” We bond over this. And we bond over our worries and fears and ridiculously overflowing love for Madison. We used to think that we could make the right decisions and make it all ok and lately we’ve been talking — we can only make it a different kind of hard but we can love her any old way and love each other, too. And step out first with forgiveness knowing that all of us — my dad included — are just doing the goddamn best we can.
Possibly related posts
Tags: Adoption, Family, family of origin, forgiveness, grief, Madison, my dad, my sister, reunion, siblings
On my kids’ accidental spacing
Apr 16, 2008 Parenting
I took Madison to her gym class yesterday and was able to shuck her off my lap and onto the mat because Noah gamely agreed to sit with the 4-year olds and participate in the activities. I guess this is more than she did last week with Brett. (He has a tougher time figuring out the gentle manipulation it takes to get a small, nervous child to do stuff.) Anyway. This time she sat out there and fiddled with Noah’s collar the way she fiddles with us (”I like the lumps,” she explains, meaning the places where seams meet). But she tried all the games and perked up to talk to the teacher about her birthday and to tell everyone that Noah is her brother, just in case they were getting any big ideas about co-opting him. (She was very pointed with one little girl who kept sidling up to sit on the other side of him.)
So they somersaulted and rolled and marched around with instruments and walked on the balance beam with beanbags on their heads. Noah gamely went along with it all, shooting me the evil eye — but with a grin — every now and then. The teacher, who is a very gentle and patient woman, thanked him for coming along and encouraged him to hang in there with his sister if he could handle it. (There are two more classes and Noah has agreed to go to ‘em both. Between you and me? I think he’s liking all the applause he’s getting from the grown-ups.)
I love my own brother and sister now but back when I was a kid I just resented them for getting in the way of my true destiny as an only child. Noah and Madison fight, bicker and drive each other crazy but there’s a great deal of tenderness between them, too. The night before last, Madison came by to give everyone hugs and kisses before heading off to brush her teeth and Noah turned to me and said, “Madison is so pretty, isn’t she?” Now I don’t remember ever gazing admiringly at my little brother. At least not at eleven. When I was eleven he was nine and it seems to me that if I gazed at him at all, it was with smoldering resentment.
Noah goes out of his way to help Madison (most of the time) and is willing to slow down and pay attention to her (most of the time) and worries about her well-bring (pretty much all of the time). He shares with her way more than my sister ever shared with me (are you listening, Erica, you mean old big sister?) right down to buying her candy at gym class instead of eating it all himself.
For her part, Madison revels in having an older brother. As evidenced by the gym class, she leans on him a lot. She is very proud to claim him and brags on him often to grown-ups who haven’t had the good fortune to meet him. “I have a brother named Noah,” she says. “He has a paper route!”
I was so sad about not having kids as close together as I wanted because I was afraid they would NOT be close and I think they are closer than they would be if Madison had arrived when Noah was four going on five like I planned. I know you can’t predict these things and that Noah’s natural tendency to be nurturing helps things along a whole lot so I’m not quite ready to tell everyone that every 7-years apart sibling pair is going to be perfect. Plus Noah hasn’t actually entered the teen years yet and I’m sure that changes things but so far, so good.
Possibly related posts
Tags: child spacing, Erica, Madison, Noah, siblings
Noah is a great big brother
Apr 8, 2008 Parenting
They just got back from the mommy & me gym class and Madison felt too shy to play so Noah said he’d do it with her. (Apparently it’s NOT mommy & me — it’s mommy drink coffee from the sidelines while the preschoolers run and jump.) So there’s five little kids and Noah, gamely going along with it — marching in the “parade,” doing fingerplays, leading his sister on the balance beam.
At least in this family? This seven year age span has been a Very Good Thing. As big brothers go, Madison got a keeper!