this woman’s work

Oh yes I did — finished the first draft of my sample chapter! I was emailing Barbara and complaining about my life and about writing — you know the usual — and she tossed off some little nuggets of wisdom about getting unstuck in a draft and for once in my life I had the sense to listen. Voila! Now to the edits!!! Yeehaw!!!

I appreciate all of the well wishes about my dad (who is appreciating the time he’s spending with his brother’s family) and the encouragement re., my op-ed. We spent the evening at Jessica’s house and it was a reassuring way to end the day. We had cake and it was very rich and now we’re all very sleepy from all the sugar. I have got to get some exercise!

I also came up with the name for my book. I’ve been stymied since I changed the focus and it’s been working in the back of my mind for some days. Today it finally came to me and even Brett approves. (He’s a bit finicky about this book idea because he is a cautious soul.) I knew I didn’t want Madison’s name in it although this is sure done A LOT in adoption books because she already has so many reasons to resent me and my writing career. And then I had some trouble with verbs and huffed around about them for a bit. It’s a working title — if I get an agent s/he might have ideas then if I get a publisher s/he might have some ideas — but it, well, works. I’ll probably share it soon but right now I’m feeling too shy about it.
Speaking of projects, my goal for December is to come up with my Smart Cookie marketing plan for 2008.

(I don’t know if my feed is working yet by the way. Let me know if you’re not getting updates so I can wring my hands and look frustrated until I figure out how to fix it.)

I need to see if I can work this out here. I find it easier to free-write with an audience (creative exhibitionist that I am). I’m working on an essay that I hope to turn into the first chapter of this book so I can hurry and get the proposal on out like NOW and I’m stuck, as always. This is really long and mostly pointless rambling (I’m typing this sentence after putting 900-ish words of freewriting below the cut) so feel free to skip it. And if you go ahead and read — welcome to the disjointed, babbling, back and forth process that is me free-writing.
(more…)

I’m running around like a headless chicken. I’ve got a networking meeting and then a fun networking meeting. (One for work, one for creative work.) I hope I’ll have something to write about the second. Then tomorrow we leave for our press trip, which looks like it’ll be non-stop fun fun fun (read: hectic). I’ll be skipping most of the amusement park rides ‘cuz of my still screwed up neck. (Damn.)

I talked to this fellow Rosh Hashanah celebrator (only she does it right and I just make honey cake) about where I am with this whole book dealie I’m working on and she gave me two thumbs up to head in the direction I’m heading in. It’s the obvious direction but I’m terrified and don’t really want to go there. One anonymous comment doesn’t even ruffle my feathers but add ‘em up and it’s scary. Even the comments I got on my Salon piece — mostly good (some of them even great!) but it was still horrifying. I think it must be like walking around in your swimsuit for a beauty competition. I mean, all those people just sitting there looking for flaws because it’s their job and all those other people doing it because it’s entertainment. And then when you’re up there you’re thinking, “Shoot, is the double-sided tape on my butt coming undone???” It’s just horrifying. I kept trying to push the personal away away away and it keeps coming back.

I guess I can only write the way I write and it’d be stupid to try to force a style on myself that I don’t really love or understand or have much practice in. (I mean, I love to read it but I’ve never gotten the hang of writing it.) I guess what I do write is usually personal, right? I mean the stuff that gets the most play clips-wise. It must be what I’m good at so that should be what I do. Plus I love to write it — I love it even when I hate it and right now I’m kinda hating it. Personal narrative (sounds so much better than the self-centered “memoir”) is such a joy for a mindf*cking writer like me. But sometimes I wish I could do dispassionate but thoughtful journalism. Damn.

Me and Leslie are fond of saying, “Writing is for suckers.”

Plus I’m just stuck on this naming chapter (I still think it’s the right chapter to start with). I can’t find the main thread to hold it all together.

So that makes me want to write a little bit about writing the Textured piece. For that essay I knew I was going to use doing Madison’s hair as the thread because it would give me the chance to do a few things:

• Personalize it (this isn’t a lecture about hair, it’s an illustration of my learning process);
• Organize it (the whole thing would be contained within our daily session so I wouldn’t be tempted to sprawl);
• Introduce some concepts gently (like some of the terms);
• Make for easy segues (for example, our babysitter’s comments).

And I think it worked pretty well. I could see the whole essay before I wrote it although I made big changes as I went (particularly after the editor got back to me).

I’m not seeing the same lay-out for the naming piece yet. I think I haven’t really nailed all I want this chapter to say so I can’t find a progression. I guess I have to keep brainstorming it until I can see how to turn it into a narrative. I’m also kinda getting hung up on word count, which is a mistake because word counts make me nutty.

Yeah, writing is for suckers.

I’m the slowest writer EVER.

So. After thinking and thinking and outlining and making notes and reading other books and look at other people’s chapters I realized that:

1. I’m writing a totally different book than I thought I was (but I suspect its the book everyone always said I’d write);
2. That I make things WAY too hard by thinking essays/chapters have to have more stuff than they do (more on that when I’m not crunched for time);
3. That I have to rewrite my hard-won sample chapter entirely and not just rewrite it from what I’ve written.

My sample chapter opens up with me seeing Jessica for the very first time and then segues into (not) naming Madison. I’m using Madison’s naming story as a metaphor for my developing philosophy about openness. See, when I first thought of naming, I was thinking of me. I was thinking of claiming. And I was going to invite the theoretical birth mom in by “letting” her pick the middle name or choosing a name together. I hadn’t considered that the child would come to us named and that threw me for a loop. (Actually I had considered it but not seriously.) The shift in my thinking was when I realized that taking away Madison’s birth name would be taking something from Madison and suddenly “giving up” naming her seemed like the only choice. And, too, then I recognized that NOT naming her was, of course, naming her and that parenting her through openness and through her adoption was a way to become her parent. In fact, my decision to keep Madison’s birth name was the first parenting decision I made for her and it set the tone for becoming her mother through adoption without erasing her birth ties.

That’s the first chapter.

Now if I open with meeting Jessica, I’m setting the book up to be about my relationship with Jessica and I don’t want it to be about that. Why not?
1. Because I don’t even want to pretend to tell Jessica’s story;
2. Because I want the story to be about me embracing openness and use that story as a way to look at the broader culture around adoption;
3. There’s a lot I intend to leave out and I can only justify leaving it out by keeping the focus on my process.

The story of naming Madison isn’t all that long and so I was working on how to dig in deeper and see what I came up with and I think I’ve figured it out but it means changing the structure of the book a great deal. But I think I’m on the right track because it’s very nearly starting to look EASY to me to figure this out and I’ve learned that whenever the way looks clear, it’s usually the right way to go. (NOTE: Clear doesn’t mean it’ll be a cinch to write; it means that even if the writing is sucky and awful to do that I’m at least pointed in the right direction so it’ll all come straight if I hang in there.)

Ah today, life is good! The kids are going to a pizza party tonight and I’m going to work on my chapter outline. I spent the morning working with Noah, talking to his new virtual teacher (I’m less annoyed by it all now than I was earlier because she was cool with us making this fit Noah and not vice versa), and wrangling Madison. Then this afternoon I had an interview for a new client, which I think went well. (It’s small potatoes, Julia — I’ll tell you later.) The woman was funny, the job — very occasional — sounded easy, and the weather is gorgeous so I drove with the windows open.

Speaking of Julia, I’m glad she harassed me about working on my proposal because it turns out it’s not as hard and scary as I thought it would be because this is something I want to write. The sample chapter is still in tatters but the outline is suddenly making sense (helped by a massively encouraging email response from Becca) and I’m excited about working on the promotional part of it. (Because I love marketing — I really do.) Even the competition part is fun!

I thought about all the things that are worrying me, I thought about all the things I wish I’d gotten done yesterday, I thought about all kinds of things I might want to write about on here. Like:

1. When and how I realized that the tracking in school was classist (seventh grade).
In sixth grade there were kids from all three (four?) of our district’s elementary schools in the Talented and Gifted pull-out program. Once a week they bussed us to another school and we did enrichment activities. In seventh grade they started pulling us out for a weekly Dungeons and Dragons playdate (heh) but 1/3 of the original TAG kids were missing and in their places were some of the richer kids. I knew that KB wasn’t all that smart (gifted kids know from other gifted kids) but she was way rich. I knew sure as hell she wasn’t as smart as BT, one of the girls who was gone. I came home and asked my mother what the hell was going on and she said, “Her parents must have called and raised a fuss.” I have no idea if that’s what they did but I do know that KB and the rest of the TAG latecomers were put on the college track and the smart but poor original TAGers were shuffled off to Tech school in tenth grade.

2. How Noah recently said, “I might be thinking about school sometime” meaning he’s thinking about going.
That’s the first time in five years of homeschooling that anything like that has crossed his lips. Next year will be his last chance for awhile because it’ll be his last year of elementary school and there’s no way in hell I’m sending him to middle school as his first public schooling experience. (Although the alternative middle school that just popped up in our district looks great, it seems unfair to send a homeschooler into the melee of hormones that is seventh/eight grade. Talk about setting someone up for disaster!) But you know, for all people doubt this — I think sending him to school sounds WAY more hectic and crazy-making for the family than keeping him home. I wouldn’t try to talk him out of it — he’s of an age where his wants matter an awful lot when it comes to school — I’m going to work hard to prepare him this year so whatever he wants to do he CAN do.

3. How hard it is to get a first draft onto paper (computer screen).
I can take notes for days, do my research, write up outlines but eventually I have to write. The first draft is usually (not always — there are those blessed times) wrenchingly difficult to write because no matter how much preparation I do, I don’t really know what it is I’m going to say. Right now I’m working on my chapter outline because I have to finish it to finish my chapter and this is some hard stuff. Satisfying, mind you, but damn hard. But until I get it done I’m going to feel yucky.

I had a meeting this morning at 8am and had trouble sleeping last night. I’m too tired to keep track of things.

The meeting was good. It was a “welcome new members” for NAWBO and I talked for awhile with Wendy Goldstein who owns Costume Specialists. She’s the nicest woman. Every time I’ve been at a meeting with her she makes an effort to connect with all the attendees. Today I talked to her some about how life sort of makes your way clear but that usually that only seems obvious in hindsight.

I definitely feel in limbo. I’m throwing out a lot of broad effort and trusting (hoping) that what comes back to me will also lead me to the next thing. I know that one of the things I’m good at is seeing connections between disparate things and finding a way to bring those things together to make a more cohesive package. In regards to marketing, I can see what message a person/company is projecting (because once that thing exists, it has a brand and then you can really only shape it but sometimes the shape of it is more flexible than people realize) and I can see what serves that projection and what doesn’t. But I don’t really know how to “prove” that I can do this and I don’t know how to turn that into a service and I don’t know if that’s what I should be doing.

I think about these things as it relates to creative work, too, and it’s become much easier for me to see when a project would serve me and when it would be better to walk away. Like it is in everything else, I think the key to having a fulfilling creative life and a prosperous one is balance.

I’m also still learning how to work with the up-down of full-time freelancing whether that’s keeping my spirits up on a day like today when they’re really dragging or it’s facing down the scut work of forms and files. It’s getting easier but it’s still not easy.

I got further in my sample chapter and then got stuck because I want to do an overview of the book in the latter half of it and I’m not really sure where the book is going. It doesn’t need to be set in stone but there are some major path choices I haven’t made yet. I’m not letting myself begin editing the half I’ve already done because I know I’ll use that to avoid addressing this next big chunk, besides which until I know the book’s trajectory I don’t want to do any substantial edits because what I want/need might change. But I was pleased to get the draft done.

Jessica couldn’t make it to the party yesterday. It was the first birthday of one of her friend’s son and if I’d known Jessica wasn’t going to be there, maybe I would have copped out on going and I’m glad I didn’t because we had fun.

Jessica’s friends are like family to her and it’s one of the first things I admired about her. When we met for the first time, three of her girlfriends came and these three girlfriends have remained very important people in her life. One of them was at Madison’s birth and one of them is the one who called me to say Madison was born.

I didn’t have great relationships with women as early in my life as she has. I was too mired in jealousy and fear and that made me see every female friend as a rival; this is why I admire Jessica and her friends so much. I admire the strength of her relationships and her ability to maintain those friendships through the ups and downs of life and through inevitable conflicts and arguments. I think it speaks well of her and it speaks well of them.

Sometimes I’m jealous of their relationship with Jessica because, quite simply, I love her and wish I could be as close to her as they all are. I wish I was privy to her everyday events the way they are and wish I could know her that well. It makes me think that this must be how it is when your kids are grown. I’m not foolish enough to be really and truly jealous of Jessica’s friends or to try to insert myself in her life more than I already get to be. But still, yesterday I kept wanting to bring Jessica’s name into the conversation because I feel a little hungry for more of her and I wish I could see her through their eyes, too. Like she’d sent along these rolls she’d made and they were talking about them and what was in them and about what a good cook Jessica is and I cocked my ears, ready to hear any little thing about her. You know what it’s a little like? It’s a little bit like when you have a crush on somebody and you want to bring their name into conversation so you can hear other people talking about them, too. That’s a bit what it’s like. Only it feels much more appropriate to have the distance so that’s what makes me think it’s a taste of how it’ll be for my kids. One day they’ll be older and have lives totally separate from me and I’ll love to be a part of it and maybe a little wistful because of the absolutely appropriate and sensible boundaries. So while I’ll want to eat up every little bit of them, I’ll also know that the glimpses are all I need to see.

Even though at many meetings we don’t talk about writing.

Last night they helped me have confidence that I can read the insane “go Go GO!” books and leave my ordinary self intact and that my ambition to take care of my family is a big enough ambition to drive my efforts. That I don’t have to wanna be Donald Trump. Yeah. What they said. Because who the hell wants to be Donald Trump besides Donald Trump? And he’s probably in denial about his self-hatred because he’s so self-hate-able.

Now I have to figure out how to get over my money guilt so I don’t wince every time I send an invoice. (Ouch.)

In other plans … I was thinking of doing a survey to kill time and gather resources for my open adoption book. I want to be able to say that I’m talking to zillions of people in my proposal but I also don’t want to kill too much time (being known to use busy work as a work-avoidance technique) and I want to start outlining my sample chapter.

I think one sample chapter (I’ll need two) ought to be a little run-down of our own open adoption story and then a look at open adoption historically — nothing too heavy because again with my work-avoidance technique. I also need to start working on the chapter outline.

I know I want to include international adoption but I’m not sure what I want to include about it. The part of international adoption I’m most interested is people who are wanting to find birth family connections after the fact. I want to look at how the changing cultural of openness is impacting adoptions that are pretty much always considered closed. So not the Ethiopian or Guatemalan adoptions, for example, where people know there’s the possibility of openness, but adoptions from places like China. I want to know more about what drives people especially someone who maybe chose an international adoption because of birth parent fears and then who changed their mind when their child came home. I want to know more about why they changed their minds. (Hmmm, maybe I’ll make a survey for parents in closed adoptions, too, to see what they think about openness.)

Onwards, onwards.