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If you watch Madison’s very loud, very chaotic video (I’m still learning how to work this camera and so far the results aren’t pretty and I sure won’t be hurt if you skip it — not at ALL) please note that Pennie and Madison ended up with the same hairstyle TOTALLY WITHOUT PRIOR PLANNING. It just so happened that way.
Yesterday I got a phone call that was … interesting. Basically someone with some involvement in something wanted to warn me about something else entirely. It’s one of those situations where maybe they have terrific insight or maybe they have specific insight and maybe it’s a well-timed warning or maybe it will turn out to be nothing. Me, I think it’s a little bit of both. Which is to say that I totally believe what this person was saying but I also think that there are other people whose stories might be different.
And if you’re confused imagine how I must have felt when I hung up the phone.
Thus the title of this post. Me, I’m trying to keep my head down this year. At least more often than I do now. I tend to get a touch over-involved with other people’s fiascoes because fiascoes are so interesting. Only now that I’m old (forty on the 11th! Mark your calendars!) I’m too creaky to get involved with other people’s fiascoes especially since my years — nay, decades — of experience have proven to me that all drama passes eventually. I get all wired up and fling my arms around and scurry all over the place full of exciting worry. Brett watches patiently from the couch with more amusement than I’d like and I say, all huffy, “How can you just sit there?” But he’s always right and it always turns out my flinging, scurrying is for naught. Eventually anyway.
Besides which seems like life has enough real drama that maybe I don’t need to go tagging along to someone else’s, right?
At least that’s what I told myself when I hung up the phone.
Well, it’ll be interesting to see what 2010 has to bring us since it’s clear that no matter what happens it’ll be different than what happened last year. I’m just hoping that I can talk myself into joining Brett on the couch more often so I can enjoy watching other people flip out instead of being the one doing the flipping.
First let me say that I love Mount Carmel West. Love them. They went above and beyond for Madison. A special shout out to childbirth educator Marie for calling yesterday to make sure she had all of our complicated details straight. Madison just now said, “I want to go back to that hospital. I wish I was back there to see more people!”
I knew the visit was going to go well when Marie entered the lobby and greeted Madison before she said hello to me. During the whole visit, her focus was on Maddie — on making her feel heard and respected and celebrated. She answered all of Madison’s questions — even the ones Madison didn’t know she had.
Madison got to see a baby in the nursery — they brought the baby to the window and unwrapped her so Madison could check out her umbilical stump (they knew she had questions about the clamp). They knew Madison was worried that there might have been a point when she was alone in the hospital so they specially emphasized how there is always someone taking care of the babies. I think that for Madison it stemmed from being concerned there was an in between time when she was no longer Pennie’s baby but she wasn’t our baby yet. There was never a time like that for Madison. She mostly roomed in with Pennie and there was never a time when Pennie was NOT mothering her although she did spend a bit of time in the nursery while Pennie slept. Now she knows that in the nursery the nurses rock and cuddle the babies while they feed them and there is always someone there fussing over them. She also got to see a proud mama come and pick up her baby to take her back to the room. She got to see that new mom’s smile. She knows that there is a lot of smiling when new babies arrive.
Madison came prepared. She brought in a picture she drew to give to Marie and she brought in two pictures of herself in the hospital. She chose which ones to bring and she picked the one of Pennie feeding her for the very first time and she picked the one of Noah & me holding her. She shared them with Marie and then when Marie introduced her to Sue, the nursery worker, Marie said, “This is Madison and she was born right in this hospital!” and encouraged Madison to show the pictures. Sue made just the right fuss and said that she was working then and maybe she even helped take care of Madison. Madison was pleased.
They had gifts for her, too. Cookies and juice. A onesie for Roscoe that says, “I heart Maddie”, a door hanger to decorate for her room and a big sister pin. They also let her pick out a big brother pin for Noah. And she got a diaper for her doll (she’s saving it for Roscoe) and a coloring book.
We toured the floor and peeked into one of the rooms. I showed her the door to the room where she stayed with Pennie (the hospital was FULL UP because apparently nine months ago a lot of people were making babies!) and she got to push around one of the bassinets. Marie also showed her how to swaddle a baby and how to hold a baby to support his wobbly head.
The visit was great. Afterwards Madison said her head was full. “I can’t even remember Kalahari now!” she told Marie. (She’s talking about a water park we went to two years ago.) I’m sure there will still be questions coming but when she came home and called Pennie to fill her in, she was speaking very authoritatively about all she now knows.
I was impressed by how easily Marie and Sue were able to incorporate Madison’s adoption story into their narrative. Because Marie called and asked a lot of questions, she spoke smoothly about Pennie and about me and about Roscoe and there weren’t any awkward moments like there sometimes can be in open adoption if people aren’t familiar.
I’d encourage other adoptive parents to consider checking in with their local hospitals — even if they’re child wasn’t born there or if their siblings (by birth or adoption) won’t be born there — if they’re looking for some help to talk about family additions. It’d be worth checking in to see if someone is comfortable doing this kind of specialized tour. I don’t know if every program at every hospital is going to be as sensitive and flexible as Marie but it’s sure worth calling to find out. I probably wouldn’t have thought to reach out if Mount Carmel wasn’t the hospital where Madison was born or where Roscoe is going to be born and Madison would have missed out then. I have a feeling if I’d called and said, “I have a daughter who was born in another city and is having a sibling by birth who will be born in another city” that Marie would have figured out a way to help Madison understand what was happening all the way across the country or understand as much as she could what her birth story might have been like. She was that kind of sensitive person, you know?
Anyway, Madison is walking a little bit “big sister” taller now. (The other thing is that Marie assured her that most of the big sisters she meets — who are usually in the 3 to 5 years old range — don’t know how to read and it’s ok that Madison is just learning. Madison was worried about that. She asked me a few weeks ago if she can BE a big sister if she doesn’t know how to read.) It was a terrific afternoon!
That last post? I’m not looking for any pats on my head and I’m also not beating myself up. I haven’t worked hard enough at this. I’ve made half-assed attempts (including preschool) and when those didn’t get her the community I felt like she needed (she wasn’t expressing it yet), I quit looking (again because she wasn’t expressing it yet). I never did get her in dance class last year because I ended up getting a job and my schedule went to hell. I mean, I have plenty of excuses but Madison is not interested in hearing my excuses.
But there are resources here and we can avail ourselves of them.
I wrote that post for two reasons:
- First because I love Madison’s self-assured, straight forwardness. I love that she has told me this explicitly. I love that she can verbalize her feelings about being the only black person in our family. I love that. I love her. She is awesome.
- Second because I think if I only write about when I get it then I am a big liar and nobody should read a big liar. I (with Pennie’s help and Madison’s big mouth) kick ass on the adoption stuff (usually) but clearly need to work on the transracial stuff. It’s not like Madison gets to compartmentalize her reality but I know that I am prone to do this. (Dealing with adoption can wear me out emotionally and then I drop the ball on the transracial stuff ‘cuz that wears me out, too. But you know, Madison doesn’t get to pick and choose so I really need to get big picture really quickly.)
But Columbus has resources and those resources aren’t really all that hard to utilize, especially now that she’s schoolage. Given that she refused preschool (oh our delightful affirmative action preschool with a black teacher and black kids!) I just let it go for awhile especially once the constraints of my job kicked in. But now we’re more in our work-a-day groove and come fall there will be stuff to do. And we need to get to IFIF, no excuses. Well, except for the plethora of bar/bat mitzvahs coming up. (sigh) Well, we’ll just split it up then — one parent to one and the other parent to the other. We’ll figure it out because we HAVE to.
And next year? If the budget allows (please god, make the budget allow!): Pact Camp!!!!
Name your top 10 most played bands on iTunes (Or Last.FM):
This was hard to do because iTunes doesn’t show you most played artists — just songs. So I chose the artists whose songs showed up most often in the top of the most-played list and they’re not necessarily in the right order here.
- Elbow
- De Phazz
- Nitin Sawhney
- Beastie Boys
- Sufjan Stevens
- The Decemberists
- Alison Krauss
- Everything but the Girl
- India.Arie
- Kylie Minogue
What was the first song you ever heard by 6 (The Decemberists)?
I had a bunch of songs from The Crane Wife on iTunes from the mp3 blogs but didn’t really hear any of them. I listen to iTunes on shuffle and I tune in and out as I’m working. Well, I noticed that there was a song I kept stopping to listen to whenever it came on and that was “The Island” (it’s a trilogy of songs) because at first it was bugging me but then I was stopping to listen because I loved it.
What is your favorite album of 2 (De Phazz)?
Death by Chocolate.
What is your favorite lyric that 5 (Sufjan Stevens) has sung?
I don’t know that I have a favorite but this song stops me cold in part because of the last lines:
And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floorboards
For the secrets I have hid
This song (and the video I linked to above) is so disturbing and disconcertingly lovely.
How many times have you seen 4 (Beastie Boys) live?
Never, alas.
What is your favorite song by 7 (Alison Krauss)?
Well, a few years ago I kept hitting repeat on “Baby, Now That I’ve Found You” over and over again .
What is a good memory you have involving the music of 10 (Kylie Minogue)?
I listen to her while I work out — it’s why she’s on my most-played list — and I like to work out so I guess that’s a good memory, right?
Is there a song of 3 (Nitin Sawhney) that makes you sad?
Yes. This one. Not for the lyrics so much
What is your favorite lyric that 2 (De Phazz) has sung?
They are not so much about the lyrics, De Phazz.
How did you get into 3 (Nitin Sawhney)?
I can’t remember how I found him but it was this song (linked many times) that really got me hooked. I love this whole album — Beyond Skin. I think he’s absolutely brilliant.
What was the first song you heard by 1 (Elbow)?
Not sure but the first one I really heard was Mirrorball, which is my ringtone.
What is your favorite song by 4 (Beastie Boys)?
Ch-Check it Out.
How many times have you seen 9 (India.Arie) live?
Never.
What is a good memory you have involving 2 (De Phazz)?
Again, they’re good work-out music but also, just fun music. I mean, really — how fun is this?
Is there a song of 8 (Everything but the Girl) that makes you sad?
“Ugly Little Dreams”
There’s some ugly little dreams
For pretty girls to buy
It’s enough to make you mad
But it’s safer just to break down and cry
What is your favorite album of 5 (Sufjan Stevens)?
I’m still getting to know him but right now Illinois is the one rotating most often.
What is your favorite lyric that 3 (Nitin Sawhney) has sung?
And I dream of places far from here
And I call your name to the wind
And I wish the night would take me to another world
Where no one knows a face or has a name
What is your favorite song of 1 (Elbow)?
Mirrorball (natch) and One Day Like This, which is on some movie soundtrack so is probably going to hit radios if it hasn’t already and really is a wonderful, uplifting song (listen to it next time you’re feeling gloomy)
What is your favorite song of 10 (Kylie Minogue)?
Oh gosh, see the thing is she’s a great work-out songstress but I don’t really listen to her. But I guess (thinking) I like working out to Slow best (I have a different mix though) and I’ll admit that I get a total kick out of In Denial
How many times have you seen 8 (Everything but the Girl) live?
Never, which is just so so wrong.
What is your favorite album of 1 (Elbow)?
The Seldom Scene
What is a great memory you have considering 9 (India.Arie)?
Leaving the Obama rally and hearing “There’s Hope” piped through the stadium speakers. (Great bass!)
What was the first song you heard by 8 (Everything but the Girl)?
“Shoot Me Down” and it was love at first listen
What is your favorite cover by 2 (De Phazz)?
I’m not sure that they’ve done any covers.
