What I’ve learned in a decade of parenting
Jan 29, 2007 Parenting
Since Madison and Noah are so far apart in age (seven years) I find myself with a whole new cohort of parenting peers. Instead of moving on to parenting a school-ager while having a preschooler like most spaced-sibling families, I’ve got a school-ager and a toddler. Unless my friends have more than two kids (kinda rare), I’m hanging with a new set of people at baby gym class, etc.
In Madison’s rec center classes, most of the parents have kids that are younger than Noah (not all but most) and for many of them, the toddler tumbling around is their oldest and so they are fairly new parents. Listening to them really brings it all back to me — the worry, the fretting, the rigidity, the belief that there’s one way to get it right. I remember. But in ten years of parenting Noah and watching my friends parent their kids, I realize that all the things that used to get us worked up just aren’t as important as we thought they were. I hear them discussing the things we discussed with the same earnest conviction and it makes me … tired. I don’t want to live those debates again and I also no longer care whether or not people I like are doing things the way that I think they ought to be done. (In other words, when a woman leans across the child in her lap to speak urgently about the dangers of television I neither feel defensive nor passionate in agreement. I simply don’t care about anyone else’s television choices and I don’t care what they think about mine.)
I also have found (horrors!) that I am very much one of those women who smiles condescendingly and tries not to say, “Wait and see” when someone is telling me that their child will never play computer games/eat fast food/own a Barbie. I try not to be but I can’t help it. (Never say never should be the theme song to parenthood.) I can’t help but raise an eyebrow when a passionate new parent swears s/he will never send their child to school or let them eat refined sugar. Or when they lecture another parent (as I was so happy to lecture) about the proper way to get a child to sleep through the night or learn to pick up his toys.
I hate to say it, but parenting the baby/toddler/preschooler? It’s easy. Well, easier. Why? Because their domain is so totally in your control. Yes, it’s exhausting and physically tedious and certainly a huge challenge but they get bigger and not only do they become more themselves (and less amenable) but also the rest of the world intervenes and suddenly you’re not dealing just with your inlaws, who totally don’t get this whole no refined sugar thing you’ve got going on, but with the birthday parties of friends or the Bratz fad that’s infiltrating the neighborhood. I mean, when they’re preschoolers, you can keep them ignorant or else you can just come down hard and fast. Preschoolers mostly listen because what do they know? But bigger kids? They’ve got opinions and sometimes their opinions are absolutely at odds with yours.
Then there’s this other thing — people with a good kid think they’ve got the key to good parenting. I know this because I thought it myself. Noah’s a pretty good listening kid, a kid who wants to please his parents and who craves structure and I thought that was our superior parenting but the truth is, it’s Noah. He had and has his challenges — not sleeping through the night for the first 3.5 years, an inability to process change well or easily, a tendency to the dramatics — but he’s a pretty easy kid. We’ve parented Madison exactly the same (mostly) and she’s a fireball of loophole seeking and arguments (but also slept through the night much earlier — go figure). We never had to childproof with Noah because one stern shake of the head and he’d immediately back off from whatever it was that held potential danger but Madison has gone out of her way to find the most deadly things in our house and try ‘em on for size. A “no” to her is simply a sign to wait until her parent’s back is turned and then try harder.
I love new parents. I love their shell-shocked pride and out-sized concern. I love their myopic devotion. But it’s exhausting to hang out with them too long; I can’t go back to that. Me and my friends, we were such intense devotees of motherhood. Oh the debates about flaxseed oil! About kindergarten curriculum! About toothbrushing and fluoride and non-punitive discipline! Oh the discussions about the right way to give compliments and the proper way to put a child to bed! And as it turns out? The choices are less important than the values that drive them. When they’re ten, no one can know that you used sun-bleached organic diapers or disposable. You can’t even tell the breastfed babies from the ones who got (in the immortal words of the hard-core online APers) SIN (synthetic infant nutrition). The homebirthed babies who ate nothing but organic for their first years are standing by the soda machine jingling their change. The daughters of feminists are putting on lipgloss; the baby boys who nursed their trucks are wrestling on the gym mat. It’s not that our choices have no impact, it’s just that the impact isn’t always what we expect.
I say this not to be discouraging but to be reassuring. It’s ok to let go of some rigidity — your good kids will be good kids even if you “slip” and let them eat jarred baby food instead of painstakingly steaming that organic potato before you run it through the food grinder. It’s the big picture stuff that matters, not so much the tiny decisions that we fret about. I’m just not all that convinced that baby signs or Ferberizing or infant toilet training are going to matter all that much by the time our kids hit their twenties. It’s more about why we do those things.
So I guess I’d say that in ten years of parenting I’ve learned that you do the things you need to do to get through the day with love and hopefully some laughter, you trust your kids (and yourself), and you let yourself have fun along the way.
January 29th, 2007 at 5:02 pm
Dawn -
I love this. I dont have kids, but might someday and found this SO reassuring.
January 29th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
Dawn, this is such a great post. Thank you.
January 29th, 2007 at 5:38 pm
I love it.
I am finding this out on teeny scale as my toddler moves from mini-stage to mini-stage. And I tremble for the next baby because I know I’ve got an astonishingly easy kid this time around.
The thing about them being in your control when they’re little is so right on. It’s one reason I am so rigid now (others probably wouldn’t consider me rigid, but by my standards I am). I figure I’ve only got so much time to force her to do everything I want and I want to get it all in while I can!
: )
January 29th, 2007 at 5:42 pm
hey, i just popped in off a link from Wordsrocked.
I just had to comment - because our kids are also far apart…8 years. Its a whole different kind of parenting. the funny thing is the kids notice it too. ours talk about it now, luckily we laugh about it too.
its good you have gained such perspective already. that can do nothing but make parenting easier - and more fun.
ours are 26 and 19 - so were done.
whew.
January 29th, 2007 at 8:26 pm
Great post, Dawn.
I don’t know if it’s because I became a mom so late or if it’s just my personality, but I’ve always been kind of like that anyways. One of my main mottos in parenting has been “Pick Your Battles,” and we’ve let a lot of the small stuff go. In fact, we’ve kind of scandalized some friends and family members (*gasp*!) with things like how long Nate stayed in his crib, how long he used a binky, how long he used a bottle, how long it took him to potty train. Me? I always figured he’d get around to that stuff in his good old time, and he DID! In fact, when we did throw the bottles out, my sister-in-law said she had never seen a child make such an easy transition from bottle to cup, and that’s probably because we did wait until he was ready.
Anyways — I so agree with you. Frank and I are totally parenting Nate, but in some ways, I feel like we’re following his lead, personality-wise anyways. When we adopted him, I said to Frank that one of our main jobs was going to be to not mess up or stifle the incredible personality that he came to us with!! I don’t know if I’m saying that well, but anyways . . .
OF COURSE we parent him, discipline him, guide him, etc. We’re the parents; I’m not saying that we’re not. But I think some of the rigidness that’s promoted in some theories would absolutely go against the beauty of our child’s personality, and I don’t care if 20+ parents tell me to do that with my kid, I ain’t gonna do it! You know?!
Well . . . I’ll just say — What Dawn said ^.
January 29th, 2007 at 8:53 pm
I find this very amusing. I am always fascinated to listen to what “new” or “young” parents are saying. A lot of the time I am thinking “phew I dodged that one”! Or “how did I get away with missing that?” My oldest is 15 years older than no. 2 so I think I just plain forgot a lot of it. LOL
The truth is they are so different I might as well think of myself as starting over clean slate. And having two little ones at the same time is a whole ‘nother thing! Some of the dumb things I did with no. 1, that I now think I wouldn’t do with the little ones, didn’t turn out to mess him up so bad so I guess it all evens out, taken with grace.
That he is turning out to be such a fine young man is very encouraging. When he was really little I used to be afraid of when he got to be a teenager. He turned out to be a nice, happy, wonderful teenager. Now when I start to worry about making mistakes with the little ones I try to remember that they can surprise you with how good they turn out, too.
January 29th, 2007 at 9:11 pm
I’m always happy to hear when the teen years turn out ok! Here’s hoping that some of the good teen ju-ju will visit my house!!
January 29th, 2007 at 10:42 pm
Thanks! I think you’re right about the intention behind one’s decisions being what (hopefully) plays out.
Teen years… much more worried about than toddler/preschool.
e
January 29th, 2007 at 11:22 pm
Wow. I followed a link chain and it led me here. You are a gifted writer. I love this post.
January 29th, 2007 at 11:27 pm
Oh, I love this. I just love it. I’ve got a 5 year old and a 6 month old, and this is just what I needed to hear.
January 30th, 2007 at 12:35 am
In sum: there are a whole lot of right ways to do this parenting thing. Good to know that perspective stays the same as kids get older.
I have a 3-y-o, and my mom always tells me to not worry about the things all kids can do when they’re 16 — e.g. use the potty — and concentrate on the things not all kids have when they’re 16, like character and values. I think that’s about right.
January 30th, 2007 at 1:04 am
Excellent, excellent post. I hear it, my sister in the far-spaced siblings world. It’s why I am not involved in play groups at all with Lila. I just don’t have the energy to doubt myself so much in a group like that any more. I’ve gotten to the place where I know for a fact that I love my children, I do the very best that I can with what I have in each moment. Sometimes I’m so stinking tired/hormonal/overworked/underpaid/frustrated that I don’t do so very well by even my own standards. But my kids know that I’m there, that I love them, that I love my life and am doing my best to live it well and consciously. This time around, that’s enough. It’s more than enough. And I just keep chipping away at the fear that I screwed Ty up with all of my intense focus on the right way to do it all…missing the forest for the trees and all that. Oi.
hugs. beautiful post. and again, Happy Happy Little Man!
January 30th, 2007 at 3:24 am
I so love this post. So so much.
January 30th, 2007 at 5:14 am
Well said, Dawn. I’m bookmarking this post for future reference.
January 30th, 2007 at 7:12 am
Wow, this was a great read.
We decided to take the approach of we would do what we could to give Baby R the best future possible without wrecking our lives now. We wanted him to learn to live in the world and to learn to make decisions on his own.
The part about controlling their environment is so true, although we have an infant who likes to challenge us. I think we are in trouble when he gets older.
Thanks for writing this.
January 30th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
My teens - 17 and 15 - are living proof proof of what you say here. They came out “all right” mostly because it’s who they are. And if my husband and I had a role, they did it in spite of, not because of, us.
Great post.
January 30th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
Here’s my theory: I took the opportunity of little babies to re-fret (on a less intense basis) on a lot of these things. And I finally figured out that for me, it had to do with looking forward to these kids for so long that once they got here, I was very anxious to actively parent. And there’s just not a lot of *active* parenting involved in an infant (heh. especially if you’re used to an 8 yr old!). They sleep, they [nurse], they play, you change them, lather rinse repeat. But I wanted to PARENT! I wanted to have IMPACT! So I shopped for useless pretty clothes and put the organic squash in the blender, etc.
But I totally think you’re right. And what I’m really enjoying this time around is getting to do all the anal stuff without the worry that it’s the end of the world if I ’screw it up’.
January 30th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
My kids are 8 and 4. Your post is the exact conversation I have been having with a friend. I am just tired of all the thought, research, energy, philosophical discourse about things that are relatively impossible to know the total impact (television, guns, video games, schooling choices).
I think that by making certain especially time intensive, parent intensive choices (AP parenting, homeschooling, etc..) that we want guarantees for our “investment”. We want to know if we, for example, co-sleep our children will feel secure, attached, will not throw temper tantrums and be perfect, model children.
Additionally, women of my generation have been taught that if you “work hard enough” you will get what you want. So we ~really~ work hard at parenting– lots of baby/ mommy classes, 2 yo soccer classes, baby einstein videos. We work so hard trying to produce a brilliant, social, confident kid. When, in reality, most of those things are pretty dictated by genetics.
At this stage, I really think that loving and learning to truly “be” with my kids is the best parenting. Time is short, there is no guarantee about tomorrow.
January 30th, 2007 at 5:08 pm
Great post. Thanks!
January 30th, 2007 at 5:46 pm
Great post, but I disagree with the statement that Feberizing doesn’t matter in the long run. I’ve known too many people who remember being left alone in their beds to cry as children and who still have trouble falling asleep as adults.
January 30th, 2007 at 6:36 pm
great post.
i am always especially amused when people who are planning on having kids but dont yet have any get very didactic about how things should be done - how they will do thing in the future as opposed to the mom they just saw at the park, or their sister in law or whatever. whenever anyone is judgemental, i get turned off, but here it is especially ridiculous.
January 30th, 2007 at 7:07 pm
This is why I love you, Dawn.
January 30th, 2007 at 8:41 pm
Ack. I don’t think I could even stand to be in the same room with my new-mother-self. Thank god my children survived me!
January 30th, 2007 at 11:20 pm
This is just great. It made us both laugh last night after an intensive, nit-picking discussion about sleep techniques that even bored US half to tears.
January 30th, 2007 at 11:31 pm
As a mother who has jumped ship off the S.S. DoEverythingRight in hopes of finding a raft of survival to the shore, I really appreciate your piece.
As an only child (who happened to be a pretty easy child), I thought that if I do what my mom did with me, all will be well. Well, bullshit.
Kate and I just figure it out together and try to find our laughs along the way.
Thanks for helping me to be okay with that.
January 31st, 2007 at 1:12 am
I had to post. As a mother to 2 children (4.5 yrs apart) I could SO relate to soooo much of this. You articulated it beautifully! I feel reassured—-I don’t love my 2nd less because I don’t get on a soapbox about everything, I’ve just already had the soapbox moments with #1. And I’m tired too!
January 31st, 2007 at 1:55 am
Brillant.
Yes.
January 31st, 2007 at 2:15 am
I’m not sure how I found you, but I just did and I’m really glad. this post really hit home. Very true and honest.
You are a great writer - I probably liked it so much because I completely agree with you!
January 31st, 2007 at 2:49 am
Lovely post Dawn. Very reassuring. And the ‘wait and see’ thing? I even feel that way with new new-parents and Liam is not yet five!
A friend of mine with three children is fond of hoping her single child parent friends will have more, so they can learn the truth - that their kids did/didn’t do X, just because of who they are, and their next kid is likely to be completely different.
Already I am seeing how different Mikaela is going to be to Liam.
And as for the preschool years being easy - I reckon maybe that’s why I’ve found this past year so challenging with Liam: because he is suddenly separating from me so much, learning about all those things I tried to keep out of my house (guns and whatnot) and my control is starting to really slip (and he starts school next week, yikes!).
Mind you, what’s *really* easy is the true baby months - ie pre-mobility. At least with a baby who sleeps and doesn’t cry much, like Mikaela has been. Well, like Mikaela has been since she got over the reflux at about 16 weeks. She is a breeze. But I see a same age baby - 7 months - at Liam’s playgroup who can scooch around on her belly, and I am so grateful that Kaely is not there yet! I reckon every single stage of separation is difficult, and yet each stage brings new ease in other ways. Although like someone else said (maybe it was you), thinking the whole teenage thing coming up one day freaks me out.
January 31st, 2007 at 4:26 am
Just another one adding on here that I loved this post. My kids are 13 and 8 and I can so relate to what you’ve written. Now, I’m looking at parents of older teens+beyond! and hoping I can learn some lessons from their experiences!
Your post really made me smile today.
January 31st, 2007 at 6:51 am
Amen, sister.
Mary, mom to a 19 year old and a 2 year old and 6 others in between
January 31st, 2007 at 6:56 am
While I agree with most of what you wrote, I tend to think of the new parent syndrome as being white knuckling each phase of childhood. I remember feeling that if I could just do x, y, z then Juliet would stay predictable and when she wasn’t predictable, then x, y, z needed to immediately be altered. If part of her behavior wasn’t standard child behavior, I would white knuckle my excuse of why it was still okay and not worrisome.
That being said, especially coming from being a birthmother, and a child from a split dysfunctional household, I think you are a bit off the mark though. While doing x, y, z may not seem to individually make an impact in the grand scheme of things, but they are the building blocks of my child’s future identity. Those first five years are total serious business, study after study shows that.
Anyway, I do agree with you! Being around newbie parents that are gripping on for the ride for dear life are hard to be around. I’m reading my archive as I move it over and I see it oh so clearly in those early blogging years!
January 31st, 2007 at 7:02 am
I just realized that I didn’t really explain what x, y, or z were in my household! ;o)
Things important here:
1. solids introduction and what foods are eating to lessen the huge risk of allergies, asthma and skin irritation.
2. emotional protection of listening and comforting the children through their thoughts
3. protecting who they are and how they are programmed to stop people from thinking that they need to conform to being the perfect somebody if they just changed “this” about them.
4. unconditional love for how unique each child is and helping them recognize that gift
5. gift of fear lessons.
Other than that, the rest is just plain hard work fun. Mr. Rogers is right, play is work for children.
January 31st, 2007 at 7:38 pm
As a freaking-out, neurotic, first-time mom-to-be, I really needed to hear this. Thanks.
February 1st, 2007 at 4:04 am
Oh Dawn you rock! This is an amazing post. No wonder you’re a “reference mama” for me!
February 1st, 2007 at 4:05 am
Yes. Yes. Yes.
I’m a mom of a 18 month old and a 6 year old.
I totally get this. It was a refreshing read.
February 1st, 2007 at 6:56 pm
Great entry. I don’t have kids but have the great priviledge of observing 3 fantastic mothers (all sisters or sister in laws) struggle through being new mothers. It’s crazy how each of these mothers and kids are so different and yet, they are all making through the various stages of development beautifully. I hope to show the same amount of patience, grace, and humorous outlook as you have conveyed as a more mature parent. It actually sounds a whole lot more fun!
February 1st, 2007 at 7:24 pm
Dawn, as a new mom to a 16 month old, I just wanted to say thank you… for this post, and so many others.
February 2nd, 2007 at 12:20 am
Love this!!! Finally, pemission to be human. I am a 1st time Mom & trying to be a Supermom 24/7 IS exhusting.
Thank you!
February 2nd, 2007 at 4:07 am
Thanks, I needed that. I’m a parent of a preschooler, but also an older parent - late start. But I just as easily fall into the traps you speak of. My husband would call it living in the weeds.
Great post!
Melissa
February 2nd, 2007 at 11:28 am
[...] Dawn wrote so eloquently about what she’s learned in a decade of parenting last week and what she said resonated for me. When Ty was born I lived in Park Slope (I know, Gawker’s favorite mothers to mock). I found a La Leche meeting (amen) and out of that grew a mother’s group. We met in each other’s living rooms or in Prospect Park once a week for a snack and to sit around nursing, complaining, laughing and looking for validation. We had opinions. Breast is best, of course. So is organic. And natural fibers. And attachment parenting. And…and…and… Now that I think of it, at least we occasionally softened our sharp edges with a glass of wine. [...]
February 2nd, 2007 at 12:58 pm
This post made me laugh and nod in agreement. My boys are 6 years apart and my youngest has been known to come home from a friend’s and say, “I’m glad I am a youngest child. Parents of oldest children are wound way too tight!” His older brother agrees.
Great post!
February 2nd, 2007 at 5:26 pm
Great read! One of my friends (LL commented above) sent me this! Love it!
February 7th, 2007 at 1:45 am
Oh, thank you. I’m new to the business (my son is a almost 2) and, well, a lot of the hard-line rules I had in place for myself have already gone soft. The best thing to come of it all is the realization that for all that we’ve learned so far, we don’t know that much.
February 13th, 2007 at 3:24 am
Thank you for encapsulating everything that I want my site to reflect. You hit the nail on the head — there’s no such thing as perfect parenting. We’re all just giving it our best shot.
http://www.honestbaby.com
February 24th, 2007 at 7:45 pm
Amen!