this woman’s work

Three new FAQs. I’m too tired (and too busy) to post more so head over there to check ‘em out!

In the past two weeks I’ve heard three stories where adoptive parents did something to cut off contact between their children and their children’s first parents. In one of these cases, I know the first mom personally and I know with what careful respect she moved forward in the relationship after her child found her. Her behavior — putting her concerns about her child and her child’s family above her own — was exemplary. She is a loving, kind, safe person who is raising fabulous children that are a testament to her strength and responsibility. She is, in short, amazing but the adoptive parents chose not to learn this because they cut her off. And I am livid on her behalf (and on behalf of her child).

I’ve said it before a million times — I understand feeling however you need to feel. I understand how it might seem threatening and scary to have a new relative you weren’t expecting for awhile. I can doubly appreciate how this might feel if your child is at an age where they’re pulling away and your relationship already feels strained. (I have no idea if this is true in this case but I’m looking to understand why they might have made this decision.) Yes, go ahead and feel that way but the unequivocal slammed door? THAT I don’t get.

Want to lose your child’s trust and confidence? Make them choose. Want to set up an us vs. them mentality in their heads and hearts? Slam the doors.

Feel how you need to feel. It’s ok to be afraid. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to want to hang up the phone or burn the letter. But you can’t do it.

Here’s my unasked for advice. If you adopted a child in a closed adoption or semi-open adoption and your child finds or is found by his or her first parents, get thee to a reunion support group. Call up your agency, your lawyer or a local agency or lawyer and ask them — is there a reunion support group around here? Talk to first parents, adoptees and adoptive parents who have lived through reuninons. Read some books.

Better yet, do this BEFORE your child reunites. Be prepared. Understand the challenges and the rewards. Understand the developmentally appropriate expectations of all triad members. Understand the developmentally appropriate but unrealistic expectations of all triad members (not to discourage but to be prepared and lovingly respectful for any struggles).

Understand that you cannot be replaced — what we have to give our children is ours and first parents can’t take that anymore than we can take from them. Our children simply have bigger families than children who are born to us; that’s all. And like any family, the road isn’t always easy and sometimes relatives in one family get along better than relatives in another. But it’s our kids’ right to figure it out — the good, the bad, the terrible and the sublime.

I am hoping and praying that my friend’s child’s parents come around not just for my friend’s sake and not just for her child’s sake but because she is a gift. They would be lucky to know her and to have her be a part of their lives (not to mention the incredible children she’s raising).

Three new questions up over at Open Adoption Support!!! Questions include: advice for an expectant mom thinking about placement, how to manage holidays and adopting older kids from foster care.

Also, got word that my panel proposal for the American Adoption Congress conference in Cleveland next spring is a go!

Open Adoption: Promises and Truth

Sunday, April 26th 2009

8:45am to 10am

I’m working to line up some fab women (who perhaps you might know! I’m just sayin’!) to share their stories of living open adoption as first and adoptive parents, talking about their expectations before the adoption and the real life challenges and of course the need for more open adoption support.

Once I know for sure who will be there (I have fairly firm yeses from two) I’ll let y’all know.

My husband and I adopted our daughter Madison through Adoption by Gentle Care here in Columbus OH. While we haven’t been to any of the family picnics, we have stayed in touch with our social worker (she also regularly reads my blog and I love her).

Recently our social worker and one of the other adoptive family social workers contacted me for help. Gentle Care has been around since 1985, which means that children adopted through their agency are now adults and they’re starting to call and ask how to find their first families.

Ohio law hinders the agency’s ability to share information but they still want to help families reunite. They came to me to ask if Open Adoption Support could help. Of course I said I’d love to.

I’ve created a private group for families who sought services through Gentle Care and are now seeking their children/parents. Gentle Care will refer folks who contact them to the group and they will be able to post on a private forum to find each other.

I am happy to create similar groups for other agencies. How it works is that when people join, they can contact me if they wanted added to a specific reunion group. They can then share specific contact info in that private forum. I am happy to work with agencies/lawyers who are willing to facilitate reunions but are hindered by state laws and are looking for a legal workaround that will allow them to keep their license while offering reunion services to their former clients.

The software that runs this site is sometimes buggy (as members know!) so if there are any problems making these reunion groups work, please let me know! I’ll do my best to fix things up!!! Meanwhile, please let your agencies/attorneys know that Open Adoption Support is happy to host reunion groups! The more families who find each other, the better!!

[cross-posted at OAS]

Someone who worked for This American Life came by Open Adoption Support looking to hook up with someone for a story. This was our exchange (somewhat edited for length):

(more…)

Please go check ‘em out and share your wisdom!

It’s one of those not open/open adoptions where the families are seeing each other but the child has no idea who the other family is. In other words, everyone knows that the visitors are the child’s first parents except for the child.

You can weigh in with advice over there.

I am always surprised by the way people say, “My child is fine” and the proof is that the child either had no more questions or didn’t bring the subject up again. Silence isn’t always golden. I really do think it’s our job to bring stuff up in a “Hey, do you ever think about…?” kind of way. I’m not talking about hounding the poor dears but if we don’t bring it up how will they know we’re willing to talk about it? We can’t put all the risk on our kids. We have to assume some (lots) of the uncomfortable discussion burden ourselves.

(Listen, the way that Noah is, if we didn’t periodically bring up adolesence and s-e-x talk the kid would think the storks found babies under cabbage leaves. It’s our job to make sure he isn’t forced to live in ignorance just because he’s too shy to ask.)

I’m hoping that those of you with foster-to-adopt experience can weigh in. Of course the situation is different than for a child placed at birth and this mom is trying very, very hard to do the right thing long-term for her son with very little support.

My son calls us both mommy. Am I doing right by him?

I found my child’s first mom online; should I contact her?

If you’ve got a yen to answer it, please do!

Please note! I’m continuing to share survey information over at Open Adoption Support. I’ve added a link so that you can go straight to those entries (newest post at the top). Please check it out and share with all interested parties!