What Dirt said
Sep 13, 2002 Family
Dirt said:
I’m really interested in understanding the justifications that people make for their ill treatment of their stepchildren because I find it strange that people who are dedicated to attachment parenting, gentle parenting, positive parenting, homeschooling - whatever form of conscious parenting it might be - with their biological offspring, can’t extend the same kind of sensitivity to their stepchildren and the kids father. Because I think its through those justifications we can get to whether its societal or biological when it happens.
I have to say that I, too, have always been surprised by the way otherwise sensitive parents could be neglectful (even hostile) towards their stepkids.
I’m in my dad’s second family. He has a daughter from his first marriage who is 8 years older than me. I don’t know her at all. He has two children from his third marriage and is now divorced again. He has only been a father to the last two kids. (They’re 18 and 15; there’s 25 years between his first and last kid.) I’ve been on both sides of the fence, I guess. I asked my mom about this issue and she said that once she had her own children, it seemed like my dad’s first daughter was taking from her own babies. This was compounded by the fact that they (my mom and half-siser) were never able to build their own relationship for a variety of reasons. My father ended up allowing her stepdad to adopt her when she was 8 or 9. They have a relationship now but I hesitate to say whether or not it’s a good one. Strained would be an understatement. She lives across the country from me and I haven’t seen her since I was 14. Sadly, I forget that she exists most of the time.
My own stepmom was never an “evil” stepmom but she never liked us either. I don’t blame her, I blame my father. It may have been her pushing him not to honor his agreement to help the three of us with college (I don’t know, really) but even if she did, he’s the one who kept his checkbook in his pocket. He’s the one who wouldn’t pay my mom the back medical he owed her. He’s the one who blew us off for his new family.
I have no insight into this but wanted to comment on Dirt’s post only she ain’t got no comments.
September 14th, 2002 at 9:37 pm
I’m sort of on the other side of the fence. I’m technically a stepmom, but I am definitely not a stepMOM. For reasons I won’t get into online out of respect for dh and his son, I have spent a total of maybe 5 hours with his son. It’s really hard, knowing the way that we live and how happy he might be with us, not getting the opportunity to know him. It sucks to be on either side of the fence, I guess.
September 15th, 2002 at 11:23 pm
It is very interesting to hear your side of the fence. Since I have always had ill feelings about your dad for years. I have always found him to be insensitive to the needs of others, especially woman. And this is quite a sad state to be in since he has 6 children 5 of which are woman as you know all toooo well. I am luck to have a stepmom that is caring but doesn’t try to mother me since we are only 6 years apart in age. I have a half sister who is 28 years younger than me. However she does know who I am and our brother.
September 16th, 2002 at 1:54 am
I vote for the biological explanation. From what I’ve read, animal step-fathers frequently kill the existing offspring of their new mates. This has the effect of him not putting any energy into raising another male’s offspring and preparing the mother to put all her energy into his offspring. Some recent news accounts of murders of offspring by mom’s new boyfriend have made me think this may be an instinctual pattern followed by humans as well.
I am a step-daughter who had a father who scorned me and refused me any encouragement and support. However, from what I’ve learned as an adult, I feel grateful that I wasn’t physically or sexually abused by my step-father as happens to many step-daughters.