this woman’s work

I’m back on-site today. Usually I don’t go in this much but there’s a serious push to finish the project and I am nothing if not a pleasure to work with — flexible, reasonable and cheerful about putting on work clothes to come in and do another bang-up job for my clients. (Note to possible future employers.)

Last night was our regular Thursday get-together only it was at my house and I was severely lacking forks. This woke me in the middle of the night when I went, “Oh god, why did I not find a way to get more forks?” But these people — they have all of these kids and I forget that kids need forks, too.

Turns out we women-folk all have the same mothers so we discussed that and traded mom stories. Abby has the best perspective and I’ve decided to defer to her in all things boundary related. She says she’s just had the most therapy but I don’t know; I’ve had a lot of therapy, too, and I’m not as smart as she is. And I have some years on her so you’d think I’d be more together by now.

There’s something else I’m trying to work on now, which is divorcing my actions from the hoped-for results. In other words, I’m trying to do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do instead of because I’m hoping it will make this other thing happen. It sounds so simple but I catch myself always thinking, “How can I put this in a way that will make them want to help? If I share it now instead of later, will it make them do it the way I want them to?”

Next up: Ceasing to hold people responsible for not being psychic and not acting the way I expected/hoped for/wanted. I feel like it’s awfully easy for me to store up a lot of little hurts over unintentional lapses. (And I sure hope that the forkless few at the gathering last night will be able to extend the same courtesy to me. Sorry, Joe, with the wee crab fork that I didn’t even know was a crab fork but thought it was just a fork that Madison decided would be hers because it’s baby-sized!)

I was avoiding a situation for a long time because I wanted a good outcome but avoiding was making things worse. Turns out that even when I made myself take action that the outcome wasn’t so good but at least it was — I think — what it had to be. I don’t know. But I’m trying to let go of any residual hurt and see the situation for what it is instead of what I wanted it to be.

Ahh well.

I leave for work in about thirty-ish minutes and I’m trying to get a caffeine buzz going on. No luck yet halfway into my coffee. The project I was working on yesterday is still looming — it’s a lot of research and I think I have most of it done. Now I need to figure out a structure. I’ll be working on it tonight along with a couple of regular little jobs. Basically for the weeks I go on-site, I’ll need to work two jobs and just suck it up. It’s a good thing the on-site job is fun (it’s more or less catalog copy so I get to play with stuff all day, which is why it’s an on-site job — I have to see the products in person).

Madison is too cute this morning. It’s always harder to leave an adorable child. She played in the mud a whole bunch yesterday, which is something that just warms my heart. I was a mud-playing child and sadly Noah — with mild sensory issues — was never one for getting messy. I’ve always felt like he missed out. So coming up from my office and looking out the kitchen window to see Madison right filthy and “cooking” with a big pile of dirt makes me awfully happy.

This weekend a little kid was mean to Madison and said, “No one loves you!” She got hysterical and Noah came to her rescue while I was still trying to get to her. When I picked her up I said, “Madison, lots and lots of people love you. Who are some of the people who love you?” And she sniffed and said, “Pennie!” Remind me to tell Pennie that right after I send out a hit on the mean kid.