this woman’s work

He died today yesterday.

This is why I read this blog — it’s our only way of keeping track of how they are.

Sad sad sad.

Although Kim and I grew further and further apart as her religious views became increasingly rigid, I was always happy to know she’d found a family who could be there in the way her by birth family could not. I know she’ll be needing them awfully in the upcoming months and am glad to know that she won’t need to go through this alone.

I’m fighting a low-grade depression with bouts of full-fledged anxiety and have been for the past few weeks. Some days are better than others and some evenings are downright swell. But this is an afternoon of mumbling melancholy. This makes it hard to write.

Of course I haven’t been writing much of anything lately unless you count blog posts and client communications (I don’t count them) and this has a lot to do with my bad mood. The new (to me) elliptical trainer helps. Thursday night potlucks help. Kids in general help (except when they’re hanging on me when I’m trying to read or pounding on the bathroom door while I’m trying to take a bath or fighting with each other when I’m on the elliptical trainer and I have to take my iPod earbuds out and scream back at them as best as I can considering I’m a little out of breath and all). But except for those times, the kids are a bright spot to the day. Same goes for their father — generally bright spot — although he also has his moments. (Don’t we all.)

I must be having my midlife crisis because I spend a lot of time thinking about the things I should have done and the things I wish I’d done and the things I better have left undone. This is coinciding with similar feelings from Brett so sometimes in the evening — now that we gave up cable — we play regret roulette; basically spinning our wheels and mourning our choices. 

It would be nice to get through this personal growth time, (which is how I tend to think of these downward spirals) and get onto the next phase of living my life. But I’m waiting for some things to resolve and a bunch of those things are out of my control. So I’m waiting. Fidgeting. Feeling sad and scuffling around the house.

Lemme tell you, the state of politics isn’t helping any. 

I’m feeling very woe is me.

A lot of my virtual friends are hurting. And an inordinate number of people have lost pets lately, too.

I just read (courtesy of the LittleBrown twitter PR person) An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination, which is a memoir about the author’s loss of her first son who was stillborn. It’s a beautiful book and I was happy to discover a new author (I’ve added her novels/short stories to my library reserve list) and it also gave me a lot to think about around grief and loss and when friends are grieving.

Elizabeth writes about something that Julia once told me, too — that it’s far, far, far better to say anything, even the wrong thing, than it is to say nothing. After she told me that I had to think long and hard about what gets in the way of me reaching out to friends who need support. It’s a character failing, I know, and I want to give myself a solid kick in the butt when I let down my friends.

Oh I’m just feeling helpless and sad for so many people today. Wishing I could take on some of their burdens.