For those of you currently struggling to build your family through fertility treatments, does it suck to read my blog? Be honest. I won’t be mad if you say yes because I wouldn’t have wanted to read me two years ago.

When I was still seeking treatment, I did NOT want to read about people who adopted. One reason is that I only wanted to read about people who got pregnant using whatever treatment I myself was using. That meant clomid when we were using clomid, herbs when we were using herbs. Anything else depressed and/or scared me. Adoption, at that time, was the last possible option and I didn’t want to get to the end of the road. Also I have to admit that when I heard about people who adopted, I’d think, “Sell out. Caved to the pressure, eh?”

There are still some people who write and tell me that they think I could get pregnant. They say it like they’re handing me a present. I imagine this will happen less and less as Madison’s presence becomes sturdier. It’s strange to think that in awhile people will forget she came to us by an unusual route. It’s not like every entry about her will say, “My adopted child” or even “my child whose color is somewhat darker than the rest of our family.” I mean, she’ll just be my kid.

It’s weird to have crossed over. I don’t quite feel like a mom with two kids yet. Last night, I was watching them sleeping and thought how strange it was to have two kids, to be a family of four. When did that happen? How did that happen? I still can’t really believe that it’s true.

J. and I were discussing our different reasons for being nervous about the upcoming first visit and I was saying that when Madison is three, we’ll be really good at this because we’ll have worked out the bugs. And then I think that when she’s three maybe I’ll really believe that she’s here to stay, a permanent part of our family and how that will be.

I wanted to take some pictures today but I can’t remember where I put the camera. Hopefully I’ll find it tonight. We need some pictures of me with her but I’m always the one shooting so I haven’t been in any yet. Well, except for the blurry one Noah took of me in my pajamas and my mouth hanging open because I’m saying, “Noah! Don’t take my picture when I look like this!”

Edited to add: I lost track of what I wanted to say in here but basically, I understand if people who used to read me need to not read me for awhile or forever. I used to feel kinda guilty when I’d have to quit reading someone who was once a fellow infertile but now had a baby or two. Especially difficult was the once infertile with a surprise second pregnancy. So listen, if you need to drop me from your blogroll because you don’t have the emotional energy for Madison stories, please know that I respect that and totally understand.

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