I don’t really feel one way or another about old Martha because I’m not crafty, I’m not interested in having the best most perfect ice cubes on the block, and I find her new wooden “casual” show much less entertaining than her old bossy one. But anyway, I was watching it because Madison’s cold was making her cough and so I had to held her while she napped to keep her upright and so I was stuck in the rocking chair staring at the television.

This is her “commit to be fit” or “fit to be tied” or “git your ass fit” or some such week where she’s lecturing about what she eats for breakfast and how she does two hours of Ashtanga a day and I’ll admit the bit of bossy, oblivious Martha was amusing me quite a bit. But then this poor woman gets on and they do a moving video of her sad trials as a fat woman who wants to get healthier for her kids and who wants her kids to be healthier, too. The woman has some daunting challenges, however. One is her reliance on convenience foods. Two is her lack of exercise routine. But the biggest — and what plays into both of those things — is that this woman gets up at 6:30am to get to work and doesn’t get home until after 7pm.

Well, now things are getting interesting. I’m looking at this woman’s life, which is making my life look positively leisurely, and I’m thinking that Martha is really going to pull some magic now, isn’t she. I’m waiting for some really useful info because this is Martha and she’s going to give us something original, some Good Thing that really will improve this woman’s life and I can’t wait because I could use a little more healthful living in my own life so I’m just about ready to take notes except for the deadweight of a snoring toddler on my lap.

You want to know what they told this woman? Are you ready? Cook more, exercise more, eat more whole grains. Oh and here’s this magazine subscription, here’s another magazine subscription, here’s a membership to a gym, and here’s a whole spiritual take on connected eating or some such.

You know, that’s good advice. You want to get more fit then I’d say eating right and exercising are the way to go. And when the special guest (some doctor-type) said that one reason they were giving her a subscription to one of the mags was to reset her thinking, I thought that was right on. After all, reading about cooking veggies can help you start adding veggies to your menu, right? But the big piece missing is when in the hell is this woman going to do all this? When is she going to hook up with her new trainer? When is she going to fix these healthful meals for herself and her kids?

It’s like when I was teaching at a daycare and went to a mandated training about handling stress. The leader took us to our “happy space” (the usual suspects: ocean, breeze, sun, etc.) and said that the next time the kids were giving us fits we should go to our happy spaces. Great. But who’s going to watch the class of 21 preschoolers while we’re deep breathing in the supply closet?

That pretty much sums what I think of most of this “improve your life” advice in magazines and magazine-style television. I think that a lot of the time the little bits of information they give us are just more flotsam and becomes more jetsam when we get next month’s issue about decluttering. Here’s a way to declutter: Stop buying the damn magazines. Stop hoarding the tips. Stop thinking, as we are all prone to think, “If I could just figure out how to clear out this junk drawer I might finally have a handle on my life.” You won’t. You’ll mess up some other drawer. Life is messy. Small children are hectic. Twelve hour days are the problem and it’s way bigger than any club membership will solve.

Today Martha gave advice about organizing your pantry.

“Keep your most-used appliances out on your counter,” she advised sagely.*

Cyndi Lauper (whom I adore and why I was tuning in this time) said, “But I don’t have room for that on my counter.”

“You should think about that next time you’re building a kitchen,” answered Martha smoothly.

There you go. No more Martha for me.

(*these are not exact quotes since I am not a human tape recorder)

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