Dropping by to say
22Nov2005 Filed under: Family Author: DawnJessy asked if Whitney (the myspace sister in the post below) is a half-sister and yes, she is. I have an older half-sister from my dad’s first marriage, an older sister and younger brother from my dad’s second marriage, and two half-sisters from his last marriage.
I barely know my oldest half-sister. My dad and her mom divorced when she was very young and he wasn’t very involved (understatement) in raising her. We also lived out of state for all but three or four years of her life.
My youngest half-sisters were born when I was 14 and 16, which was also (coincidentally? I think not!) when my relationship with my dad started to fall apart. Also there was a period in my late teens when I wasn’t speaking to him at all so I was not close to them. My older (full) sister is because she made a concentrated effort to be there — she remembered what it felt like to have a half-sister who couldn’t be around.
I think of my older sister and my younger brother as my family. My younger half-sisters feel something like cousins and my older half-sister, unfortunately, doesn’t come into my thoughts much at all. Sometimes it can still be difficult to be around my little sisters, too, because my father was present in their lives in a way he decidedly was NOT for us. He would never ever ever admit this even to himself but his last two children are more his than any of us who came before. It’s not that he doesn’t love us; he just wasn’t around. He didn’t change diapers. He didn’t come to school plays. He wasn’t there. (He traveled a lot for work.) He bonded to Lindsay and Whitney and they are much, much closer to him. Sometimes in my very smallest self, I’m still jealous of them for that.
I think it can be different, of course. I think the situation surrounding our divorce and my dad’s parenting brought challenges that aren’t universal. I don’t think anyone could extrapolate from my experience to say anything definitive about what it’s like to have half-siblings. (And remember, too, these are my dad’s kids and we didn’t live with him. I think it would be very different if your custodial parent had children and different in a good way.)
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About Me
I have two kids and a delightfully odd husband, Brett. My children are Noah (born to us in 1997) and Madison (born to her first mom, Pennie, in 2004 and brought to our family through a domestic, open adoption). They are my inspiration and also the reason I don't get more done around here.
I'm a writer and sometimes I get published, which is a nice thing. I write for joy, I write for money and when I'm very lucky, both things happen at the same time. My work appears in national publications including Yoga Journal, Disney's Family.com, Utne, Wondertime, Brain Child and Salon. Currently I am working on a book about my daughter's adoption and seeking representation for the proposal. I also own Smart Cookie Communications with my husband.
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Jackie
November 23rd, 2005 at 9:43 am
I’m often jealous of my younger half-brother for the same reason– it hurts me even now to see how much more connected my dad is to his life– it even hurts me sometimes to think that my dad’s more connected to my daughters than he was to me at their age. It’s one of those things I’m trying to overcome and work through, but sometimes it still stings.
Kim
November 23rd, 2005 at 10:52 am
I have a half-brother and two half-sisters from my father’s 2nd and 3rd marriages, and a half-brother from my mother’s second marriage. I’ve never spoken to the youngest two, who I suppose are teenagers now, and I briefly exchanged letters with the older one when she was in college. I think she’s about 28 now. My mother’s son, on the other hand, is my brother in every way. I’m 13 years older, but he grew up with me in the house as his sister. He lives with me now, as a matter of fact, because he wanted to go to school in NYC and couldn’t afford to live here on his own.
I can honestly say that I’m not jealous of my father’s other kids for getting to spend more time with him than I did. In fact, I fear for them. He was sexually abusive with me on two occasions when I visited him, and so I’m grateful for not living with him. I often think of my two sisters and wonder if they suffered such abuse, but on a more regular basis. I do know that the older one got pregnant in her late teens, and he forced her into allowing friends of his to adopt the baby, even though she wasn’t she wanted to do that. I sometimes wonder if he was the reason she ended up pregnant.
Meagan
November 23rd, 2005 at 12:37 pm
I have a half-sister from my dad’s third marriage. She’s a few months younger than Jacob and feels like a niece to me, which is not to say I don’t feel close to her, but it’s not a sisterly closeness. She plays with my kids.
I’m not jealous of the time she gets with my dad though he does let her get away with murder, and all my siblings and I laugh about how different her life is than ours was (she is very pampered and sheltered!) But, I do feel like his having another child so late in the game took away from the relationship he would have had with his grandkids–I don’t think he really has much use for his grandkids now that he’s got a young daughter of his own, which is sort of sad for them.
Jessy
November 23rd, 2005 at 9:44 pm
Dawn, and everyone - thanks for sharing these stories. It doesn’t sound very encouraging, then … for it seems the only way our kids would feel like true siblings to his other kids is if they lived with us full-time, and they don’t. Maybe “niece” or “cousin” is the best I can hope for.
Jessy
November 23rd, 2005 at 9:47 pm
PS: Dawn: that Raggedy Ann story broke my heart. That is just so wrong on many different levels. Making a child give up her beloved toys to a new baby …. that’s a reciepe for resentment, half sibling or not. And then not even to give her back to you … I’m stunned.