Work Work Work

Why you have to SAY the WORDS

Aug 172010

One of my favorite things about the Must-Read Moms list (besides that I get to be on it) is that one of the fine blogs included in the list is Lesbian Dad. I love this note on the About Page:

les•bi•an dad n, neologism 1. a. A lesbian or genderqueer parent who feels that traditionally female titles (i.e., “mother”) don’t quite fit, and who is willing to appropriate and redefine existing male ones (i.e., “father”): She was a tomboy when she was a kid, so it’s not surprising she’s a lesbian dad as a parent. b. Often a non-biological parent in a lesbian family, whose role relative to the child in many ways resembles that of fathers.

Now I already knew that BlogHer is pretty diverse and liberal but Parenting? Parenting Magazine? Hawkers of baby formula and beauty products and toys to make your baby smarter? Mainstream magazines don’t have the luxury to risk to be progressive, especially not in these troubled times of publishing, which is why I was so excited that Parenting didn’t let that stop them from including a terrific blog.

It made me think about a staff meeting we had at shelter to rework our intake packet. My friend Jodi, who at that time was in a relationship with a woman and self-identified as a lesbian, was the night staff person. She argued strongly that we remove the line about diversity in our “Shelter Overview” page and instead state the kinds of diversity a person staying at shelter might experience. She also insisted that when we make this list we include the word LESBIAN. Because, she pointed out, saying THAT WORD was a way to explicitly say “we welcome you” to lesbians seeking shelter. And it’s a message, too, to someone who is offended by the word LESBIAN because if you can’t read a simple word without offense, you probably shouldn’t stay at our shelter where you might actually have a lesbian roommate. Instead of worrying about being inoffensive, she told us, we had to live our values out loud. We had to SAY the WORDS.

(This argument has stayed with me through the years in other contexts, too, and it’s why I made the policy over at Open Adoption Support to use the term First Parent instead of Birth Parent in any official-type informational pages.)

Anyway, back to welcoming lesbians. I was very excited to read this excellent essay in a recent issue of hipmama: Queer Parenting on the Spectrum by Beren deMotier; I really really really wanted it for Support for Special Needs. Obviously, it’s a killer essay and I would have wanted it anyway (that whole judgment from friends, family and outsiders thing comes up A LOT in our community) but that it has QUEER in the title? Bonus! And thankfully Beren graciously allowed us to reprint it.

Now if we can just get someone to start a Lesbian Mom group on the site…

By the way, Beren has a blog, too, right here: The Lesbian Mom Next Door Check it out!

I know what this means

The Story of My Life, Writing 5 Responses »

Jul 302010

There are these two ex-boyfriends I sometimes dream about and the symbolism for both of them is absolutely clear to me. The first boyfriend appears when I am thinking about my most creative self. He represents my urge to chuck it all and go tearing selfishly around the world living only for my want to write. The second one shows up whenever I’m struggling with my creative career. He represents my need for professional accomplishment as a writer. Back in my youth, I thought that when I was dreaming about them that I was dreaming about THEM but then in my thirties (I think?) I realized I was really dreaming about myself and since I’ve figured that out, it’s made those dreams much more useful to me.

Last night I had a dream about the second one and it was so transparent.

The first part of my dream, I was in his apartment with another writer friend of mine who is at home with small children (younger than mine) and we were discussing her resume and how to work it to help her go back to this career that has nothing to do with writing (and which she’s never had in real life). We were talking about how to structure her resume so that she could get a job that would meet her practical needs (financial, parental and personal) but still give her time to write. You know, like what I’m hoping school will be for me. The ex-boyfriend was sitting at a table away from us scribbling away on notepaper and I leaned in and and said to her, rolling my eyes, “It’s easier for him. He doesn’t have to compartmentalize everything like we do.”

Then in the second part of my dream, I came back through his apartment like the way you might walk through a bus station. This time I was holding Madison’s hand and she was a very little girl. I was holding her hand tightly because I was afraid that she might get into trouble or get hurt in the apartment but at the same time, I wanted her to see the apartment and I wanted the ex-boyfriend to see her. Then I cut through the front door and was relieved that she was still with me.

I mean, really. So transparent.

So the ex-boyfriend is my professional writing career and the conversation in the first part is about feeling resentful that I can’t give the time to my writing career that I’d like to (but also feeling hopeful) and the second part is worrying — as I always worry — that my kids will not get what they need or that I will not get what I need.

I have dreams that are about these things ALL THE TIME. It’s the story of my life. It’s the story of lots of lives (maybe yours).

I find these dreams very comforting even though nothing gets resolved. I find them comforting because they are an acknowledgment of my struggle. Sometimes when I’m feeling excessively grouchy I’ll have a dream and understand that my grouch has to do a bigger frustration than having to wash the towels twice because I left them too long in the washer and they got mildewed. Those dreams are a reminder of my SELF and that I need to keep an eye on that part of me and pay attention to it and remember to nurture it.

The fact that these are ex-boyfriends getting all symbolic up in my dreams also made me think about how pre-Brett I dated boys who had something I wanted. I dated boys who I wanted to be like and then I decided that maybe I would quit looking for these qualities in a partner and instead start looking for these qualities in myself. And then when I started doing that I met Brett. Or more like my heart was open for meeting Brett who is his own self and not an imaginary who-I-want-to-be. Brett enhances my life and enhances me while before those relationships — through no fault of the guys who were in them with me — left me feeling frustrated and insecure and unhappy. It makes sense though because you can’t marry someone to fill up your empty spaces; you have to find someone who gives you the strength and ability and encouragement to fill those spaces up yourself.

Look at that. I started writing about dreams and I ended up writing about marriage. Such is the wandering mind unleashed on a journal, eh?

Anatomy of an article

Adoption, Writing 17 Responses »

Jul 022010

I wanted to write a little bit about the process of writing that Brain Child disruption article. It’s the first time in a long while that I’ve written something this reported that wasn’t straight service and I loved writing it even though it was hard and I had a lot of adoption-related nightmares while I was writing it. This is very long so I’m putting it all below the cut (I also don’t have time to edit so forgive any stupidity on my part) but I thought other writers might be interested in this. This was my query letter, which I pitched in December:

Continue reading »

The Myth of the Forever Family

Adoption, Writing 35 Responses »

Jun 302010

My article on adoption disruption and dissolution is up at Brain Child (and of course on newsstands now):

When we adopted our daughter, Madison, six years ago, the judge was clear. Legally, adoption bound our daughter to our family as if she had been born to us. She would have the same rights as our biological son. We owed her the same level of commitment. A few weeks later, Madison’s amended birth certificate would arrive, with my name as her birth mother and my husband’s name as her birth father. All of her original birth records would be locked up, sealed away, inaccessible. At the end of the brief ceremony, the judge banged his gavel and officially pronounced us—in the language of the mainstream adoption community—“a forever family.”

That ceremony lawfully inducted us into the myth that adoptive families are expected to live by. Our families are supposed to be “just like” biological families. That’s why we adoptive parents roll our eyes when celebrity magazines talk about Angelina Jolie’s “adopted children” instead of just calling them her kids and we swear up and down that we are the “real parents.” Some hopeful adoptive parents even wear T-shirts that announce that they are “Paper Pregnant,” as if they feel the need to validate their way of building a family by equating adoption with a fundamental physical experience.

In many ways these adoption myths serve us and our kids well. Children should not face discrimination for how they arrive to a family. They should have inheritance rights. Adoptive parents should never question their obligation to the children they commit to parenting.

But in other ways, adoption myths betray our children by giving lie to their origins. They are not born to us. We do not create them. They arrive to our families with histories that precede their lives with us. Embracing our children means embracing their stories even when they are difficult to hear.

The hard truth is that adoption is not just like giving birth. It is rarely as straightforward. And as much as we would like to think otherwise, not all forever families are forever.

via Brain, Child :: The Magazine for Thinking Mothers.

There was A LOT of great discussion that could not make it into the article, which I am very sorry about. I also talked to families who ended up not feeling comfortable being quoted for the piece but whose experiences informed my process. You can discuss the article here (at the Brain Child discussion blog) and I’ll be checking in there. I’ve also invited the people I interviewed to weigh in but they are busy people so we’ll just have to see.

This was a hard but rewarding piece to write and I just hope that I did justice to the topic.

One more thing — whenever I write about Madison’s sealed-away birth certificate and the new fake one that she has, the editors stop me and ask me if I’m SURE about that. The editors at Salon even said, “Is that legal?” So many people outside of adoption get that it’s insane, which makes it more bizarre that it’s controversial to people inside adoption.

Julia's Turn

Support for Special Needs No Responses »

Jun 232010

Issues big and small are issues among our kids. While I sure wouldn’t wish kidney failure on anyone and most people won’t need that kind of support, I can sure commiserate and hopefully offer and receive support about behavior and caregiver stress and how being out in the world advocating for my kids seems overwhelming a lot of times. There’s more in common than separates us and SfSN is a safe place to share what is common (which turns out to be a great deal no matter the diagnosis or issue). There is no level of special need that isn’t important, especially to us parents.

What it’s not? Is a place for exclusion. It’s not a place for blame or self-hatred. It’s not a place to compare and feel guilt about what we’ve done or are or aren’t doing (because really, all parents could have a list, right?). It’s a place to come and receive support and share resources and hopefully in the process, we’ll move better in our space and help our kids more. Because isn’t that the point?

via The Site Grows : Kidneys and Eyes.