this woman’s work

The distractions are all the size of a 4-year old. Oh, why try to dissemble! They ARE a 4-year old! A dancing, laughing, clapping, messing-with-stuff-on-my-desk, asking-for-snacks, curly-haired 4-year old named Madison.

Well, that’s just how it is, eh? Working and mothering — something’s got to give and usually it’s my sanity.

Tonight I’m dragging taking Abby with me to the HighBall Halloween launch. Kristen is in Maine. Amy is very busy with Little Alouette. My sister is a flake (not really — she’s just busy). So Abby it is! She wins! When we give out candy? I’m going to give her an extra handful! Leslie is coming, too, god love her. Candy for Leslie, too! And my friend Lis who doesn’t have a web presence because she’s stuck in the dark ages. It’s sad for her there.

Ok! Now I have to go put on clothes that can be seen outside my home as opposed to the ratty t-shirt I’m wearing. The one that Madison accidentally wiped half of her lunch on when she was spinning around and spun into me. Did I mention that she distracts me? Because she does.

The Franklin County Fair, to be exact. It’s going to be killer hot out there but that’s our tradition — my mom takes my family and my sister’s family out and spoils the kids rotten with elephant ears and lemon shake-ups and deepfried pickles on a stick! (Ok that last part is theoretical — none of us have actually BOUGHT the deepfried pickles on a stick but they’re available!)

It’s a pretty small fair although I remember it being HUGE back in my teens. Or at least not quite so dinky. We used to walk up and down the tiny fairway hoping to catch the eyes of the boys wandering by in their black rock-and-roll tshirts. It’s Hilliard and that was the 80s so I’m sure there were lots of mullets but we try not to remember the bad times — only the good!

Brett and I always skip the state fair — too hot! too crowded! too headache-inducing! — but one or the other grandparent takes Noah and eventually they’ll add Madison to the mix, I’m sure. This year we may HAVE to go because Kristen has a picture of Madison’s feet (and her daughter Ginger’s feet) in the art show. Then again, I saw the photo in her living room so perhaps I don’t need to brave the crowds to see it again, right? I’ll just make sure the grandparents know to look!

1. I opened the refrigerator, reached for the milk and did something to my back or my shoulders or my neck or something. This is what comes of being on the computer all of the time. I worked really really late on Monday and I haven’t taken the time to stop and stretch since then. Plus I’m still not sleeping well so I’m not really relaxing at night. Result: Sore, aching shoulders/neck and wrenching something merely by reaching for milk. I feel like I’m 80-thousand years old. Argh.
2. We can’t get any channels on our television. Well, we can get very fuzzy channels but not ones you can, you know, watch. And Tivo doesn’t recognize them so we can’t use Tivo. I’m sure we’ll figure out a fix but we’re grouchy about it. Apparently we were worse cable addicts than we knew.
3. I’m really busy and it’s not all happy-busy. A lot of it is just busy. I’m tired. My neck hurts. Too much busyness and not enough happy-busy!
4. What is with gorgeous, smart, funny women who are living with/dating/married to rotten men? What is up with that? How can we put a stop to low self-esteem and low standards? People! How can we save our sisters??? <— said like Cree Summer playing Freddy on A Different World (I miss cable)
5. I have another complaint that I’m not blogging (yet) but we could use a medium-sized miracle in the next few weeks and I’m tired of looking for one. Reality bites. I’m worn out from spinning my wheels and forcing myself to be cheerful about it.
6. You people with your adorable free kittens! Stop flaunting the cuteness! We officially have decided NO KITTENS. Sad but true. Reasons are as follows: My sister and nephew are very allergic and having a kitten here will be a hardship to family visits; Peanut may not like kittens; kitten vet visits aren’t in our budget at the moment; litterboxes; kitty footprints on our kitchen counter skeeve me out. I like kittens so even though I believe this is a smart decision, I’m bummed out about it. Particularly the not-in-the-budget thing. I want to have enough money to be mildly irresponsible without feeling so dang guilty about it. Like, “Pizza tonight? Sure! Order two — they’re small!”
7. It’s hot. And humid. Dang Ohio. Why’d we ever leave the Pacific Northwest? (grumble)

That’s enough. Whining didn’t seem to make me feel better so I’m going to try OD’ing on caffeine next. A temporary fix is better than no fix at all, right? Grouch.

When you gather six siblings across three marriages who have never been in the same place at the same time into one room to surprise the father they share? Answer: It’s a trick questtion! Because at least one sibling won’t get there!!

So we were trying to have a family reunion for my dad and boy howdy, did it bring out the daddy issues! Tears! Rants! Cussing! (that would be me — all three) Frantic angry phone calls! Rabid emails! (Me and me again.)

And I was not the only one although I was the most, shall we say, vocal. But! I love my father although I grieve my father and like the other scurrying, worrying daughters (and one laid-back son) I had high hopes for the day.

Five kids made it although to be fair three of us live in Ohio and making it there wasn’t so hard. Two flew across country. And one didn’t make it onto her plane. We are sad about that. The one who didn’t make it is the one most lost to us. I haven’t seen her in twenty-five years and the youngest two kids didn’t even know she existed until they were in grammar school.

It may be that my dad will never get to see his kids together and that is heartbreaking but it’s also the truth of our family. Surely you can now see why I’ve been mulling over family-of-origin AND adoption issues this week while I worked my way through all of this.

Grieving — yet again — my dad even as I love my dad reminds me of how Madison is sure to grieve Pennie even as she loves Pennie and that sometimes that grief and that love will look like other things. Nobody could replace my daddy — the one I had or the one I missed. My oldest sister (the one who missed her plane) who had a step dad would surely say the same thing even though my dad released his parental rights because everyone said it would just be fine. And I sure can’t replace Pennie.

(What kind of ludicrous world is it that anyone assumes that anyone can replace your lost parents anyway???)

But I also realize I can never make this all better for her. I can’t protect her from it. I can’t shield her. I miss my daddy and she will miss her mommy. But I can love the hell out of her and I can love Pennie and I can get out of the way when I need to and I can listen with sympathy whenever they talk. That’s all I can do.

Life is so hard. We love each other so much and it’s still so damn hard.

The whole thing made me miss Pennie like crazy but she has plans tonight so tomorrow we will see her. Because that’s another thing. She has her own family of origin stuff (obviously I ain’t gonna spill her laundry here) and so she totally gets mine. I can say to her, “Wow, I am totally damaged in this way” and she can say, “Word. I am totally damaged in my own way.” We bond over this. And we bond over our worries and fears and ridiculously overflowing love for Madison. We used to think that we could make the right decisions and make it all ok and lately we’ve been talking — we can only make it a different kind of hard but we can love her any old way and love each other, too. And step out first with forgiveness knowing that all of us — my dad included — are just doing the goddamn best we can.