this woman’s work

Brett goes back to work tomorrow and he will be missed. Things I will miss most:

• His morning pancakes
• The way he brings me a second cup of coffee while I’m sitting at my desk
• Being able to start the morning at my desk undisturbed
• Knowing that he’ll run the kids to the park and/or library and otherwise fill their lives with wholesome activity
• His annoying singing in the morning
• Having him open the window I can’t reach above my desk
• Chatting with him over lunch
• Talking myself through writer’s block will he patiently listens
• Watching him serve dinner with a flourish and more singing
• All the errands he somehow finds time to run

Well, now I’m a little sad.

This has been a difficult year full of growth and struggle. I’ve learned more than I really wanted to know about the inner-workings of my financial fears and we’ve worked through so much as a couple. I’m excited about this next stage because I think it can get us where we want to be faster (mainly, getting Brett home again with a more stable budget — unless he loves his job so much he wants to stay there, too) and I’m also nervous about keeping up this level of work with a more challenging schedule.

The flipside of the challenging schedule is that I’ll be forced to leave work with work instead of carrying it along with me. I think if I drop most of my pro bono efforts that it’ll go a long way to freeing up my time. I also am going to do a lot less in-person networking and more working the network I already have (because I need to think about marketing, which always seems counterintuitive when I’m really busy but eventually the slow times will come back). And having the one car is going to be annoying. (There’s a bus that we think runs near his job but how near and the length of the commute have not been confirmed. We do know that it’ll be a trade-off: Having a car or having Brett home in a timely manner. It’s not economical to drive him myself gas-wise.)

I got most of my business systems worked out so that I can work more effectively and it’s going to be easier now than it was before Brett came home. (I wasn’t juggling nearly as much work then but what I was juggling I was handling badly.) Besides, it’s only seven weeks of Brett being gone days and then it’ll be a lot easier. (I do my best work in the morning and tend to burn out by about 2pm, which is when Brett will be heading out when his schedule changes.)

So we will be back to a 2-income family. I made a full-time salary in my ePreg days but since then my paychecks have been very much of the part-time variety so this will be the first time in quite awhile that our coffer will have the benefit of two folks throwing money at it. We’re thinking six to eight months and then we’ll reassess barring any exciting developments on my end.

I will also have less time to write for myself for the next two months, which makes me sad/frustrated. Thing is, it’s about long-term plans and knowing that it’s a priority for our future does much to ease my grousing.

Sometime I want to write more about how it’s been to change out our traditional gender roles (husband working, wife carrying for kids & home) and how it has and has not impacted our marriage. I will say that it’s been a bigger deal for people around us than for us although it did force us to confront some of our ingrained ideas about how our family works.

I’m very busy. Very very very very very busy busy busy. Kinda busier than I have been in weeks. It’s good busy (lots of paid work) but my head seriously might just get so wrought up with busy that it might fly right off my neck. Yes, I’m being literal. My head may literally pop off of my neck due to sheer busyness. I am that busy.

Last night Brett and I were discussing this busyness. (Well, I was thrumming with exhausted energy and he was trying to soothe me with his calm, calm voice.) And we are both happy about it because we hope that Brett’s foray back into the work world is temporary unless he loves it (or at least loves getting our benefits for cheap again — new glasses here I come!) and if it’s working schedule-wise, then he’ll stay. But we still feel like our default choice is two at-home/working parents when we can swing it.

Brett got this new budgeting software that puts everything in buckets. It’s like the envelope budget system (a system that both sets of grandparents swear by plus Abby’s husband and everyone knows he’s a genius) only with buckets so that we can say, “You’re still doing envelopes? Totally old school. Everyone knows that BUCKETS are where it’s at!” Because we like to be the coolest middle-aged people at our potlucks. Anyway, he got this new budgeting software and when we’re not watching hulu.com, we’re staring at our virtual buckets and gleefully rubbing our hands together as we anticipate the invoices I will send.

It takes so little to make us happy.

Oh and our air conditioner went out (although with fabulous timing however seeing as how it’s pretty cool right now and will be for awhile yet) so we’re even more motivated to fill that “house maintenance” bucket up to a certain amount.

So forgive me the lousy blogging today. I’m really too busy to give you a suitable and scintillating blog and this will have to do.

Oh and the money bucket software? Moneywell. Mac only.

And in many ways it’s the perfect job because once he’s through the 7-week training he’ll go to second shift (3:30 to midnight), which means he will remain the primary caregiver when I’m working. We can have a big lunch as a family (instead of dinner) and on the days when I’m up to my neck with work, he leaves just as PBS Kids starts their afternoon programming, which means I can use the TV as my childcare during that time as women have done throughout the ages. Or at least throughout my particular age.

The two challenges are the 7-week training because it’s 9 to 5 and not worth it to go through the fight to find a decent sitter (I will cobble together childcare from family and friends so I’m not that worried — plus Noah is a good last-minute sister-wrangler) and it’s too far for him to walk/bike but not on a bus line. We may get a junker car for awhile. That’s what we did before — he had a lousy 2-door monstrosity that got great gas mileage and was just for his commute. For now likely he’ll take the van and I’ll rely on those friends and family for when I need a ride. Again this is why we moved here — there’s enough walkability that I don’t need a car most days anyway so it’s not a huge insurmountable block. I can always drive him, too, and we can take the bus to some of our homeschool stuff, which the kids will think is a treat and will remind me of Portland since that was our sole transport back then.

While I will no longer be the sole wage earner, I’ll still need to add my income to make our budget because the pay off for the flexible hours is not such great pay but we expected that. Our main goal is not to let go of our business because that has the most potential to give us the lifestyle that we want. And I have to admit that it’s nice to know that some of the heat is off of me so I won’t need to feel guilty when I’m writing something that won’t pay the bills.

1. I opened the refrigerator, reached for the milk and did something to my back or my shoulders or my neck or something. This is what comes of being on the computer all of the time. I worked really really late on Monday and I haven’t taken the time to stop and stretch since then. Plus I’m still not sleeping well so I’m not really relaxing at night. Result: Sore, aching shoulders/neck and wrenching something merely by reaching for milk. I feel like I’m 80-thousand years old. Argh.
2. We can’t get any channels on our television. Well, we can get very fuzzy channels but not ones you can, you know, watch. And Tivo doesn’t recognize them so we can’t use Tivo. I’m sure we’ll figure out a fix but we’re grouchy about it. Apparently we were worse cable addicts than we knew.
3. I’m really busy and it’s not all happy-busy. A lot of it is just busy. I’m tired. My neck hurts. Too much busyness and not enough happy-busy!
4. What is with gorgeous, smart, funny women who are living with/dating/married to rotten men? What is up with that? How can we put a stop to low self-esteem and low standards? People! How can we save our sisters??? <— said like Cree Summer playing Freddy on A Different World (I miss cable)
5. I have another complaint that I’m not blogging (yet) but we could use a medium-sized miracle in the next few weeks and I’m tired of looking for one. Reality bites. I’m worn out from spinning my wheels and forcing myself to be cheerful about it.
6. You people with your adorable free kittens! Stop flaunting the cuteness! We officially have decided NO KITTENS. Sad but true. Reasons are as follows: My sister and nephew are very allergic and having a kitten here will be a hardship to family visits; Peanut may not like kittens; kitten vet visits aren’t in our budget at the moment; litterboxes; kitty footprints on our kitchen counter skeeve me out. I like kittens so even though I believe this is a smart decision, I’m bummed out about it. Particularly the not-in-the-budget thing. I want to have enough money to be mildly irresponsible without feeling so dang guilty about it. Like, “Pizza tonight? Sure! Order two — they’re small!”
7. It’s hot. And humid. Dang Ohio. Why’d we ever leave the Pacific Northwest? (grumble)

That’s enough. Whining didn’t seem to make me feel better so I’m going to try OD’ing on caffeine next. A temporary fix is better than no fix at all, right? Grouch.

I’m home with the kids today while my husband is at work just like how things used to be but totally different. Brett started today at a Home Depot for three reasons:

1. Possibility of getting help with our insurance;
2. Learning to do some of the things around the house that need to get done and learning with an employee discount;
3. A break from the kids.

Seriously — a break from the kids was a big reason he wanted a job. I hear that.

Meanwhile it looks like my on-site gig, (which amounts to about five days a month across two weeks), might be regular which is what I hoped. At least they’ve already assigned my time to come next month. Perfect! It’s a big chunk of our budget right there and a big relief. Plus it’s fun. I mean really, really fun.

We think we’ll be able to swing the scheduling so that one of us is with the kids while the other is at work but there will surely be times where I’ll have a client meeting when Brett is gone so we’ve got a few back up plans. My sister is always good for some childcare and I volunteered Abby (without speaking to her first but she was game) and there’s Noah’s friend L’s family and the inlaws are back in town, at least for now. So that’s all good although Madison has been periodically showing up in tears to remind us that she never, ever, ever likes to have playdates when one of us is not with her. She says that when she is a mommy she will never, ever, ever leave her kids.

“I hate [job site]! Do all mommies have to go to [job site]? Or do some not go?”

I told her not all mommies go there and she declared that she certainly will not then. I told her this is fine.

I was having some stress earlier this week because someone sent a marketing this or that my way and it was all about getting out there and making zillions of dollars and I looked at it and thought, “I can see a way to market myself with these tools” and I could see how it might work but I could also see that to do it I would have to kinda push and shove some other people who are dabbling in the same sort of thing. And also there’s this marketing tone that’s very, “How much money have YOU made today???” that doesn’t resonate with me AT ALL. In fact, it’s something that kept me leery of marketing communications as a career and I still duck and cover when I show up at a networking meeting and there’s someone at the door glad-handing everyone and saying, “I made six figures in the last six months! How badly do YOU want success???”

The truth is I want some success. This past April with the two missing checks? That’s made me feel a lot less down on the whole money-money-money credo. But — not to be corny — I would be happy with money-money; I don’t need money-money-money. (See, first money covers the bills and the second money puts cash in savings.)

When things were feeling very bad last month, Brett and I sat ourselves down and said, “Can we really do this?” Because it looked like we were on our way to failing. Should Brett go back to a full-time desk job? Would I have to go back to scrambling for nickel-and-dime jobs while the house descended into chaos behind me? We put it all out on the table and decided, “No. We’ll make this work.” (Part of this was because we knew there’d be some very “I told you so” types if we threw in the towel, which made us want to kick freelance ass because we are contrary like that.)

Way back at the beginning of this thing Julia asked me what I wanted from this. Last week she reminded me of this after listening to me angst about not wanting to take over the world. She said, “Dawn, do you remember what your goal was? It was to make enough money to support your habit of being with your family.” (Is that a great line or what?)

This past April scared me so I was thinking, has it scared me enough to head into the dog-eat-dog, high-enthusiasm, take-no-prisoners world of hard-core marketing communications marketing? To elbow my way to the front? To make enemies in the name of getting more work and higher pay-outs? And Julia said, no. Because I don’t need money-money-money when money-money will do.

She also reminded me that I’ve come a long way, baby, in the past year. I know a lot more now and I know which marketing groups seem worth it and which didn’t do much for me so I’m wasting a lot less time smiling stiffly at events. I’ve made friends and contacts and colleagues. I’ve added a whole lot of work to my portfolio. I’ve learned the lingo and how to use it. I’ve learned to listen more than I talk. I’ve got a work wardrobe for the first time in my life and I’ve gained so much confidence that everything feels a lot less hard.

Other accomplishments:

• I’ve had several public speaking gigs and have three more upcoming;
• I’m no longer nervous about returning phone calls to perfect strangers;
• I’m not afraid to turn down work that doesn’t suit me;
• I have people who come to me with work.

That last one, that feels great, lemme tell you.

If this on-site gig sticks around awhile we’ll be in the clear even if someone loses a check (or two) for four (or six) weeks. If Brett likes Home Depot (and I think he will), he’ll be able to get some of the work done around here that’s making him crazy. (Like refinishing our oak floors that weren’t sealed and so are getting trashed; like finishing the basement; like building out an office space for me; like replacing more tile in the crazy bathrooms; like fixing the solar panel thingies on the roof; like rescuing the house from its 50+ year old landscaping.)

And we can support our habit of spending time with each other and with our kids. I know — how selfish are we? But yesterday I worked all morning and then Brett watched three sets of kids for the afternoon while I went thrifting with the moms and then the families all went out to dinner together and Noah sat laughing with the big kids and Madison giggled and fell off her chair with the little kids while the dads talked budgets and the moms talked kids and I thought, “This is what I’m in this for. Friends and family and time enough to work.”

Like everything it’s a balance. I’ll work a zillion hours a week as long as I can do it on my terms — with breaks to eat a sandwich with my husband or watch Noah play lacrosse or give Madison a foggy bath for her runny nose. I’ll hustle and hustle and hustle if I don’t have to sell-out to do it. But I have to stop sometimes to reassess — am I where I want to be and on my way to the next right stop? Today I am. Next week I’ll check again. And on and on and on.

It’s been a hard month. The trip to Portland was in many ways lousy and stressful, not to mention a whole helluva lot of money, with gleaming beacons of light (Susan among them) that almost but not quite made it worth it. Then the very large and very late — because it’s still not here — check earmarked for our entire budget for the month, throwing us completely off our budget. (It was meant to subsidize the ten days I wasn’t working and tide us over to the next pay-out.) Oh the money woes! Oh the financial strain!

So I dug in my heels and started making calls and sending out emails and now things are trickling in. I have three meetings scheduled this week and follow-up calls to make next week and an on-site job next week and another call just came in about something that maybe will turn into something else. Plus some encouraging news in other far-flung places, which all adds up to a summer that’s not looking quite so miserable as it was before. (Brett may still try to pick up some work though depending on how next week’s on-site job pans out because we need to rebuild our cushion.

But to serendipity. It’s interesting how the more you look around for work, the more work you find. And the more effort you make in connecting the more interesting connections you make. I keep getting payback from things I did months and months ago without much expectation and this is very encouraging since sometimes I wonder why I’m making these efforts. I tell you: the world is a small pond and things ripple in ways you wouldn’t expect.

Today I met with a woman I saw speak a couple of weeks ago. She has a great story and I knew I wanted to try to pitch her. So we hooked up and before she arrived I met another woman who happens to be an adoptive mother and who started talking to me after she saw me putting OpenAdoptionSupport.com cards out on the community table at the coffee shop. She knows some resources around town I hadn’t heard about (because she’s an international adopter) and I was interested to hear about them. (Also, Julia? She used to work for the local kidney foundation so we gossiped about kidneys a little bit.) Then I met the woman I was there to meet and we played six degrees until we figured out how we know each other. After two hours I have a pretty good handle on the pitch I want to make and a few markets in mind. I also have some ideas about how she can promote the good work she’s doing and that’s exciting, too.

Now I’m blogging right before I leave to take Madison to tumbling but the world seems like a great big wonderful place of possibility and interesting stories right now and this is the best way to feel when you’re still staring down a budget deficit and wondering when that big check is going to show up.

People, hang in there when the going gets tough. Keep working. It’ll pay off if you just keep showing up. (I say this to myself because I need to hear it, too.)