this woman’s work

Last night I had a dream that I met Madison’s first dad only he was someone other than who he really is. And I was so relieved that I finally met him and that I could see where Madison got this and that and in my dream he was kind and loving and open to being a part of our family. I had Madison on my hip (she was just a baby) and I was talking to him and looking at her and he was surprised because we had all thought this other man was her father (the one who is in real life) and it turned out to be so much easier. We were all surprised.

When I woke up I had that in-between feeling that I could somehow make my dream true if I just held onto it hard enough but then my eyes opened and I knew it wasn’t like that at all.

I don’t give these particular details on the blog so the most I’ll say is that I’m sad for everyone around Madison’s first dad. I’m sad for Madison and for Pennie and for him because he doesn’t know what he’s missing. And I’m sad for me a little, too, (selfish as that is) because I want to know him or at least see him. As Madison gets older and her face changes, I can see this whole other family in there and I feel so frustrated. But the situation is what it is and I just hope that at some point we can have some contact.

And now I’m off to stalk him on the internet — I’m eternally looking to see if he has a myspace or some such account but so far no luck.