Last night I was thinking about when I’ll be starting the clomid again (Monday) and I realized that the desperate resolution that I usually have at the beginning of a cycle was missing. I wasn’t determined that this upcoming cycle had to be it, must be it, could not be anything but IT. I felt fine either way. I haven’t felt like this since we passed the year mark that put us in the “infertile” category.

I was relaxed the first six months of trying. Totally relaxed. If relaxation has a damn thing to do with infertility, I would have gotten pregnant because I was the Queen of Good Times and Relaxation when it came to trying to have a baby. We had sex, sex was fun, I got my period, and I shrugged it off. It was fine. After about six months, I said, “Well, I’ll start keeping track of my cycles a bit.” I circled the day I got my period on my calendar and glanced at my cervical fluid now and then. Still, totally relaxed.

Nothing happened.

When we passed the year mark, I reluctantly faced the fact that this might take a bit more effort. I wasn’t ready to start the temperature charts again but we did start being more diligent about having sex on the appropriate days.

Still nothing happened.

After about 17 months, I finally went to see my midwife and asked for a referral to an infertility specialist. That’s when we started getting tense. Boy, have things been tense.

As infertile men and women around the world will tell you, stress doesn’t cause infertility; infertility causes stress.

So last night I thought, “If I don’t have another baby, what would I do instead?” Hmmmm. What would I do?

There are a lot of great things about having only one child. The biggest luxury is time. I have time for Noah, I have time for myself, and I have time for Brett. I don’t feel pulled apart by the needs of my children and I can settle my mind on Noah without feeling like I’m forgetting somebody else. I’m pretty sure that I would have liked having two kids closer together but you know what? I really like having my family just like this, too.

My guilt ñ huge, nauseating, overwhelming guilt ñ has been because of what I can’t give Noah, namely a sibling. But Noah doesn’t want a sibling. He has never wanted a sibling. He has never asked for a little brother or sister. When Noah was two he said, “One house, one baby! That’s gonna be it, that’s all!” He has never wavered. He says he doesn’t want another baby in the house because then I will have less time for him. He says that the house is too small. He says that things are fine the way they are.

One day he said, “I feel bad for Peanut because she can’t have babies.” I said, jokingly, “What about your old mom, why don’t you feel bad for me since I can’t have babies?” He answered, “I do feel bad for you. I’m happy for *me* but I’m sad for you.”

If he’s happy for him, why can’t I be happy for him?

I’m not ready to give up hope about having another kid. I know that even though I’m feeling ok now I will very likely still have bad days. That’s the thing about epiphanies; they’re transient and very dependent upon their surroundings. Sure, I feel great now but let my sister get pregnant (and she will, god willing) or put me in the middle of a baby shower or near one of my kind-hearted friends with babies in their arms who pity me and look at me with their sad maternal eyes and all that pain will come rearing up again. However now I have a new mantra: What will I do instead? What books might I write? What adventures will I have? It’s hard for people in baby mode to see, but those of you with bigger kids know exactly what I’m looking at right now. Noah is 5 1/2. Even with home schooling on the horizon, there’s a lot of freedom in my future if there isn’t another baby on its way. having another baby would be wonderful but what would I do instead?

Life is hard and it can be painful but life is good, too. I will continue my treatment plan but I’m expanding my mindset. I am figuring things out.

p.s. If after this little monologue I get pregnant and anyone even dares to think, “Oh it’s because she finally let go and relaxed,” I will personally do my best to call down the wrath of god on that person’s ignorant little head.

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