this woman’s work

1. Brett is working today. In honor of his new job, he bought jeans. The last time I saw Brett in jeans I was pregnant with Noah. I don’t recognize him. He’s more of a khakis guy.
2. Madison is digging in an enamel pan full of stale grains from the back of my cupboard. Bulgar, stoneground oats, something else I don’t recognize and some left-over alphabet noodles. I keep a pack of cheap plastic animals for these kinds of activities. Plastic dinosaurs and their ilk go well with dried beans, playdough or water play. This pack has been around since Noah was digging in stale grains.
3. I got a weird phone call last night at 9pm from someone who wanted to talk to me about my Salon essay only she referred to it by the name Adoptive Families gave it when they reprinted it. I don’t know how she got my home number (my work number is on my web sites) and she didn’t exactly explain why she wanted to talk to me either. I’ll call her back because I’m curious but I feel a little odd about it.
4. I got a very new-to-me assignment last week — something I’d never done before — and it was a total kick. The client seems happy so I hope I get some more like that. Did I mention it was a kick? Said client says that they can keep me busy and busy I like. Also got contacted by two other possible clients. Am feeling potentially wealthy.
5. Brett got a new-to-us BBQ yesterday courtesy of this family. (Their neighbors had it out on the curb.) Between you and me it’s pretty beat down but what do we care as long as it works?
6. We can’t decide on a new color for our living room. I’m tired of the red wall and want to paint a stronger color on the rest of the room because our couch is just about the same color as what’s currently up there. I enjoy taping paint chips to the wall and wandering around trying to figure out which one works. Seriously.
7. I’m missing some Memorial Day Weekend events because of our gas hog of a van. Such is life in 2008 (and beyond).
8. My mom came and got Noah yesterday to try out her Wii Fit. Then he’s off to a sleepover tonight with friends. Tomorrow we’re hitting the Clippers game to see fireworks.
9. We’re thinking of giving up cable because we’re watching too much television. We’ll keep Tivo because we already paid for it (and because it allows us to watch Lost after the children go to bed). When we bring this up the kids weep — especially the big one. We’ll see.
10. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and just know it’s going to be a great day. Today was one of those mornings. Now I’m off to go play in it!

It really helps to hear that other adopted kids are having/have had the same struggles that Madison has had. It’s especially important to hear it from people who hold the same values around adoption that I hold. Thank you for that. Sometimes I’m hesitant to post stuff because I know it provides ammunition for the anti-openness camp but I also think it’s important to talk about it so that we all can get support from each other and keep working to do right by our kids.

Yesterday I met an adoption mother who is not only on another page, she’s on another planet. It was like walking into an alternate universe, truly.

After a ten minute conversation with her I knew the circumstances of her children’s placement (including way sensitive information); I knew how much her adoptions cost; and I knew details of her children’s first moms’ circumstances. I was very uncomfortable and felt bad for her kids.

She asked me if we were going to adopt again and instead of just saying, “Two kids is plenty for us” when she asked why, I said, “We have concerns about the ethics of the industry.” (Why did I say this? I think partly because I wanted to let her know that we were not on the same planet and partly because I wanted to yank her chain a little. I’m not proud of it but I can be petty like that.) She said, “Thank you! Yes, thank you for saying that!” Which led into a little diatribe on her part about how adoptions cost too much and that sure wasn’t ethical for the poor put-upon adoptive parents out to save the world one child at a time.

Argh.

I said I was more concerned with the the presence of coercion and she rushed to assure me that her children’s parents really didn’t deserve to have their kids anyway. That made me feel so much better. (Not.)

I could tell she was casing Madison before she said anything to me. I’ve seen her around before so I knew she was the white adoptive mom of at least one African American child and I figured our paths would cross sooner or later. Yesterday I saw her standing eyeing Madison and I knew she was going to come and try to find out how Madison came to be my child. She opened by complaining about her own 2-year old daughter’s hair and telling me that they were going to straighten it soon so pretty much from the start I knew we weren’t going to be hanging with each other.

Ahh well.

What disturbs me about people like this woman (beyond their having adopted kids who then have to grow up in families like this) is that they help shape our public view of adoption. Like Madonna who can’t understand why people are so angry with her for “saving a child”, they make adoption an altruistic good deed that’s all about the adoptive parent and totally dismiss the needs of their children.

(Honest to god, this woman introduced herself to Abby with, “Hi, I’m [name] and I have [number of kids].” Bully for you, you sainted bastion of motherhood. Bully for you.)

Why am I ranting about this? So I can say again how grateful I am to the people I know who share my values — both the in real life people and the in my computer people. Why thank you, kind friends. Madison has a better mother for your presence in my life!

…to my last post and add “and the three things I do wrong” but I’m resisting the urge. I do lots wrong — oh so many things! And the road always leads back to my inconsistency. Pretty much everything I do wrong I do wrong because I either forget why I was doing it or forget I meant to.

That’s all I’m going to say for now because I’m going to the park to play with other fabulous moms who do some stuff wrong, too.

(Other parents are the most important thing to my entire parenting career not to mention my sanity. If you don’t have your people in your life yet, gift yourself some. A like-minded peer group is a wonderful, wonderful thing.)

1. I’ve been downloading old videos with dancing in ‘em to show Noah on our Tivo and one that I grabbed was “We’ll Be Together Tonight,” which has Sting and his doppelganger. There’s a scene where Trudy smacks Sting across the face and Madison said, “Why did she hit him? What would you do, Mommy? You know what I would do? I would KISS him!” Then she hid her face in the couch pillow.

2. I haven’t even looked at my chapter outline again since the agent took a pass and really need to get on it. But I also have a ton of regular work to do and I’m trying to get myself all set up to be out of my office for the next two weeks. I fully expect to come home from writing all day to write some more. I’m ok with that.

3. Someone asked me to speak at a gathering that may be contentious. It’s not even on anything actually controversial (like, say, adoption ethics). That’s all I can say about it. It’s one of three upcoming speaking engagements I have (two fairly soon and one in the fall). I should really join Toastmasters so that I can actually get good at this but then again I have no time for Toastmasters.

4. Did I mention that my cousin’s band is going to be on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson? Well, they are. On April 30th. Thank god for TIVO because I haven’t stayed up that late since Hector was a pup. (Who is Hector anyway? Oh, here he is.)

5. I’m sad that I can’t get to the last hearing for HB 7. If you are in Columbus and you feel strongly (as you should) that EVERY Ohio adoptee has the right to his or her birth certificate please please please go and show your support!!! Contact Marley to learn more. You don’t have to be connected to adoption to help!!!

6. I’m also not going to get to go to this:

Just a reminder about tomorrow’s press conference at Capital Law School, where we’ll launch the improved adoption and child-welfare law Web site. The site contains plain English summaries of case law, statutes, and regulations from all 50 states, as well as answers to frequently asked questions, giving people who are interested in adoption, as well as child welfare professionals, free access to the most up-to-date and comprehensive adoption and child welfare law and policy in the country.

The National Center for Adoption Law & Policy at Capital University Law School (NCALP) will unveil its new Adoption and Child Welfare LawSite (www.adoptionchildwelfarelaw.org) at 10 a.m. on Tuesday, April 29, 2008.

Life takes up so much of my attention!!! There are so many things that I miss!!!

7. I wrote to my old social worker about the hearing and they are getting in touch with women who placed through their agency and have since contacted them about reunion to ask them to testify. My feelings about our adoption may have changed and my feelings about certain details of our agency experience may have changed but I still adore our social worker who is one nifty woman.

8. Speaking of adoption (and aren’t I always? more or less?) I was remembering last night that one of the nurses cut a lock of Madison’s hair for Pennie to take home the day before she signed the papers. I used to look at the place in Madison’s hair where they cut it (right in the back where babies sometimes develop little mullets) and think about Pennie. It took a long time to grow back. I’d say almost through her second year I could still see where her hair was a little shorter.

9. There were other little reminders that would sometimes shake me up those first days. I’ve tried to write an essay about this one and can’t but Madison didn’t lose her umbilical cord for a long long long time. I’d have to look it up to see when but it was far longer than Noah did. Read into that what you will (I sure did. I still do.)

10. Someone who is blogging but not really publicly (so I will not link) asked, “How did you make the decision to blog so publicly?” And the short answer is, “By accident.” That’s not totally true because I knew I wanted to blog openly to see what came of it. The journals I first read and that inspired me to try it were all very confessional and bold. What I didn’t realize is that blogging would catch on the way it has. I didn’t realize that there’d be so many of us blogging and reading each other’s blogs. I used to blog into a faceless void but then so many of you moved into focus and some of you became in real life friends and other real life friends found my blog, etc. I try never to write about something that I’d be unhappy being confronted about. What I tell my blogging clients is this: Don’t write about anything that you’d rather not have someone bring up in the grocery store check-out. Because they will. The thing about blogging is that a lot of strangers end up knowing you rather well even if you don’t know them at all. If that idea makes you uncomfortable, blog anonymously.

Cynthia tagged me!

1. I just got a gig I was wanting! I don’t know what the job is or what the hours are or how much of it is on-site because I haven’t found that part out yet. I interviewed three times and am still not sure. But I know it pays on time and I know it’s not full-time (although it may be 40 hours some weeks) and that’s good enough for me. Whew! This is going to take some of the pressure off, lemme tell you! (And I think the job will be fun.)
2. I am five foot four but people usually think I’m taller. At least they seem to remember me as taller. My mom is five foot eight and she always thinks I’m taller.
3. My eyes are getting lighter as I get older. Bummer. They used to be as blue as Noah’s but not so much anymore. Anyone else experiencing this?
4. I have a weird memory. I can remember song lyrics to songs I haven’t heard in decades, outfits that friends wore at parties they don’t remember going to, and phone numbers from my childhood but I will forget your name ten minutes after you tell it to me. Those three interviews I had? I have no idea who they were with because I can’t remember names. But my best friend’s phone number in third grade? Oh yeah, I could still dial it.
5. I’ve written this before but what the heck. I’m a lucid dreamer. I usually know when I’m dreaming and will sometimes discuss this with the people in my dream. I also will sometimes wrench my dreams around to better suit my purposes. In my nightmares part of the nightmare-ish of it is that I know I’m dreaming and I wrench the dream around but the other people (bad guys) in the dream will wrench it back.
6. I am unable to return phone calls in a timely manner (if at all) unless it’s work-related and I have to. My friends know this about me and seem to accept it. I’m also not prone to calling people to chat because I hate to bother them. (The exception to this: My sister.) It’s worse with cell phones. I hate to call people on a cell phone because I know that they can always (theoretically) answer it and if they don’t want to, they might feel obligated. I hate to put them in that position; I’d rather just not call.

I tag all y’all. If you don’t have a blog (and why in the world wouldn’t you by this time????) then you could always answer in the comments. I mean, why not? It’ll be fun! Try it!

Abby is not exactly new to blogging. She’s been hanging out on the blog black hole that is myspace (oh the horror of the flashing banners) and she’s been reading most of your blogs for a long time. (Seriously, she is hep to the adoption world like crazy.) But now she’s finally come over to the light and got herself a domain and a wordpress install, thanks to Jenna’s recent notification about the killer dollar sale that was happening at her host. And it is posts like this, my friend that makes me love her. Seriously and yet hilarious. Funny yet wise. Oh dear Abby! How fortunate we are that you left the Michigan cold to grace us with your presence here in Ohio! Our homeschooling life is better for it! (Plus your kids are kinda nice.)

Add her to your blogrolls and learn to love her as we already do!

Sundays with Stretchy Pants

Anyway, I’m putting this out there because, while I would not trade my life for anything, sometimes it’s hard.  It’s hard.  And sometimes I write about it with a derisive style and I don’t want people to get the wrong idea.  I don’t tell my kids that I think they are black holes of need.  That would be mean.  I try to meet their needs and then I meet my needs by drinking.  Just kidding! I try to meet their needs and it is impossible.  Because they’re children.  This impossibility and my inadequacy as a mother weigh on me and I deal with it, like I deal with most things, with sarcasm. Self-preservation can be ugly.  I’m just trying to make it a little bit funny.  The end.

My friend Kristen was my old LLL leader (I’ve known her for more than a decade now) and now she’s my homeschool-y connection. I count on her to send the random heads up about nifty stuff in town. She’s the unschooler I want to be — lots of projects, activities, chaos — if only I could handle lots of projects, activities and chaos. She’s finally blogging, thank GOD (we’ll get the rest of them on board eventually) and if you’ve got kids who like crafts or like crafts yourself or enjoy just being a craft voyeur, check her out (and leave comments so she doesn’t give up and quit blogging): Pepper Paints

(Oh and ANOTHER thing! She has this annual fourth of July part and Pennie came with me to one of ‘em way awhile back. Now she says, “Someday I’d like to be a mom like Kristen with lots of art and activity!” And I’m like, “What am I chopped liver?” And she’s like, “Well, you ain’t no Kristen.” And I must concede this is true so I content myself with merely being friends with Kristen.)