So yeah. I wanted to write more about Pennie’s upcoming addition (a little visitor, they used to call it! and that’s how Brett and I were talking about it when the little one was possibly in hearing) and Madison’s reaction to it. This is a baby book entry!

It was just a month ago that Madison said, “I would be pretty down about it,” when she was talking about Pennie having another baby so I knew this wouldn’t be easy. Pennie was worried, too, but she was worried that Madison would be mad that the baby wouldn’t be coming to live with us. I told her that in Madison’s brain? That would be a plus. It’s bad enough to hear a baby is coming but if she had to share her toys? She would NOT LIKE IT. What Madison is sad about is the thought of sharing PENNIE, of course, and it makes me sad that Pennie didn’t jump right to the conclusion that she’s the prize here and she’s what Madison is afraid of losing. (I think after last night she is assured of how exactly how important she is to Madison and how much she really and truly matters.)

Pennie and I talked first about Madison’s reaction and what language we would be using when we talked about why this baby would be staying with Pennie while Madison-baby did not. I’ve dumbed it down a lot, obviously, but even so I don’t feel so awesome about sharing it here. Let me just say that Pennie’s age at placement (19) is a big part of the age-appropriate story because Madison understands “teenager” and even though 19 is not 15 or even 16, it has that “teen” on the end that helps the situation make sense to her.

Anyway. Last night Pennie asked me if she should tell Madison now (before dinner) or later (after) and I said now so they would have more time together after the announcement so she did and when Madison heard it, she stopped and looked … she made this fake exasperated look she makes when she’s embarrassed like, “Oh my god, are you really bringing this up now???” all exaggerated like it’s a joke she’s tolerating and then she stalked stiffly over to me, climbed into my lap and burst into tears. It was awful — not for me but for Pennie and Madison.

I mean, even aside from any adoption stuff there’s just the kind of jealousy that’s totally typical of a 4-year old disinterested in having another sibling. She doesn’t want to share Pennie. Who would want to share Pennie? Pennie is awesome! And Madison has been around enough babies to know that they’re a great big timesuck, rotten lapstealers and that they drool on your toys and make them sticky. She likes baby dolls but not babies.

So then we got out the It’s Not the Stork book because September is a long, long way off and it just so happened that Noah had come out of his room with jelly beans and sure enough, we could see the baby is only jelly bean sized, which Madison found (kind of) reassuring. But then she cried some more and I asked her what part was making her feel sad and she only said, “Pennie, Pennie, Pennie!” (And again, if you can spare a loving thought and prayer for Pennie whose heart was wrung out for the evening, that would be swell.) So that’s when I said, “It’s normal to feel jealous when a new baby comes,” which is where she got the language to share with Noah. And clearly that hit it because she answered, “I don’t WANT Pennie to have a baby!”

Speaking of Noah, I also told her that Noah’s reaction upon hearing that she was arriving was similar dismay because it is normal to feel jealous and worried but that Noah was now very happy she was here and chances are she would be happy, too. I told her that of course she feels worried about it — she’s never been a big sister before — and that she will have to take our word for it that it will be ok but that she can let us know when she’s sad and we will reassure her and hug on her.

(Madison also expressed worry that for goodness sakes, she doesn’t even know HOW to be a big sister so she couldn’t possibly take that on right now because she really only knows how to be a little sister and this takes up all of her time already. Like there’s a book somewhere that she hasn’t had time to study.)

For the rest of the evening she played with Pennie and crawled all over her and chewed on her shirt (she fiddles with the seams of our clothes and sometimes mouths them — she’s always been really fiddly and oral even as a baby). Then when I tucked her in she cried a little more.

This morning she was fragile and snappish and was frankly driving me nuts until it occurred to me that she was probably still upset. Since I wasn’t sure and didn’t want to start something that wasn’t there I just kept an eye on it but then Noah came in the kitchen and said, “Oh Pennie forgot that CD” and then she started wailing again. We cuddled in the chair a bit and Madison said, “But I don’t want the baby to look like ME!” and I told her there is only one Madison Michael in the whole wide world and that she will always be Pennie’s first baby and that this is a very special thing. And I told her that she will also always be our last baby and that this is special, too.

Periodically all day she’ll comment about it. She called a friend and told her and then she left a message on her cousin Lucia’s answering machine. I don’t quite remember what it said but it was something like, “And I have big news. My birth mama is having a baby.” I don’t know if she offered any color commentary about it (maybe Erica can fill me in if she catches this) but from what I heard it was pretty matter of fact.

It’s going to be hard for her and it’s going to be hard for Pennie. In some ways I feel kind of torn because I feel so much for both of them and wish I could fix it and somehow make it easier for them. I remember finding Paragraphein a zillion years ago and for the first time really thinking about what the next baby (the second first baby) would mean for Pennie and realizing yet again just how big adoption really is (and just how far reaching our responsibility is when there is openness).

I’ve been thinking about trauma lately since having a long talk with Julia about Gage’s trauma and how it works and how it changes our brains. I know that the second first baby can resurrect old trauma but I am hoping that it means Pennie will grow stronger and more forgiving of herself even as I’m worrying. I asked Jenna to text her (and Jenna kindly did) and hope they can meet in person before the conference in April. I will be there for her as much as I can but I know that there are places I simply can’t go and Pennie, she deserves all the encouragement and love that she can get especially since more than one person greeted the news with a bland, “Are you going to give this one away, too?” (She called me this weekend and said, “Put this on your blog: I AM NOT A BREEDER FOR OTHER PEOPLE!” So I am. And you can see why rallying support is even more important right now. I hate that this pregnancy is something people only see in the context of Madison’s adoption. I hate it.) At the same time, I know Maddie will really need me and I worry about my ability to do right by both of them. So one day at a time. That’s what I’m doing. One loving day at a time.

So now you know, too, why I didn’t keep up with the enormous comments on the heavy adoption posts — I was too far away from meta to even think about theory and was really all about the adoption story front and center in my own life. I’ve been dreaming about it, too. I love these people. Suddenly a lot of other stuff ceased to really matter. I had an appointment with a potential client and I started telling the client about it — and I’m usually really careful not to talk personal in meetings. But you know, it’s just such a huge deal for my family.

My first reaction to the news was muddled like that. I could just see the hard parts and being me, got into crisis mode even though there really is no crisis in sight. Then I realized that this is enormously good news! A new baby! Madison’s little brother or sister! Yes, it’ll be hard but it’ll be good, too. Madison and Pennie are so much closer than they were even a year ago. I know that on the one hand it looks like more to lose but I choose to see it as a stronger foundation. I’d say 5 1/2 years is a pretty nice age span — Madison will be old enough to really feel like a help and she has lots happening in her own life, too. Pennie will certainly be busier but she’ll also be more likely to welcome kid-friendly events and so we might not get that much less time. (I was looking at the apple picking pictures and thinking that in a couple of years, maybe we’ll all go! And next Christmas! A new baby for Christmas!!)

And even though Madison is hoping the baby looks nothing like her, I have to say that another squishy little round-headed baby would be awfully nice. And seeing Pennie slinging that baby around will be even nicer. I am looking forward to being a quasi-aunt!!!