Archive for tag: REGRET
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Friday list post
- My last post got stumbled, which means my traffic at 10am was what it usually is at the end of the day. But those people click through and they leave — most don’t stick around or check out other parts of the blog. Also I discovered too late to create a new message at the top inviting them to subscribe to my feed or introduce myself or anything. (The traffic is already dissipating.) But it was fun while it lasted.
- The tree roots that are the bane of many of my neighbors’ plumbing systems have become the bane of ours. Right in the middle of potluck. This is partly due to little girls who are learning to wipe their own hineys and feel it’s best to use a whole roll of toilet paper to do so. Brett’s coming home early to snake out the drain. Grossness. Let’s never speak of it again.
(And this is really what my life is like. The heady highs of public esteem. The lowering lows of plumbing disasters. I feel at odds with myself constantly. From doing a phone interview while I circle the backyard with a colic-y baby strapped to my chest so she won’t cry while I ask questions to crouching on the bathroom floor to get the right angle for my own publicity shot to be posted to the front of a national magazine, dressed nicely from the waist up and wearing pajama bottoms out of frame. So it goes.)
- I’m buying Noah his own domain name and wordpress set up (hosted on one of my sites) to bring him into the family business. The kid has to learn sometime. I’m going to teach him to edit his own cascading style sheets.
- Madison, apparently still thinking about the squashed squirrel Noah showed her a week or so ago, drew a morbid picture of dead Peanut. “See,” she said. “One of her eyes is all squashed out and bloody but the other is closed. It’s a sad picture. Don’t show it to Noah.” Then she posted it on the ‘fridge.
- I’m nearly done with holiday shopping for her. I have one soft package to get her (pajamas and underwear) and one regular present (a CD player so she and Noah quit fighting over the portable). I haven’t started on Noah yet — I need a better handle on the budget.
- Today is a day off from work (mostly). I turned a project in early so I could do laundry and clean. Of course I feel guilty that I’m not writing productively. Pretty much whatever I’m doing, I feel guilty that I’m not doing something else. I live in a constant state of nagging regret. I hear it’s like that when your kids are little so I don’t dwell on it too much but it’s always there niggling at the back of my brain.
Just a tad gloomy
I’m fighting a low-grade depression with bouts of full-fledged anxiety and have been for the past few weeks. Some days are better than others and some evenings are downright swell. But this is an afternoon of mumbling melancholy. This makes it hard to write.
Of course I haven’t been writing much of anything lately unless you count blog posts and client communications (I don’t count them) and this has a lot to do with my bad mood. The new (to me) elliptical trainer helps. Thursday night potlucks help. Kids in general help (except when they’re hanging on me when I’m trying to read or pounding on the bathroom door while I’m trying to take a bath or fighting with each other when I’m on the elliptical trainer and I have to take my iPod earbuds out and scream back at them as best as I can considering I’m a little out of breath and all). But except for those times, the kids are a bright spot to the day. Same goes for their father — generally bright spot — although he also has his moments. (Don’t we all.)
I must be having my midlife crisis because I spend a lot of time thinking about the things I should have done and the things I wish I’d done and the things I better have left undone. This is coinciding with similar feelings from Brett so sometimes in the evening — now that we gave up cable — we play regret roulette; basically spinning our wheels and mourning our choices.
It would be nice to get through this personal growth time, (which is how I tend to think of these downward spirals) and get onto the next phase of living my life. But I’m waiting for some things to resolve and a bunch of those things are out of my control. So I’m waiting. Fidgeting. Feeling sad and scuffling around the house.
Lemme tell you, the state of politics isn’t helping any.
I’m feeling very woe is me.