I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative. I’m not sure how many days post ovulation I am. I had the hCG shot on Friday the 12th, which means I either ovulated the next day or the day after. I suppose it’s possible that it’s too early for the test to register but I used a really sensitive test. Brett thought he saw a line but he couldn’t show it to me so I think he was seeing things.

I’m having a really difficult time keeping my spirits up. When it gets down to the wire like this, the tension makes me crazy. I get anticipatory depression. It’s not just the negative test either; at the end of the cycle it’s always like this whether I test or not.

My sister will probably start trying for her second in the next few months. We were talking on my infertility list about having deadlines. For example, we’ll say to ourselves, as long as I get pregnant by [insert event or date here], then it’ll all be ok. I’ve missed a lot of deadlines. Like wanting to be pregnant before Noah turned five and before Brett’s cousin delivered (for the record, she delivered, got pregnant again, delivered, got pregnant again and is due to deliver her fourth child next month so you can see how badly I missed *that* one). A very big deadline has been my sister getting pregnant.

My sister dealt with infertility, too. She tried for either four or five years (she changes that number and that makes sense because there’s deliberate trying and then there’s tossing the birth control and seeing what happens and then there’s forgetting the condom now and then - it’s a continuum) and finally got Frankie after treatment. When Noah was about to turn two and she still wasn’t pregnant, Brett and I were thinking about trying again and my mom said that she wished we wouldn’t. She said Noah was so young (true) and it would cause Erica such pain (true again). So we put it off. I really really wanted to be having a baby then but I felt so conflicted that it wasn’t until November (Noah’s 2nd birthday was the January previous) that we decided to go for it. Luckily, Erica got pregnant that month and announced it in early December. I remember thinking, “Oh I hope I don’t get pregnant too soon; I’d hate to steal any of her thunder!” Be careful what you wish for.

It bothers me that because I let Erica’s infertility impact *my* family planning that a part of me expects the same of her. It’s a tiny little selfish part of me but it makes a lot of noise in my head for being so small.

What brought this all up for me was Erica saying, “Can you believe so-and-so is having a new baby? My god, her oldest is already seven!” She was saying it in disgust. And I said, “Well, I’m only about a year away from that being my reality.” I started telling her that once Noah turned five, this all became sort of second best for me. I wanted my kids less than five years apart and now I’ll be lucky if they’re less than seven years apart. I have tremendous grief over this because it is *not* what I wanted. This was not my life plan. I know that may sound selfish but I’m sure that you’ve all suffered some tremendous disappointment and can understand this grief. I am so so sorry that I have failed in giving Noah a sibling that will be closer in age. I am *praying* that however far apart they are, that it will be ok for them both but I am still very, very sad. Anyway, she said (trying to comfort me), “Well, think how bad it is for me. I’ll probably get pregnant right away and have them *too* close together.”

Umm, I get that she was trying to be nice but really, Frankie’s going to be two. That’s right when we wanted to start trying. I would have been *thrilled* to have them that close together even if it meant two in diapers, tandem nursing, etc. Hell, that may be hard in the beginning but it’s a pretty short time and then you’ve got two nicely spaced kids. And that’s what got me to thinking about how I wish she didn’t want to start trying either. Then I made the really selfish mistake of telling her that we put off trying for a year because of her infertility and that I wish I’d had that year back because maybe something would have happened by now. What in the hell did I think I was doing blaming her like that? That was a really shitty thing to do.

Infertility causes lots of selfish, awful thinking. I know that every infertile woman goes through it because I’ve hung out with enough of us online to know I’m not alone. I don’t have a problem with selfish feelings as long as they remain feelings but I let that one out of my head and into somebody else’s life. I tried to backtrack but there’s not a lot you can do when it’s already out.

God I feel like shit. I sure wish that test this morning had been positive.

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