A scare
May 20, 2003 Infertility
Whenever there’s an event in my life that I want to work out in words, I go to my blog and hammer on it for awhile. I don’t know why this is more effective than doing it in a private journal but I think having an audience makes me more motivated to try to get it right. Not that I always do but I try and that makes a significant difference in how I feel after I’ve written it down.
This weekend I had a dream that I took a pregnancy test and that it was positive. In fact, it was so positive that the three tests below it (because in this dream pregnancy tests were on slips of paper) were all positive, too. When I woke up, I realized that my period was late.
Now you may think that I got all excited and hopeful but in fact, I was more than a little horrified. Really. I was angry. Here I’ve worked so hard to be ok with having one bio-child and I’m already falling in love with our to-be-adopted child and I realized that I don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t. I really don’t.
I started thinking about my friend who has lost two babies in the second trimester and I thought about how my anxiety would likely not allow me to enjoy a pregnancy. I thought about the hell of just getting past the first trimester with my history of miscarriage. I got angry to think that if I was pregnant, we would have to responsibly put aside our plans to attend the adoption training in June and how I would probably miscarry anyway and then would have to wait until fall to get back in with the agency. I thought yet again about how the birthing options here in Cowtown are less than ideal.
I was surprised to discover that a positive test would not be a happy event for me. Sure, I would be thrilled to have another bio child (one with Pooh Bear brown eyes just like Brett’s) but I have for the most part resolved my infertility and while I imagine I will also have pangs of grief almost out of habit, I am so excited by this new possibility of adoption. I want to adopt. I sat there waiting for Brett to come home with a pregnancy test thinking that if I was pregnant, I would have to start the whole mourning process again, this time for the child we meant to adopt.
As it turns out, the test was negative. Negative! I’m not pregnant! I can adopt!
I never imagined I would be happy to have a negative test and it feels strange. I’m not jumping up and down happy but I am relieved.
May 20th, 2003 at 7:03 pm
Yay, you’re back!
Hmmm…what an interesting situation! I think I totally understand your stance, though, and I’m glad that it’ll all be working out the way you had hoped after all!
May 21st, 2003 at 12:58 am
Wow. It seems like you have pretty much resolved the grief over your miscarriages and infertility and have joyfully embraced your future adoption. I’m so happy for you. Now you have to worry about birth control, though, LOL.
May 21st, 2003 at 1:22 am
Yay…blog resusitation…gotta love it!LOL
Infertility sure does screw w/ us…one way or the other…if this time around it doesn’t work for us again and if we decide not to pursue IVF, and if we decide not to adopt again or do adopt again I want to eventually get to a point where I’m ok w/ it…I’ll probably get pregnant then and be pissed off that it didn’t happen when I had the most energy and desire to deal with one!LOL
May 21st, 2003 at 4:15 pm
First, welcome back.
I think it’s wonderful that you’ve been able to reach this point in your infertility journey. I worry that, when we make the final decision to adopt, I’ll still be hoping in the back of my heart, hidden away somewhere, that we’ll still get pregnant by some miracle. Your resolution is admirable, and enviable.