this woman’s work

Pennie just agreed to sit on the Open Adoption panel I’m gonna moderate at the next AAC Conference! Barring things like finals and stuff. I mean, the woman is busy! And it’s a long way off! But I SO want her to come even just to hang at the conference if she doesn’t want to do the panel!!

Right now the yesses and maybes I have are: Pennie (!!!), Shannon, Jenna and maybe just maybe Bacchus! (One or two people may be still in the works — it’s hard since it costs money to present and so I want to find folks who don’t have to hugely travel. Bacchus volunteered!!!  Barb, I would LOVE for you to come but understand if you couldn’t? And then there’s a birth parent near me who I’m waiting to hear from.) I chose people who have a variety of experiences with openness and different challenges but who are all committed to child-centeredness with maybe different results.

That would make it:

Me (moderating less more than participating)

Pennie (first mom)

Shannon (adoptive mom twice in two different-looking circumstances)

Jenna (first mom who is also, as we know, well-connected to many other people’s stories)

Bacchus (adoptive dad who did foster-to-adopt)

And one or two other first parents to be announced. (I’m kinda rooting for a first dad but am not sure if that’ll happen due to scheduling challenges.) Is that too big? It’s kinda big. It might work if it’s just we five, too, so I won’t fret much. But I’d like to have more as back-up since life happens and maybe people who thought they could come won’t be able to.

I keep tripping over adoption in weird places. I keep meeting people (in real life) who it turns out are adopted, have adopted siblings, lost/placed a baby for adoption, had a mother/aunt/sister/friend/grandmother who lost/placed a baby for adoption, know that there is an adopted sibling/cousin/aunt/nephew who was placed for adoption, etc. etc. etc.

I know I wouldn’t be privvy to these conversations if I didn’t have my own adoption story. I suspect I might not be privvy if my adoption story wasn’t an open adoption story since what leads to these generally intimate conversations is hearing that Pennie is a part of Madison’s life.

Every story is different and every story is in some ways the same. They are all heart-wrenching and moving and so important.

Then this made me think of something else. At the last American Adoption Congress conference, Sharon Roszia asked each triad group to stand. First the adoptees, then the birth families, then the adoptive families. I only stood for the adoptive families even though I am part of an extended birth family. Later I mentioned this to a first mom who was sitting with me sharing pictures and I said I hadn’t stood up because I knew that this family member wasn’t quite out about her adoption and I felt like it was taking on her story. Like I was usurping her story. And this woman leaned in and took my hand and said, “Next time you have to stand!” She said it fiercely. She said, “If you don’t stand, you’re denying that child your family lost! Stop denying her!”

She said it was my story, too, because it’s my family’s story. (And yes, I started to cry. I was already crying when I showed her pictures of Pennie but this set me to sniffling again.)

(I think about how little I know about this story and how afraid I am of digging and yes, it sure helps me understand how this denial happens. I have good intentions — the feelings of the people involved — but maybe those good intentions are misplaced. I don’t know. I’m working through it.)

So likely there are even more of us with adoption stories. Likely there are so many hidden children, hidden shames (hidden families) and really we ought to be talking more about it in real life. Really we ought to be talking about it so that the adoption secrets come spilling out and erase the shame as they come tumbling from the closets we hoped would contain them.

Three new questions up over at Open Adoption Support!!! Questions include: advice for an expectant mom thinking about placement, how to manage holidays and adopting older kids from foster care.

Also, got word that my panel proposal for the American Adoption Congress conference in Cleveland next spring is a go!

Open Adoption: Promises and Truth

Sunday, April 26th 2009

8:45am to 10am

I’m working to line up some fab women (who perhaps you might know! I’m just sayin’!) to share their stories of living open adoption as first and adoptive parents, talking about their expectations before the adoption and the real life challenges and of course the need for more open adoption support.

Once I know for sure who will be there (I have fairly firm yeses from two) I’ll let y’all know.

I’ve started sharing the data over at the Open Adoption Support site. I’m going to share a little bit of it each day and hope that it will encourage discussion. Today I shared the breakdown of respondents. Feel free to pass it on if you passed the survey on! There’s some interesting data and it gives me a better idea of the directions the site needs to go.