I’m having a dilemma.

Do I bring the family to the Nieman Conference or don’t I? Will I have more fun being wild and free but guilt-ridden? Or more fun being hemmed in by family but assured that Madison is not missing me?

Jessica says, “Oh my god! You spend every waking moment with those kids! You deserve a break! Go alone!”

Brett says, “It would certainly help the budget if you went alone but I support whatever decision you make.”

AmericanFamily says, “Are you kidding me?”

Becca (nailing it) says, “I think you will have a better time without them IF you don’t spend the whole time feeling bad about it and missing Madison. If you are going to be miserable without them, bring them.”

Noah says, “Please leave us here so we can eat all the junk food Daddy is going to buy us!” (Really — that’s what he said.)

Madison says, “What’s this called? A pickle? I want my nose wiped!”

I would never have left Noah at 2.5. Never ever ever. Of course Madison is not Noah — Noah couldn’t breathe if I was away for more than two hours. Then again Madison is adopted and maybe she needs me more even if she pretends she’s just fine. Then again Noah wasn’t as bonded to Daddy as Madison is.

Ugh.

It’s three days! And two nights!

Of course, it might be less traumatic for Madison to miss me for two nights (because she’s often so busy running around with Daddy that she only has time to flash me a smile and demand I take her ponytails out now on weekends anyhow) then to be busy in a city where nothing is familiar. I gotta remember that she’s got Daddy here and it’s not like leaving her with — I don’t know — a stranger.

Being more of a Noah, I can remember my mom going on vacation without me when I was about five. I felt:

  1. abandoned
  2. alone
  3. forgotten
  4. broken-hearted
  5. resentful
  6. miserable.

But (again like Noah) I was the kind of kid who would go into the bathroom to watch myself cry and think, “Wow, I am sad! Poor me! Let me think of all the ways I am unloved!” I would be smitten with my own sadness the way other kids might be infatuated with a new toy.

Madison is not like that.

But what if she’s just less in touch with her feelings??? What if she would actually be miserable, suffering, grief-stricken only wouldn’t have the words to say??? Who am I kidding — she’s in touch with her feelings, she’s just not obsessed with them.

I’m leaning towards going alone. But I had nightmares about it last night (and the night before). If I had the time, I would go into the bathroom to watch myself worry. “I am concerned! Look at how concerned I am!”

I know some of you are going to write and tell me it’s ok and I should go (because that’s what everyone in real life is telling me) but that won’t necessarily make me feel better about it because I’m just all neurotic and stuff. And any given minute I’ll just assume that everyone else is cold and unfeeling instead of thoughtful and reasonable. Brett is going to have his hands full until he puts me on that plane, lemme tell you! But I’m leaning — hard — to going alone.

Oh my god. ALONE! A cool, clean bed devoid of cracker crumbs! Adult discussion without interruption! The ability to say, “Oh sure, I can go get a coffee. Let me just grab my bag.”

I’m going to be jittery and wired from all the socializing anyway, being an introvert. Sleep will be hard enough coming down off of that without worrying that Madison is going to fall out of the bed. (I don’t sleep well in hotel rooms with the kids because without Brett on the other side — he sleeps in the other bed with Noah — to hem her in, I’m afraid she’ll crack her head open on the side table or get wedged against the wall.)

Of course, I’m going alone! It would be supremely idiotic not to!

(Brett said, “Will it be better if you call us a lot?” Oh god no. It’ll be worse. I can’t hear her little angelic voice!)

AmericanFamily said to buy a wee little (i.e. cheap) gift for the kids for the two mornings when they wake up and I’m not there so they can see that I did NOT abandon them but also because then they can see how time is passing. (As if Noah needs it but he’ll be in the bathroom watching himself cry if he doesn’t get one, too.) So that’s a good tip. I could use more. (hint hint) But don’t let the tips be like, “Dear god, Dawn! Get a grip!” What are you, my mother? Besides I’ll be calling said mother for a verbal slap (you know, like the give to hysterics) later today. Of course, she is the woman who wantonly went off to a conference without me after five years of full-time motherhood (half of those years parenting three kids under five with a spouse who travled for weeks of a time). Like bringing me along wouldn’t be restful! Sheesh. She could have left Erica and Justin — they were the ones who sucked up all her energy. I — I’m sure — was a delight of a child! A little self-obsessed and moody, perhaps, but a delight!

(Do you think maybe Brett is trying to get me on that plane alone so he can get a break from me? Perish the thought!)

addendum: Thank you for your comments below! I am definitely going to go. I have to especially thank Susan for giving me her perspective as an adoptee, a writer and a mother! And my mom, sure enough, laughed at me (gently) and said I always have taken things too hard.

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