this woman’s work

Yesterday we homeschoolers headed out to a Wexner Center school program for the Frog Bride. Afterwards the performers had a Q&A session and the kids asked lots of great questions (Noah wondered why there was only one actor in the show). Me, I wanted to know how in the hell those guys make a living and if it’s a real living or one where they still need to borrow money from their parents.

When I did that talk at the GCAC, I told the artists that they need to become their own patrons. The way I see it, people who get to live purely creative lives are few and far between and PARENTS (particularly mothers) who get to live them are even fewer. But many of us can live partially creative lives if we play our cards right. I mean, I’d rather sit around all day and think deep thoughts and write those deep thoughts down then stare at my page and sigh and go daydream for awhile and then come back and edit before I go back to staring into the middle distance. Unfortunately I have to make a living and I also have to wipe tushies, buy groceries, yell at people who leave their soccer shoes in the middle of the kitchen floor, discuss the merits of High School Musical II vs. High School Musical I and otherwise live my life outside of my head most of the time.

I have been itching lately to write but life has conspired against me. Having lots of work is a blessing even if it’s a creative curse and in this economy I’m grateful for my over-scheduled calendar even if it means I’m feeling a little run ragged. So it goes.

I’ll admit that I was feeling jealous of that guy hopping around the stage like a Frog Bride and jealous of the musicians accompanying him but I was also feeling inspired.

What I told the GCAC crowd is that creatives are good at finding creative solutions, right? We can find inspiration in odd places (like catalog copy or writing up a brochure) and we can also build skills when we stretch our corporate muscles. Plus we’re driven enough that we manage to squeeze the good stuff in around the mundane details of actual in real life living.

At least that’s what I tell myself when I’m cursing my calendar but blessing my billing. There’s time for everything if I’m willing to work in fits and starts. (And neglect the children some — they don’t mind. It means more television for them!)

But this freelancing I’ve been doing, I’ve learned a lot that’s benefitted my creative career not the least is to find opportunity and (important part) be willing to reach out and grab it. I’ve also learned a lot about marketing, a lot about networking and reminded myself of how much I enjoy public speaking and direct service with clients. To grow myself professionally I’ve had to stretch myself personally and since a creative career is a career (meaning I’ve never wanted to be Emily Dickinson) what I’m getting out of this less creative one has so far served me well in other ways.

Anyway. This is a buck myself up post because I’m itching to write this one essay and just haven’t had the time AT ALL and am looking at more work coming down the pike.

I’m at a place where I need to stop and reorient myself and figure out what the heck I’m doing and it’s not been easy. I met with someone today and started out thinking I was going to have to resign myself to a certain situation but she asked enough pointed questions that I ended up all trembling and tearful confessing that I don’t know what in the heck to do next but that the way I’m doing things now isn’t really working the way I want it to. So she gave me a sound (but loving) talking to and reminded me of what I really wanted out of this great freelancing gig I’ve been working on. She shook her finger at me and shook her head and patted me on the back when I needed it. Plus she bought lunch because I was pitiful. (Honestly — we agreed that this was so. I was a little pitiful.)

Having mentors is a great blessing especially, I think, for women who have some extra things to overcome. (Like the number of people who think I’m freelancing as a hobby. You know, until my husband gets a real job.)

One of the hardest things in the world for me is to accept help when I don’t have something to trade to make it all even. It makes me feel guilty and vulnerable and like I need to scurry away and hide somewhere. But there are a couple of women in my life (Julia being one, Chris being the other and the one who bought me lunch today) who just won’t let me reject their support and encouragement. I want to be them someday, which is as a good a reason as any to hang in there, right? Because this freelancing thing? It can be ugly and competitive and people will sell you out so if you don’t have some folks who are there to cheer you on, it’s easy to become overwhelmed. And man, I’ve been feeling disoriented and overwhelmed and ready to throw in the towel.

But they won’t let me quit. They believe in me when I’m having trouble believing in myself. (sniff)

Just temporarily, mind you. My old mouse was busted so Brett got me a new one and I did the whole switch-out before I realized that the new one needs to charage. I use my laptop as a monitor though so I have a mouse — just not a convenient one. Basically my entry title is a big lie. Nevermind.

So yesterday my presentation went (I think) well! At least I had fun and people laughed and afterwards some people stood around to ask some advice and some emailed me to say thanks. Mostly it was FUN even though I sweating bullets up there, lemme tell you. There are some things I would do/say differently next time but this is the first time I’ve given a talk like this and not one that was writing-specific. I’m thinking of maybe putting together a longer workshop where there’d be assignments and stuff.

I’ve been having some career remorse lately because I was wishing that I had gone for that MSW or PsyD or something that would let me work with people and get paid. Although who am I kidding? It’d be awfully hard to make enough as an MSW to pay off my MSW loans.

My friend Alicia, who put together yesterday’s workshop, said that maybe I should be a coach but those coaches — some of them are downright cheesy and when I see a coach-type I always think they don’t know what they’re talking about. I’m judgmental like that.

I’m at a career impasse as far as my money-making career goes. But I think it’s that I’m struggling with a particular problem and I need to just trudge my way through it. (I’ve got some things set up re., trudging but haven’t had the meetings they require yet.) Sorry to be so vague — suffice to say that at every new level of this here full-time freelance gig, I have to revisit said full-time freelance gig. I never really want to give it all up but sometimes I wander around complaining that I do. You really can’t believe me when I do that and you need to hear the cry for help (and chocolate) beneath the whining. You can imagine how fun it is to be married to me.

Anyway! Today is Thursday but for me it’s not quite Thursday because I have work to do and can’t go play with friends. So I’m sending my stand-in (Brett) and then meeting up with everyone afterwards. I’m a little jealous of my stand-in but he deserves joy, too, I suppose. (sigh)

I’ve been on the hunt for an agent but not talking about it here because I didn’t think any agent would appreciate being live-blogged but I’m going to go ahead and talk about it now.

I got the names of several agents through editor/writer friends and decided to just run through the list. I’ve made it through four now and think I’ll stop. This was the feedback:

• First agent had no comment about the proposal but said a couple of snide things about open adoption. Obviously she passed on the project.
• Second agent LOVED the project, thought it was terrific but also thought it would end up on parenting shelves and this is not really what he represents. He was very encouraging and gave me the names of four other agents who have represented complementary projects. Note: these weren’t referrals but still, his response made me happy.
• Third agent sent a form rejection.
• Fourth agent wrote me several times over the course of the last month or so expressing excitement over the project and letting me know that it’d gotten over each hurdle. Last response came on Monday: they really love the proposal and think it has legs. BUT. It’s a memoir. They think I need to write the whole book before they can pitch it. If I’m willing to do that, I should get back to them. (In other words, there’s no guarantee that writing the whole book will get them as my agent but it will help.)

And this is probably true. I probably do need to write the whole book. Yes, people get book deals on a narrative, memoir-ish book without writing the whole book first but it’s a harder sell.

I’m processing this need to write the whole book. I was wringing my hands about it when I got the letter. (Ok, actually I was crying.) I don’t exactly have a lot of spare time to write a book because of this whole need to pay the bills thing but then who does? I know a lot of writers and most of them are writing books they don’t have time to write. I mean, it’s not impossible. And it might be fun. So I’m feeling better about it.

I figure I’ll work on the book and maybe look for markets to place some of the chapters as I go. I’m thinking smaller lit magazines to cement a stronger creative nonfiction reputation. I want a respectable career that lasts. I can always make money writing about socks for fashion purveyors so I’m less worried about trying to make money in my creative writing life. Yes, it’d be nice but for the kind of career I want, it’s not really about money.

I thought about going to the next name on the list of agents I’ve still got sitting here but I’m going to try this on now. I’m going to try writing some more. It makes me alternately excited and exhausted to think about it. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I had a meeting this morning and lots of stuff this afternoon. The sun is finally back out and warming the place up, which is especially fabulous since Brett made a huge fuss about not using the heater again this season. Good thing Madison got those footie pajamas for her birthday but the rest of us were freezing all day yesterday!!

I’m lamenting the lousy contract I signed two years ago for an essay someone wants to reprint. She likely can but will need to pay the folks who published the piece. If this goes through it’ll be the second reprint I’ve missed out on and I’m afraid the beauracracy of getting permission will shoot my essay to the back of the line. It kills me because this is such a good, out-of-the-blue opportunity and if only I hadn’t had stars in my eyes two years ago, I never would have signed the darn thing without trying to negotiate.

(Let that be a lesson to me!)

I could use some good career news right about now because between this debacle and my biggest client paying out late (it’s two weeks late now and people, that’s my mortgage) I’m in a terrible, no good, very bad mood about the whole thing.