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Quotes, love and the blues

Adoption, The Story of My Life 24 Responses »

May 242010

Quotes from Madison today

“Thanks for making that coffee cake. I am famished!”

“Can you get me my sunglasses? I want to bask in the sun for a little bit.”

Love

We babysat Roscoe on Friday; Noah adores him. He adores Noah right back and I’d say (although Madison would disagree with me then wander off because she thinks babies are a little bit boring) that of the four of us, Roscoe loves Noah best.

Pennie brought pizza and after a raucous, silly dinner she left to see a friend for a bit while we got Roscoe duty. Brett and Madison took off to run an errand but Noah opted to stay behind and keep on with his Roscoe adoration. We were lying around the family room watching Roscoe crawl over Noah’s legs and make scrunchy faces (for the sheer joy of watching Noah make scrunchy faces right back) when Noah said, “Why are babies so exhausting when you’re basically not doing anything at all?” I told him that mobile babies are stressful because they can so quickly get into trouble if you turn attention away for a minute and also Madison is right — they are pretty boring and the stressed/bored combination wears a person out.

Then Noah asked what kind of baby he was and what kind of baby Madison was and then he reminisced a bit about baby Madison and how good she smelled.

“Like formula,” he said fondly then lamented that Roscoe didn’t smell exactly the same way.

“He smells good,” he said. “But not like Madison.”

Then he asked me if Roscoe was a particularly interesting, fabulous baby and I said he was indeed an extremely nice baby but that the babies you love seem better than the babies you don’t love “And you do love him,” I said. And Noah sighed and smiled and then scrunched his face up at Roscoe again and said, “I know, I really really do.”

That evening we all sat outside in the rocking chairs while Madison raced up and down the driveway on her scooter and Roscoe slept all snugged up in a blanket taking turns in our laps and I thought, really? We get to do this? How did we get so lucky?

When Pennie came back, Roscoe cried the way babies do when they’ve been waiting waiting waiting ever so patiently for mommy to come home and are SO relieved when she finally does and it was thundering and lovely out. Madison ran out with her to the car in the rain and it was a very good night.

The Blues

My introvert overload hit me hard on Thursday night and I fell apart at the seams. It took all weekend to recharge and I still feel fragile and trembling. This week will be much much lighter, thank goodness. Related to this I was talking to Brett about my inability to do small talk. I’m not totally unable to do it but I have to work really hard at it; it takes terrific effort for me to keep a conversation light and casual. When I’m introvert overloaded I have an even harder time with it and sometimes I just can’t so I go stiff and silent. Better to not speak at all than be wildly intimate and inappropriate.

“So your husband works a lot of late nights? Do the evenings ever feel endless and you find yourself standing at the counter mixing up yet another pot of macaroni and cheese and wondering how in the hell you’re going to do it for one more night?”

Ok maybe not THAT bad but still.

I think this small talk issue might be because introverts like to have a few close friends more than they like to have lots of casual friends. Right now the nature of my life means I have lots of casual friends (most of this is because of the kids — I have a lot of casual friends because of the kids’ involvement in this or that. You know, you chat at the soccer field during games, stuff like that). So there are lots and lots of opportunities to make small talk and sometimes when I’m burned out I just can’t do it. I’ll hold my own for several social events and then hit a wall where I can no more chat with strangers than I could run a marathon. I’m just done. Depleted. Exhausted.

Which made me think about how introverts can often seem hostile when really we are overloaded and unable to participate with any grace in casual conversation and that for the overloaded introvert, the rest of the world seems hostile. which is why we’re hostile in defense. Like you go to a dinner party where you don’t know anyone when you’re already feeling a touch more introverted than usual and you walk into the dining room and you’re just SURE that no one wants to sit next to you or talk to you and then when someone does, you can’t think of what to say because you’ve lost your ability to chit chat so you mumble something and cross your arms and stare at your plate and let the conversation drop without grace leaving dead air in its wake and then the night kinda goes downhill from there.

I know you introverts know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.

But I can recognize my introversion for what it is and cut myself slack for not always being up to whatever social task is set before me. Hitting my limit is sometimes inevitable (end of year events came fast and furious over the past couple of weeks) and it’s a reminder to say no to things. Which is why I’m not going to Madison’s end of year pizza party for soccer tonight. Brett can have pizza party duty and he’ll enjoy it so even though he’s worried I’m missing out, I am gleeful that I will be alone alone alone for about three hours this evening. I think I will putter around the house. I’ve been so busy that the house could use some attentive puttering.

On being a writer

Writing 13 Responses »

Mar 142010

Here is a fact: If you are a writer, most of your friends/family will not read your stuff. They will if you ask them to (they are good like that) but they won’t if you don’t. I have written a lot (not just this blog) and I’d venture to say that the only non-writer person who I am friends and/or related to who has read most of it (not all) is Brett. And that’s because I make him.

Now writer friends will read you and they will applaud you and encourage you but most people who are not writers will not read what you write.

Here’s a true story about a relative who shall remain nameless. Said relative met another writer and wanted to see what this writer has written so they did a google on that writer’s name. Then they did a google on mine. They reported back to me, “Wow, you’ve written a lot! Even more than [other writer]!”

See, said relative who shall remain nameless was thinking of this new person as a writer since they met said writer in the capacity of Writer but since they met me in the capacity of Relative it never occurred to them that I am also a writer. And in fact am more accomplished than the other writer and (I say, pretending to look modestly down) I’m more talented. Despite the googling, they still seem to persist in seeing my writing as an adorable hobby of mine that I do when I’m not busy scrubbing floors. (This even though they’ve visited my home and know I do not scrub floors.)

I am usually not all that concerned about people who I love and who love me who don’t read me stuff because if I was concerned it’d drive me crazy so I have decided to not be crazy about it but it is kind of lonely. Because my writing is very important to me and I rarely get to talk about it with people who are otherwise very interested in other parts of my life. Again, this makes perfect sense. They are interested in my kids or my for-pay work or in my cooking or in my marriage or in my other friendships because they can relate to these things but if you are not a writer, it’s hard to make much sense of writing. Too, some people hate writing or have bad feelings about writing or are casual writers and so they understand writing in a particular way that makes them think they are understand writing for ME and for other serious writers but this is not true. Impossible to disabuse people of this notion though. That’s just how it is. But it’s a piece missing in a lot of my relationships because here’s this thing that kinda runs my life (because really I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to have more time with my family and more time to write and everything else is detail) but it’s like it happens in a vacuum.

Of course I haven’t written much in the last year because I’ve been busy trying to Make Money. This is depressing. Not just because trying to Make Money can be dreary work but also because I’ve discovered that the friends and family who won’t read the stuff I write for the sake of writing are inordinately interested in how I’m doing at all that money making. Which matters to me (sure) but doesn’t matter to me as much as writing for the sake of writing.

I’m disgruntled lately. I blame it on the wait to hear from grad school.

Ahh well.

What Brett did

Friends 20 Responses »

Jan 102010

Two years ago I told Brett I wanted a surprise party for my fortieth party. I’ve never had a surprise party and I decided I wanted one. Then a year ago, I realized that we’d be celebrating Noah’s bar mitzvah the same month I would turn forty and that having two big events like that would be too much. So that was the end of that.

Tomorrow I turn 40 so this is my birthday weekend. Abby and Kristen and Lynne (my homeschool potluckers) decided to take me out to The Happy Greek. Yesterday Lynne us all up and they gave me coffee and Snowville creamer in the car on the way there. Which is to say that I was having a lovely birthday celebration before we even got to the restaurant.

Then we got there and we walked in and there was a group of people who turned to look at us as we came in and I saw Terreece and I saw Leslie, who are both writing group people and I thought, “What? Why is my defunct writing group meeting without me?” And then I saw Tracy and I thought, “And did they replace me with Tracy?” because she’s a writer but wasn’t in our writing group. But then I noticed that Allyo and Lis were both there, too, and then I was really confused because they aren’t writers although they are all mixed up socially with my people for various reasons (and because this is Columbus) and so I stood there at a loss and I remember people saying, “Surprise!” and “We’re here for you, Dawn!” But I really didn’t get it AT ALL.

Turns out Brett arranged it (with Abby’s help) and chose the guest list based on the people who came to the Toy Exchange and the people I’ve mentioned in passing that I wanted to see more or that I was particularly missing. (Pennie was invited but couldn’t make it because they’re having some car trouble.) He called ahead and set things up with the restaurant so there were appetizers waiting and the food was delicious and the talk was even better. The knitters talked knitting, we all talked family and partners and kids, the writers talked writing (and we decided to do a monthly women writers’ social hour that we’ll keep open-ended and invite all the local writers we know so holler if you want in) and the bloggers talked the Ohio Moms Blog. He had to cap the invites to ten so there were people I missed but every single person who was there was exactly someone I wanted to see. And he totally totally surprised me.

I am, as I have said, inordinately lucky in my friends.

I am also ridiculously lucky in my husband. I always know he loves me and am nearly always sure that he likes me (even when I am at my most unlikeable) but yesterday showed me that he also pays attention to me. Ok, sometimes (often) I feel like a broken record talking about chores and schedules and all the mundane things that bog down a life but if I ever start thinking that maybe he’s tuned me out completely, I’m going to remember yesterday and how it reflects how well he knows me and how attentive he is when it matters.

I’d say that forty is looking better all the time!

Ten reasons yesterday was fabulous

Friends 8 Responses »

Nov 292009

Yesterday was the used toy exchange and it went just great. Ten reasons why:

1. The attendees. Some of my favorite people who I see far too little showed up along with favorite people who I see a lot but can never see too often. If we are judged by the company we keep then I am awesome because awesomeness is what showed up to my toy exchange.

2. Getting rid of toys is deeply gratifying especially when you get to see other people say, “Yes! Just what I wanted to put in the stocking!” as they haul your junk away.

3. Free finger puppets!! Thanks Mollie!!! (I love finger puppets, which is weird because I don’t really love regular puppets.)

4. New friend for Madison!! Thanks again Mollie!!!

5. Three of us who are writers and who have that stay-at-home, making-a-living, raising-kids reality staged an impromptu support group at the end of the day and it fed my heart and gave me courage. Thanks Tracy and Terreece!!! That really needs to happen more often.

6. Free toys for Roscoe! There seemed to be some kind of unspoken competition to give Roscoe the best, most rocking baby toys and Pennie went home with something like four boxes/bags of really nice baby toys. I told her she can bring them all back next year when people will have toddler toys to give her because that is the Circle of Life toy style. She was really happy with her haul!

7. Allyo brought some seriously delicious pastry but then she always brings the good eats.

8. Terreece‘s son is just a month older than Roscoe and for some reason it’s hilarious to me to see babies the same age together. There was some major cuteness going on in my living room by the end of the day.

9. Roscoe is talking! Ok so it’s baby talk — he’s still brilliant. He’s verbalizing now and grinning and being an audacious flirt. Oh lord, he is cute! Madison sang to him for a good long time and he got his eyes fixed on her and tried to sing along. I just ordered a new (to me) video camera and can’t wait to get some of this on tape!

10. My now clean house because we cleaned pre-party (of course) and it stayed clean and then we got rid of so much. Decluttering is such a lovely, lovely thing and my heart gets lighter with every bag of stuff I send out the door.

I highly recommend the used toy swap as a fine social event as well as a useful means of gathering toys while getting rid of toys. We didn’t do anything formal — just set the stuff out and let people dig around. It wasn’t like one-to-one trades (although people could do that, too, if they wanted) and every time someone said, “Am I taking too much?” everyone else would say, “No! Take! Take more!” It was a lot of fun. Two thumbs up!

(Several people encouraged me to make this an annual thing so I’m going to. It was just that good!)

No such thing as a best blog

Adoption, Blogging 4 Responses »

Oct 172009

I am actually very competitive. I’m so competitive that I refuse to compete. Really. The first time I was nominated for a blog contest (it was the first year of the BOB awards), I asked to be removed. For one thing, I was up against friends and I don’t LIKE competing against friends. And for another thing we all know that any blog contest with voting isn’t even a popularity contest — it’s something even less relevant than that; it’s a contest of whose friends are most into winning and the only thing worse than competing against friends is competing FOR friends to compete against friends.

I have no delusions. I write a nice blog here and all but there are many many fabulous adoption blogs and none of my favorites are on the nomination sheet. This isn’t any grand conspiracy either — it’s just that only four adoption blogs got nominated. The press release says, “TheBump.com will showcase up to 10 of the most noteworthy finalists for each of the 15 blog categories”, which means there were six empty spaces that by rights should have been filled in by some folks on my blogroll.

I shoulda paid attention when Jenna announced she’d nominated me because then I would have nominated HER because she’s one of my favorites (obviously) but also because we’ll know the times they are a-changing when a first parent wins an adoption category in a mommy blog contest.

(The thing about Jenna is that she’s like a Trojan horse of a blog when it comes to adoption reform. This is why she pisses so many people off on either side — she’s someone who resolutely walks the tightrope because she has a “good” open adoption but she doesn’t think that lets anyone off the hook. I mean, what she writes? It’s really transgressive because you can’t label her with a free and easy label. Think about it — she got birth motherhood into REDBOOK for crying out loud! And not happy-dappy birth motherhood either. That’s some powerful activism right there.)

This is also why I won’t keep the prize if I win. If I win the first round, the gift certificate will go to Pennie. If I win the second, it’ll go to Ethica. Because this isn’t a contest I’d feel like I EARNED and I’m a whole lot more comfortable going out and begging for votes if it’s not about ME. You know? I also like the counterpoint of specifically giving the prizes to the people who are missing from the contest (i.e., a first mom and an agency working for the rights of adoptees and first parents).

Anyway, vote for me zillions of times between now and 11:59pm EST Monday (I wrote to the folks running the contest and they said it’s kosher to hit refresh and vote a bunch of times if you want). And now I’m going to go lie face down in my bed because I am sick sick sick with a sore throat and fever.