Being a bystander
May 19, 2008 Friends
When I was about thirteen the little girl who lived across the street told my mother that her parents were abusing her. She was about eleven and had grown up in foster care so it is true that at some point in her life she’d experienced horrific abuse and neglect. What was not true was that she was experiencing it when she asked my mom for help. My mother knew that her story – that she was only allowed to eat the food scraped into the garbage disposal – was probably not true but my mother called child protective services anyway. First she invited the neighbor girl to spend the night and then she called CPS. When the report turned out to be unwarranted, she apologized to the family but said she hoped they understood why she called. She wasn’t taking any chances, my mom explained, because no one called when she was a child and so the abuse continued.
Our chances of being saved from dire straits through the intervention of another person go down as more people become involved. That’s the lesson of Kitty Genovese. Instead of making a call to CPS, most of us would ask a friend first. “What should I do?”
My mom was brave to take in the neighbor girl and make the call. She also didn’t have any friends in the neighborhood to consult with first — no one to give advice or make her doubt herself. It’s ironic that if my mother had had more support that she might not have acted. The act (reaching out to protect a child) is morally separate from the results (an embarrassed and loving family forced to defend themselves to the state). But if she’d had more friends to talk to, they might have focused on the imagined results and talked my mom out of acting. I don’t know. I can’t ever know.
It’s less clear if there is no one saying, “Help me.” It’s hard to know what to do when you can see that there is something not quite right but there is a lot of noise in the way distorting the situation. I keep talking to people who know about as much as I do and who are just as conflicted and we all keep talking ourselves in and out of action. We keep looking for an opening because we don’t want to press. We keep, reluctantly, hoping for a crisis so that we know, yes, the situation demands our intervention.
Mostly we talk because talking almost feels like action. Analyzing every little thing seems a little bit like figuring out what to do next. Only it’s not and instead it feels like we are more mired than ever in doing nothing.
I’m frustrated. And sad. And angry at myself.
Maybe I’m too hung up on results. I want the outcome to be a certain way (where help is accepted, where the truth comes out, where change is made) and I know from past experience with this situation that I’m likely going to be as frustrated after as I am now. I also know that the situation is murky and that it could be argued that our concerned take on things is more about our values than about any moral truth. We all know we intervene if a child is eating out of the garbage disposal. What if there is no child and no garbage disposal?
Argh.
May 19th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Oh man, that’s a tough one. I know I am the sort who hesitates and second-guesses myself and my gut feelings too much when it comes to intervening–luckily so far that’s only involved pets left outside too long and that sort of thing, not other humans, but still. It’s very hard to know the right thing to do. I’m afraid I’m of no help here.
May 19th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Sending good thoughts and empathy for being in this tough place and not knowing where to go next. One question: Would you feel sad and angry at yourself if you did intervene and the results weren’t what you hope for? How does that imagined sadness and anger compare to the ones you feel now?
Sigh, I also don’t feel like I’m much help.
May 19th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
These things never turn out the way we want them to. It’s hard to face and it’s hard to stop talking about intervening. The only thing you can really do when it’s a values thing, is protect yourself and your own kids. *sigh* It’s not very satisfying.
May 19th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
What a tough place to be in. I used to feel responsible for people (not sure if that makes sense) and it has been only in the past few years that I’ve relinquished that responsibility (in my mind) and allowed people (family/friends) to suffer the consequence of their own choices (some have turned out to be good and I’ve been glad I haven’t meddled whereas some turn out to be bad and I feel renewed guilt for now helping) without me feeling like I was supposed to “fix it,” but I’m not always consistent…still…hard to know when or if we even should intervene when things are not crystal clear and/or the person is not asking for help. Hope it works out. hugs.
BTW, I don’t include obvious things like abuse or dangerous situations in the above….w/ those I just call the appropriate authorities and feel no guilt whatsoever in letting them sort it out…better safe than sorry.
May 19th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Meg, that’s a good way to think about it. (Divorcing my feelings from the results.) Thanks!
May 19th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
I made a call when I simply could not stand by any longer. I then became embroiled in one hell of a he said/she said mess, but I KNEW from multiple sources that the caretaker was unsafe. The outcome was not as clear-cut as I would have liked, but I know that, if nothing else, that adult (as well as the people around him who suspected but did nothing) was on alert for ever after that his behavior was no longer a secret.
I agree - the results from what you chose to do cannot be managed; you just do whatever you have to, anyway. Much good luck!
May 19th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
No abuse issues here though. I shouldn’t have used that example.
May 19th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Dawn, I feel compelled to once again tell you how I *really admire* your way of bringing to air the /complex/ issues that isn’t so easy to talk about. You definitely put the writing skill you’re blessed with to use in brave ways.
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Mostly we talk because talking almost feels like action. Analyzing every little thing seems a little bit like figuring out what to do next.
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omg, bang on and insightful. Now that you say this explicitly, I know I totally relate to this.
May 20th, 2008 at 6:21 am
You know-abuse is abuse no matter how subtle. And denial adds to it all! But would I have the guts to say something? Hmmm now thats another thing. There was once a boy in my class that I never called on and I still wonder. But unless I was pretty certain ..I don’t know. But talking about it seems to at least heighten awareness. Tough call