this woman’s work

In the past two weeks I’ve heard three stories where adoptive parents did something to cut off contact between their children and their children’s first parents. In one of these cases, I know the first mom personally and I know with what careful respect she moved forward in the relationship after her child found her. Her behavior — putting her concerns about her child and her child’s family above her own — was exemplary. She is a loving, kind, safe person who is raising fabulous children that are a testament to her strength and responsibility. She is, in short, amazing but the adoptive parents chose not to learn this because they cut her off. And I am livid on her behalf (and on behalf of her child).

I’ve said it before a million times — I understand feeling however you need to feel. I understand how it might seem threatening and scary to have a new relative you weren’t expecting for awhile. I can doubly appreciate how this might feel if your child is at an age where they’re pulling away and your relationship already feels strained. (I have no idea if this is true in this case but I’m looking to understand why they might have made this decision.) Yes, go ahead and feel that way but the unequivocal slammed door? THAT I don’t get.

Want to lose your child’s trust and confidence? Make them choose. Want to set up an us vs. them mentality in their heads and hearts? Slam the doors.

Feel how you need to feel. It’s ok to be afraid. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to want to hang up the phone or burn the letter. But you can’t do it.

Here’s my unasked for advice. If you adopted a child in a closed adoption or semi-open adoption and your child finds or is found by his or her first parents, get thee to a reunion support group. Call up your agency, your lawyer or a local agency or lawyer and ask them — is there a reunion support group around here? Talk to first parents, adoptees and adoptive parents who have lived through reuninons. Read some books.

Better yet, do this BEFORE your child reunites. Be prepared. Understand the challenges and the rewards. Understand the developmentally appropriate expectations of all triad members. Understand the developmentally appropriate but unrealistic expectations of all triad members (not to discourage but to be prepared and lovingly respectful for any struggles).

Understand that you cannot be replaced — what we have to give our children is ours and first parents can’t take that anymore than we can take from them. Our children simply have bigger families than children who are born to us; that’s all. And like any family, the road isn’t always easy and sometimes relatives in one family get along better than relatives in another. But it’s our kids’ right to figure it out — the good, the bad, the terrible and the sublime.

I am hoping and praying that my friend’s child’s parents come around not just for my friend’s sake and not just for her child’s sake but because she is a gift. They would be lucky to know her and to have her be a part of their lives (not to mention the incredible children she’s raising).

My husband and I adopted our daughter Madison through Adoption by Gentle Care here in Columbus OH. While we haven’t been to any of the family picnics, we have stayed in touch with our social worker (she also regularly reads my blog and I love her).

Recently our social worker and one of the other adoptive family social workers contacted me for help. Gentle Care has been around since 1985, which means that children adopted through their agency are now adults and they’re starting to call and ask how to find their first families.

Ohio law hinders the agency’s ability to share information but they still want to help families reunite. They came to me to ask if Open Adoption Support could help. Of course I said I’d love to.

I’ve created a private group for families who sought services through Gentle Care and are now seeking their children/parents. Gentle Care will refer folks who contact them to the group and they will be able to post on a private forum to find each other.

I am happy to create similar groups for other agencies. How it works is that when people join, they can contact me if they wanted added to a specific reunion group. They can then share specific contact info in that private forum. I am happy to work with agencies/lawyers who are willing to facilitate reunions but are hindered by state laws and are looking for a legal workaround that will allow them to keep their license while offering reunion services to their former clients.

The software that runs this site is sometimes buggy (as members know!) so if there are any problems making these reunion groups work, please let me know! I’ll do my best to fix things up!!! Meanwhile, please let your agencies/attorneys know that Open Adoption Support is happy to host reunion groups! The more families who find each other, the better!!

[cross-posted at OAS]

If you’re an 18-year old (you know, an adult) who wants to put in a request for a court order for your records, you can’t. You have to get your adoptive parents’ permission or wait ’til you’re 21.

If you’re an 18-year old birth sibling (you know, an adult) and want to put in a request to get information on your lost to adoption sibling. You can’t. You have to wait until you’re 21.

That’s called justice around these here in parts. (Here’s the law in all of its glory.)