In the past two weeks I’ve heard three stories where adoptive parents did something to cut off contact between their children and their children’s first parents. In one of these cases, I know the first mom personally and I know with what careful respect she moved forward in the relationship after her child found her. Her behavior — putting her concerns about her child and her child’s family above her own — was exemplary. She is a loving, kind, safe person who is raising fabulous children that are a testament to her strength and responsibility. She is, in short, amazing but the adoptive parents chose not to learn this because they cut her off. And I am livid on her behalf (and on behalf of her child).
I’ve said it before a million times — I understand feeling however you need to feel. I understand how it might seem threatening and scary to have a new relative you weren’t expecting for awhile. I can doubly appreciate how this might feel if your child is at an age where they’re pulling away and your relationship already feels strained. (I have no idea if this is true in this case but I’m looking to understand why they might have made this decision.) Yes, go ahead and feel that way but the unequivocal slammed door? THAT I don’t get.
Want to lose your child’s trust and confidence? Make them choose. Want to set up an us vs. them mentality in their heads and hearts? Slam the doors.
Feel how you need to feel. It’s ok to be afraid. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to want to hang up the phone or burn the letter. But you can’t do it.
Here’s my unasked for advice. If you adopted a child in a closed adoption or semi-open adoption and your child finds or is found by his or her first parents, get thee to a reunion support group. Call up your agency, your lawyer or a local agency or lawyer and ask them — is there a reunion support group around here? Talk to first parents, adoptees and adoptive parents who have lived through reuninons. Read some books.
Better yet, do this BEFORE your child reunites. Be prepared. Understand the challenges and the rewards. Understand the developmentally appropriate expectations of all triad members. Understand the developmentally appropriate but unrealistic expectations of all triad members (not to discourage but to be prepared and lovingly respectful for any struggles).
Understand that you cannot be replaced — what we have to give our children is ours and first parents can’t take that anymore than we can take from them. Our children simply have bigger families than children who are born to us; that’s all. And like any family, the road isn’t always easy and sometimes relatives in one family get along better than relatives in another. But it’s our kids’ right to figure it out — the good, the bad, the terrible and the sublime.
I am hoping and praying that my friend’s child’s parents come around not just for my friend’s sake and not just for her child’s sake but because she is a gift. They would be lucky to know her and to have her be a part of their lives (not to mention the incredible children she’s raising).
