The Plan
So here’s our infertility plan:
We’re doing an IUI, probably this weekend. We’re paying for it in full because we don’t want to blow this month’s clomid hell. Happily, this will probably be the last time I ever take clomid (it’s my 4th cycle). I really don’t think it will work because nothing has worked so far and I’ve gotten into the habit of assuming that things won’t work. I know that sounds pessimistic but I’m not gloomy about it at all.
Anyway, if I’m right and the IUI doesn’t work, we’re taking a good long time off from aggressive TTC. We’ll explore insurance options until then and also discuss how far we’re willing to go treatment-wise.
I know that IVF is not something I want to do. I know that I don’t want to be faced with selective reduction or what to do with frozen embryos. I’m not comfortable with any of that, personally, and so it’s very possible that this — clomid with an IUI — is the end of the line for us. I’m looking into the other fertility drugs but because they increase your chance of multiples (and while twins would be dandy anything more would, I think, be risky and unfair), they don’t look very appealing to us right now.
My mother and sister have both been wonderful as we’ve tried to figure this out. They both think that having an only child is a valid, responsible choice and they both feel that Noah is an ideal only child. My mom says that if I had been able to have another baby when I wanted one, she doesn’t really think it would have benefitted Noah. I think that, too, but wasn’t sure if it was just sour grapes or what.
Anyway, there’s a lot I would like to do. I want to write this book, I want to go back to school to get my masters and eventually my PhD in marriage and family therapy (although if I was writing a lot, I’d likely be less interested in school), I want to continue running and build up my strength so that I could maybe eventually run a race with Brett. I’m excited about homeschooling Noah and getting out there in the world more, too.
I’m not quite ready to get rid of baby things yet but I’m thinking about that more. For example, Noah never plays with his wooden kitchen set and I might put it in storage.
It’s mostly a mindset change. I know that I’ll have bad days but, as my mom pointed out, I was so focused on getting pregnant that I kind of lost perspective.
My infertility group has been reluctantly supportive. Some of them feel that I’m giving up too easily. The assumption is that because I’ve reached my tolerance for treatment so soon is that I must not want a baby as badly as they do. In fact, I do want a baby pretty badly but I have ethical problems with some treatment. I am staunchly, wildly pro-choice and so I would never, ever, ever try to limit another woman’s access to the treatment that I will not do — I want to make that clear. My decisions and feelings are very personal.
One of the women on my list has had multiple miscarriages — about twice as many as I have. I was feeling frustrated by the other members’ assumption that all I had to do was X treatment and then I’d be pregnant. I said that I don’t have a lot of faith in infertility treatments; I know plenty of women who have gone to enormous lengths to have a baby and weren’t able to. Anyway, this other woman pointed out that my pessimism may have to do with my history of recurrent miscarriage. When I read this, I started to cry and realized it was true. In my experience, pregnancy doesn’t mean you get a baby. So first there’s the hurdle of getting pregnant and then there’s a hurdle of *staying* pregnant, and then (because I’ve read so many sad stories) there’s the hurdle of giving birth to a live baby.
Oh jeez, that anxiety… I hated it. It was difficult for me to enjoy my pregnancy with Noah because of the two early misses I had before him. And then that first year of worrying about SIDS. Disaster always seemed to be looming. Ughhh, recurrent miscarriage messes with your mind.
(((Dawn)))
(((((DAWN))))) We’re in very similar places around these things…for me its 3 miscarriages 2 kids 7 years apart, and Arrow implanted and decided to STAY the day after we dedicated ourselves to stopping trying and going the international adoption route. I’ll think good thoughts for you
I am going through the same problem. I have a perfectly healthy 5 year old and three years ago I started trying to get preganant with my second child. I wanted a big family and I thought it would be easy - like it was before. I tried for over a year and finally became pregnant. I found out I was pregant on Wednesday and my father past away unexpectedly that Saturday. I was devestated, but I kept my sanity “for the baby”. Six weeks later I found out I had miscarried. Again - I found away to get through my loss. Currently I have been trying again now for about a year and a half and I have had no luck. I am currently taking Clomid (I am on the first cycle.) and I have had no luck ovulating. I am frustrated, madd, upset, depressed, and every other emotion that I can think of. I feel like I am letting my husband down because we always wanted a large family. I also feel like I have let my son down because he wants a sibling. But most of all my body is letting me down. It’s denying me of what I want more than anything. This has been an emotional rollercoaster that I can’t seem to let myself get off of. It’s like I want to give up - but my heart won’t let me. Thanks for sharing your story and allowing me to “unload” my story.
Becky