this woman’s work

When you gather six siblings across three marriages who have never been in the same place at the same time into one room to surprise the father they share? Answer: It’s a trick questtion! Because at least one sibling won’t get there!!

So we were trying to have a family reunion for my dad and boy howdy, did it bring out the daddy issues! Tears! Rants! Cussing! (that would be me — all three) Frantic angry phone calls! Rabid emails! (Me and me again.)

And I was not the only one although I was the most, shall we say, vocal. But! I love my father although I grieve my father and like the other scurrying, worrying daughters (and one laid-back son) I had high hopes for the day.

Five kids made it although to be fair three of us live in Ohio and making it there wasn’t so hard. Two flew across country. And one didn’t make it onto her plane. We are sad about that. The one who didn’t make it is the one most lost to us. I haven’t seen her in twenty-five years and the youngest two kids didn’t even know she existed until they were in grammar school.

It may be that my dad will never get to see his kids together and that is heartbreaking but it’s also the truth of our family. Surely you can now see why I’ve been mulling over family-of-origin AND adoption issues this week while I worked my way through all of this.

Grieving — yet again — my dad even as I love my dad reminds me of how Madison is sure to grieve Pennie even as she loves Pennie and that sometimes that grief and that love will look like other things. Nobody could replace my daddy — the one I had or the one I missed. My oldest sister (the one who missed her plane) who had a step dad would surely say the same thing even though my dad released his parental rights because everyone said it would just be fine. And I sure can’t replace Pennie.

(What kind of ludicrous world is it that anyone assumes that anyone can replace your lost parents anyway???)

But I also realize I can never make this all better for her. I can’t protect her from it. I can’t shield her. I miss my daddy and she will miss her mommy. But I can love the hell out of her and I can love Pennie and I can get out of the way when I need to and I can listen with sympathy whenever they talk. That’s all I can do.

Life is so hard. We love each other so much and it’s still so damn hard.

The whole thing made me miss Pennie like crazy but she has plans tonight so tomorrow we will see her. Because that’s another thing. She has her own family of origin stuff (obviously I ain’t gonna spill her laundry here) and so she totally gets mine. I can say to her, “Wow, I am totally damaged in this way” and she can say, “Word. I am totally damaged in my own way.” We bond over this. And we bond over our worries and fears and ridiculously overflowing love for Madison. We used to think that we could make the right decisions and make it all ok and lately we’ve been talking — we can only make it a different kind of hard but we can love her any old way and love each other, too. And step out first with forgiveness knowing that all of us — my dad included — are just doing the goddamn best we can.