this woman’s work

I’m sitting at the kitchen table waiting for my appointment to show up (I’m meeting them here instead of down in the dark, dank office) and feeling exhausted but accomplished. Half the travel laundry is done (my clothes and Madison’s clothes) and mine is hanging out to dry. I got some new skirts for me at the Hanna outlet — finally found some above the knee so I can look like I actually live in the new millennium — and they’re swinging in the wind, too. The kids are roller skating.

I am very very very tired. Madison celebrated the homecoming by wetting the bed. This is the downside of the family bed seeing as how she was rammed into my back when she did it. We all needed changing after that. So we’re humming on about five hours of sleep but Noah got the full eight so he’s chipper and patient with us.

I’m trying to make some work decisions but am feeling too addled to make sense of it. It’s sort of this platform struggle where I’m trying to figure out how much energy to throw that way and how much energy to spend on other things. Truth is, I came back from this trip pretty discouraged.

I’m not sure why this is although I have some theories. Surely part of it is that I was hoping to have my income more settled a year into freelancing and while my income has grown, it hasn’t settled. I’m still chasing clients (although not as much) and I’m still chasing checks (because not every client chooses to pay on time). I wanted to have a bigger safety net and for that I need a bigger income.

Brett’s brothers (and his little brother’s wife — the one we stayed with) are in similar straits since none of them have employers; they all work for themselves. A heady dinner topic on our trip was “So what are you doing about health insurance?”

I think I need to make a more concentrated effort to pay attention to the creative side of my career. It’s been neglected as of late because I’m afraid to take too much time away from the commercial side of things. I think I need to get over that and let things lie for a bit since I’m getting burned out. After all, one of the reasons I wanted to do things this way is that I need a job where I can change-up as needed.

I’ve been reading about INFPs and jobs ‘cuz I find it reassuring and validating. Like why I get so angst-y about some of my clients (wondering if I’m selling out and gnashing my teeth about it) and why I feel conflicted about making money and why I crumple up into a little ball when I think about all the self-promotion a gal needs to do to get ahead these days and why I have the attention span of a gnat. If you read it, you can also appreciate some of the whys and wherefores of my blogging (every bit of it resonates from the need for meaning to the need for recognition — but not too much — and the disorganization):

At work, INFPs contribute their creativity, their value system, and their ability to work with others. They are able to see the larger picture and how specific programs fit in. They do not dwell on the trivialities or the details. Their job must be fun, although not raucous, and it must be meaningful to them. They need a strong purpose in their work. They want to be recognized and valued, without undue attention given to them. They may become embarrassed when make the center of attention. As a result, they may undersell their strengths in order to avoid being singled out and made to feel conspicuous. They would rather have their worth be noticed gradually over time.

INFPs like to work with cooperative people committed to the same values that they are. They can become bothered when they see others working at cross purposes, especially when conflict is overt. They do not like competition or bureaucracy. They need privacy. Calm and quiet appeal to them, as does time and space for reflection. People usually like working with INFPs even though they may not know them well.

INFPs are quite disorganized. But when tasks at hand are important and best done in an organized way, INFPs strive to do so. Practicality is not a driving force for INFPs. Things that traditionally belong together may not be placed together because the INFP does not see it as necessary. They have trouble finishing what they start because of their perfectionistic nature. When they do finish a project, they may not consider it done ‘for good.’ Projects can always be improved upon, revised, and reworked, and therefore INFPs find it hard to bring tasks to closure. Because they are able to visualize the finished product long before it is done, the actual completion is of less importance.

INFPs prefer occupations in which they can be involved in making the world better. Having their heart in their work is important to them. These occupations also allow for an element of creativity and flexibility. INFPs are particularly interested to be counselor, editor, education consultant, English teacher, fine arts teacher, journalist, psychologist, religious educator, social scientist, social worker, teacher, writer, and other occupations that engage their values.

and

At work, INFPs are adaptable, welcome new ideas and new information, are well aware of people and their feelings, and relate well to most, albeit with some psychological distance. INFPs dislike telephone interruptions and work well alone, as well as with others. They are patient with complicated situations, but impatient with routine details. They can make errors of fact, but seldom of values. Their career choices may be toward the ministry, missionary work, college teaching, psychiatry, architecture, psychology-and away from business. They seem willing and usually are able to apply themselves scholastically to gain the necessary training for professional work, often doing better in college than in high school. They have a natural interest in scholarly activities and demonstrate, as do the other NF’s, a remarkable facility for languages. Often they hear a calling to go forth into the world to help others; they seem willing to make the necessary personal sacrifices involved in responding to that call, even if it means asking others to do likewise. INFPs can make outstanding novelists and character actors, for they are able to efface their own personalities in their portrayal of a character in a way other types cannot.

from INFP the Dreamer

I got to be a judge at Power of the Pen again this year, which is a nice way to spend a rainy, dreary Saturday. There were fewer judges this time around because the date was moved due to last week’s blizzard so there were two of us judging each grade. That meant that each team read around 50 pieces across three prompts. This is how it works: The kids get a prompt and forty minutes to write to it. Within each group, judges choose the top one or two and send them on to us. There are seventeen groups so we get 17 to 34 stories to judge and we choose the best one. (It’s more complicated than that but that’s the gist of it.)

There are lots of awards I don’t understand but the award we judge is kind of a best in show. Those essays go on to compete, I believe, at the state level. The kids are all part of school teams so there are team awards and individual awards.

Reading the essays is a lot of fun although it can be a little tiring. By the end of the day, we were all pretty punchy. The best part is handing out the awards because there’s a lot of screaming and cheering and jumping up and down. I can’t help but get  choked up and my face hurts from smiling so hard. When it comes to being a writing middle schooler, a little recognition goes a long way.

I want to see about starting a homeschool team only I’m not sure if I have time to lead it. It’d be fun though.

Because Julia decided I was worth $10.46 (the cost of the book plus shipping), I’m reading The Tipping Point and loving it even though I’m years late to the party. (Soc major interested in marketing and social relationships, yeah it’s my kind of book.)

Julia wanted me to read it because sometimes it feels like I’m spinning my wheels — doing lots of little things to try to get myself to the next place career-wise in both my marketing career (i.e., $$$) and my artistic career (i.e., bigger opportunities). She wanted me to see that every little thing you do makes a difference and any of those little things could take my career(s) past the tipping point.

I am loving this book. And I’m also trying to see how the things I’m bringing to the table help me and what I can do to help myself more.

I keep running up against my introversion. See, I think I might be a connector because I know a lot of people (although a lot of you are virtual; I’m just building my in real life rolodex) and I love to fix people up. I mean I LOVE it. I love helping my friends become friends with my other friends; I love helping people find someone who can answer their questions; I love saying, “I know who can help you with that” and then handing them an email/phone number. BUT these things also totally deplete me.

I know so much of getting along in the world is attitude but I also know that when I’m depleted I feel sad and hopeless. Given that I need alone time to recharge and given that I need MORE alone time if I’m spending time around people and given that I don’t get a lot of alone time because I have kids (being with Brett, as I’ve said, is as comforting as being alone), I want to figure out other ways to self-care. (Right now I’m relying way too much on caffeine and Cadbury eggs, which is not doing myself any favors, lemme tell you.)

I’m trying to do more self-talk like, “It’s ok. It’s not that bad. Breathe in, breathe out.” I’m trying to actively wrench my depleted mind around to feel less overwhelmed. I’m trying not to fret over the Cadbury eggs and caffeine too much. I mean, yes, exercise is good and eating well is good and getting enough sleep is good but at the heart of it is my introverted self trying not to just get by but actually to THRIVE in an extroverted world. I want the things I want — success, a good income, more opportunity — and giving in to my weaknesses isn’t going to get them for me. I want to be an active participant in my success instead of just waiting around for the marketing equivalent of Prince Charming.

I had a second interview today for the job I interviewed for last week and I have a playdate this afternoon, then homeschool fair tonight, then Power of the Pen judging tomorrow, then volunteering for the Purim carnival on Sunday, then taking Madison to a raucous play-center birthday party for one of Pennie’s friends Sunday night not to mention lots of work and leaving for Portland at the end of next week and the whole thing makes me want to cry. But I also want to do these things (even though my left eyelid won’t stop twitching). I want to be able to do those things without going insane, which means figuring out how not to go insane when my whole BEING rebels against this much action.

The only thing I can compare it to is how some people loathe public speaking. (Ironically I like public speaking, which seems strange I know but I’m better with a role to play so I’d rather be a featured speaker than be milling around at a dinner party where I don’t know anyone.) That hyperventilating fear that some people have before public speaking is kinda what I have before almost anything that involves meeting new people UNLESS I have a role to play and even then it’s stressful. Now this has gotten better in the past year of aggressive networking. I don’t cry in my car as much before meetings anymore (rarely, actually) and I’m more willing to make dates with people I’ve never met. So that gives me hope that I can get better at this other stuff, too.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m hoping to put in all this time upfront so that I can retreat back into happy aloneness further down the line but I realize a girl has gotta earn her stripes before she has the privilege of happy aloneness, which is why I’m willing to do this stuff. But today — sitting here in my office basement with my left eyelid spasming like mad — I needed to bitch about it a little as a way to cheer myself on. Argh.

In response to this post, Angela asked, “What is your 5 or 10 yr plan…do you have one? As in “where would you like your life/family/work to be in 5 or 10 yrs?”

I have a rough plan. (Do you realize that in ten years I’ll be mother to a child then old enough to buy a six-pack? My god.) In the next five years I want:

• To be making more money;
• To be writing more of what I want to write;
• To have work finding ME instead of me finding it;
• To be working on a second book.

I feel very good about the likelihood of all of these. And I’m very curious to know what my next book might be. Really all I want to do write now is think on adoption but I imagine that won’t be true forever. What’ll it be next? I’m really curious.

My essay, “Someone Else’s Shoes: How On-Blog Discourse Changed a Real Life Adoption” will appear in Mothering and Blogging: Practice and Theory to be published by Demeter Press spring 2009. This is a cleaned up and enlarged version of the presentation I gave on Shannon’s panel at the Philly adoption conference. All the edits are done and I just turned in my short bio but I kinda won’t believe it ’til I see it. (I’m superstitious about happy things!)