this woman’s work

Madison and I spent some times yesterday watching youtube videos about doing hair. Someone in the local IFIF group forwarded this channel to our email list and I was watching it the other day because Madison wanted to learn how to put beads in her hair. She saw a guy with black beads and braids at the grocery and then we saw two little girls at the park and another little girl at a restaurant so Madison was inspired for me to try it.

Madison’s hair is tricky. It has a lot of different textures throughout (it’s getting very kinky just at her forehead and no place else) and she is prone to play hair salon, which means she dismantles her braids or pony tails and brushes it hard. I’ll sit down and get her hair done for the day after breakfast, go downstairs to work and by the time I come up for lunch she’s taken it down and brushed it to a wide frizz around her head. Most days she ends up with a simple scraped back ponytail. I’m not crazy about the ponytail look. Yes, she looks adorable but to me it also looks lazy. Still I’m not going to stop her from wanting to mess with her own hair and we keep ponytail holders in the car now since she often does it while we’re driving and she’s bored.

My goal is to just get her dang hair out of her eyes and the more braiding I can do towards the front of her head, the more the style will hold since the front is so kinky and also so much shorter (it’s all her new post-baby growth coming in). That’s why her ponytails always end up looking sloppy. I could slap a bunch of product on her hair to keep it down but I’m not so hep to the product — even natural product — since it would mean more hairwashing for her, an activity she despises. I like to stick to once a week hairwashing and so we live with the frizzies. (I do use some loc butter to keep her braids tight but otherwise it’s just leave-in conditioner.)

Anyway, our favorite youtube video was this one:

So after watching that we were both inspired even though Madison’s hair wouldn’t hold most of those styles. Still, we got an A for effort and this is what we did with her hair yesterday:

I know — it’s kinda sloppy. It’s hard for me to do tight braids because 1) I’m not the small motor skill girl in the family (that would be Erica) and 2) her hair is really slippery and 3) she’s a pretty wriggly person even when she’s trying very very hard to stay still. It took an hour but it’s holding today (most of her hair styles don’t hold for very long before the braids start coming undone) so it was worth it. Likely if I could do smaller braids it would last longer but I’m not that skilled and she’s not that patient. (Watching the “how to” videos fascinated her in part because the other little girls sit so still but her body just won’t let her.) You can see that if her hair is combed or brushed, it gets pretty straight in the back.

This is another style we did the other day, which she loved but took apart just a couple of hours later. (sigh):

This was my first time trying piggyback braids but I should have done it lower towards the front of her head. The back I left unbraided, which I usually do with all of her styles because Madison likes to feel it on the back of her neck. Come summer we’ll probably rethink that.

Next post some pictures of Madison where you can see her face. (As always, write me if you want the password!)

I’m home with the kids today while my husband is at work just like how things used to be but totally different. Brett started today at a Home Depot for three reasons:

1. Possibility of getting help with our insurance;
2. Learning to do some of the things around the house that need to get done and learning with an employee discount;
3. A break from the kids.

Seriously — a break from the kids was a big reason he wanted a job. I hear that.

Meanwhile it looks like my on-site gig, (which amounts to about five days a month across two weeks), might be regular which is what I hoped. At least they’ve already assigned my time to come next month. Perfect! It’s a big chunk of our budget right there and a big relief. Plus it’s fun. I mean really, really fun.

We think we’ll be able to swing the scheduling so that one of us is with the kids while the other is at work but there will surely be times where I’ll have a client meeting when Brett is gone so we’ve got a few back up plans. My sister is always good for some childcare and I volunteered Abby (without speaking to her first but she was game) and there’s Noah’s friend L’s family and the inlaws are back in town, at least for now. So that’s all good although Madison has been periodically showing up in tears to remind us that she never, ever, ever likes to have playdates when one of us is not with her. She says that when she is a mommy she will never, ever, ever leave her kids.

“I hate [job site]! Do all mommies have to go to [job site]? Or do some not go?”

I told her not all mommies go there and she declared that she certainly will not then. I told her this is fine.

I was having some stress earlier this week because someone sent a marketing this or that my way and it was all about getting out there and making zillions of dollars and I looked at it and thought, “I can see a way to market myself with these tools” and I could see how it might work but I could also see that to do it I would have to kinda push and shove some other people who are dabbling in the same sort of thing. And also there’s this marketing tone that’s very, “How much money have YOU made today???” that doesn’t resonate with me AT ALL. In fact, it’s something that kept me leery of marketing communications as a career and I still duck and cover when I show up at a networking meeting and there’s someone at the door glad-handing everyone and saying, “I made six figures in the last six months! How badly do YOU want success???”

The truth is I want some success. This past April with the two missing checks? That’s made me feel a lot less down on the whole money-money-money credo. But — not to be corny — I would be happy with money-money; I don’t need money-money-money. (See, first money covers the bills and the second money puts cash in savings.)

When things were feeling very bad last month, Brett and I sat ourselves down and said, “Can we really do this?” Because it looked like we were on our way to failing. Should Brett go back to a full-time desk job? Would I have to go back to scrambling for nickel-and-dime jobs while the house descended into chaos behind me? We put it all out on the table and decided, “No. We’ll make this work.” (Part of this was because we knew there’d be some very “I told you so” types if we threw in the towel, which made us want to kick freelance ass because we are contrary like that.)

Way back at the beginning of this thing Julia asked me what I wanted from this. Last week she reminded me of this after listening to me angst about not wanting to take over the world. She said, “Dawn, do you remember what your goal was? It was to make enough money to support your habit of being with your family.” (Is that a great line or what?)

This past April scared me so I was thinking, has it scared me enough to head into the dog-eat-dog, high-enthusiasm, take-no-prisoners world of hard-core marketing communications marketing? To elbow my way to the front? To make enemies in the name of getting more work and higher pay-outs? And Julia said, no. Because I don’t need money-money-money when money-money will do.

She also reminded me that I’ve come a long way, baby, in the past year. I know a lot more now and I know which marketing groups seem worth it and which didn’t do much for me so I’m wasting a lot less time smiling stiffly at events. I’ve made friends and contacts and colleagues. I’ve added a whole lot of work to my portfolio. I’ve learned the lingo and how to use it. I’ve learned to listen more than I talk. I’ve got a work wardrobe for the first time in my life and I’ve gained so much confidence that everything feels a lot less hard.

Other accomplishments:

• I’ve had several public speaking gigs and have three more upcoming;
• I’m no longer nervous about returning phone calls to perfect strangers;
• I’m not afraid to turn down work that doesn’t suit me;
• I have people who come to me with work.

That last one, that feels great, lemme tell you.

If this on-site gig sticks around awhile we’ll be in the clear even if someone loses a check (or two) for four (or six) weeks. If Brett likes Home Depot (and I think he will), he’ll be able to get some of the work done around here that’s making him crazy. (Like refinishing our oak floors that weren’t sealed and so are getting trashed; like finishing the basement; like building out an office space for me; like replacing more tile in the crazy bathrooms; like fixing the solar panel thingies on the roof; like rescuing the house from its 50+ year old landscaping.)

And we can support our habit of spending time with each other and with our kids. I know — how selfish are we? But yesterday I worked all morning and then Brett watched three sets of kids for the afternoon while I went thrifting with the moms and then the families all went out to dinner together and Noah sat laughing with the big kids and Madison giggled and fell off her chair with the little kids while the dads talked budgets and the moms talked kids and I thought, “This is what I’m in this for. Friends and family and time enough to work.”

Like everything it’s a balance. I’ll work a zillion hours a week as long as I can do it on my terms — with breaks to eat a sandwich with my husband or watch Noah play lacrosse or give Madison a foggy bath for her runny nose. I’ll hustle and hustle and hustle if I don’t have to sell-out to do it. But I have to stop sometimes to reassess — am I where I want to be and on my way to the next right stop? Today I am. Next week I’ll check again. And on and on and on.

He’s forty-(mumble mumble). No, he doesn’t care. I can tell you. He’s 42. We met just before he turned 24 so you can see that I’m going on knowing this guy for a long time. How is he celebrating, you ask? By running the kids around and packing me a lunch. I know — it’s a dream come true, right?

Can’t write more — there’s work to be done!

Obviously I’ve been thinking about Madison’s ballet class a whole lot. It looks like we’d need to sign her up for a private class unless we wait until fall because spring session is over and there isn’t much going on (that I’ve found so far) for summer. But I think we’ll head to the other rec centers to find her some summer activities. Sign ups aren’t going on yet but there are two close by rec centers that look like they might have some options and then Kristen is saying the one by Pennie might be good. Frankly private dance classes are outside our budget at the moment.

We live in a neighborhood that is somewhat racially mixed. Not on the level of my sister’s, which is probably half African-American and half white & Hispanic. But it’s not black enough. I don’t want Madison to be “the other black kid” in the class. My mom was saying (after this incident) that maybe Madison needs to go to school then but not this school district. Going in and seeing the classes made me realize that. The numbers on paper look a lot more encouraging than they are. I’m kicking myself for not moving to Erica’s neighborhood only we wanted Noah to be able to ride his bike to the library and swimming pool, etc. and he couldn’t have done that there. I know it was the right decision for Noah but maybe it wasn’t the right decision for Madison. Although it looks like the middle school has more black kids than the elementary school. (The middle school is also in this quadrant and when we go to the library we sometimes see the gym classes in the field nearby.)

But I’m willing to drive and heck, even gas prices hit five dollars a gallon, Erica’s neighborhood is an easy bike ride away. Ok, except for the one hill but that’s because I’m terribly out of shape these days. (sigh) It’s not impossible. And maybe we will move one of these days. Who can tell? Just because the housing market is tanked now and just because we’re too broke to think about taking on moving expenses doesn’t mean it’ll be that way forever, right?

Madison is feeling better now, I think, because she’s putting her feelings on the class and not on herself. I was talking to Brett about what I’ve found in the way of classes for her and Noah was sitting at the kitchen table and asked what was going on and I filled him in (he was at a friend’s house after class and missed the discussion). Madison, wandering by on her way to the bathroom, said, “Oh yeah, it’s all white kids there, Noah.” And she shook her head, meaningfully.

It’s important to me that she hears us talking about this and problem-solving and she hears her brother offering his support and understanding and that she hears us talking to her directly AND indirectly, you know? That she knows that we as a family are taking this on and that it matters to all of us that she feel comfortable and supported.

Every now and then I hear from other transracially adopting parents that their kids don’t have any problems. I heard this from a parent whose raising a black daughter in this community. Or just from plain old adoptive parents. They say, “Oh my kid never thinks about his/her adoption; s/he is totally fine with it.”

I just don’t buy it. But the other thing about it is this idea that to be “totally fine” means to be totally not talking about it or not thinking about it. To my mind it’s “totally fine” to be struggling. It’s “totally fine” to wonder and ask questions and to not always feel “totally fine”.

Madison skinned her knee the other day and she wailed the wail of boo-boo ridden preschoolers everywhere when she said, “But why do scrape have to hurt?” And I told her that the pain is there to tell us to pay attention. I said, “If your scrapes didn’t hurt we wouldn’t know that we needed to wash it out and get a band-aid. I’m glad that boo-boos hurt; that means they’re doing their job! But it’s still no fun to have one.”

Same goes with the rest of life’s boo-boos, right?

Not only is this question reasonable, it’s one I ask myself. AidelMaidel says, gently:

But sometimes I wonder (and that’s only based on what you write here - obviously your life is much more complex then your blog) if you are quick to label Madison’s separation anxiety as an outcropping of her adoption. Couldn’t it just be that Madison is a kid who has an issue with separation - regardless of the adoption? I know you have Noach to compare to, but what about just Madison - couldn’t it be possible, if the adoption issue was removed from the picture, that she was just a kid who severe separation anxiety? That it’s just part of her nature? There are plenty of “outgoing” kids who deal with separation anxiety (even severe).

I could be quick to label it, yes, sure. I don’t think I am but I might be. If she weren’t adopted and she was who she is but had the same extreme reaction, I’d still be surprised and I’d still be apt to analyze it a little bit because 1) my mind works that way; and 2) her reactions really do seem at odds with the rest of who she is under other circumstances. I would never tell Madison that she is acting a certain way because of her adoption because I can’t know. And also because it doesn’t matter, which is more to the point. Like I wrote before (and am too lousy to link), I have learned that there isn’t a perfect Madison who might have been if only… There is perfect Madison who is. But I do have to say that thinking “this could be adoptionish” does give me more patience because sometimes her change of personality gives me whiplash. (I am learning to expect this clingy reaction more though even as I marvel her otherwise boisterous and outgoing nature. Is it an adoption issue? Is it a parenting issue? Turns out it doesn’t matter if it’s one, the other, both or neither. It just needs attention.)