List post! Because I’m busy
Jun 30, 2009 Adoption, Race, The Story of My Life, work work work
1. The other day Madison told us that sometimes she wishes we (her family) were all black. Noah and I were talking about this book, (which was excellent). It’s a slim middle reader about a white boy confronting his own racism and Noah asked me to read it. So we were talking about it and I said something like, “I bet Madison gets sick of being the only black person in the room almost all the time” in the context of talking about Daisy scouts next year (we’re looking at a couple of troops where most of the girls are black) and Madison, “Oh yeah I do!” and then she said, “I get tired of being the only black person in this FAMILY! Sometimes I wish you were ALL black!” Then she posited that we adopt a baby sister to be black with her but Noah told her she’d have to share her room so she decided Daisy Scouts was good enough IF they serve snack.
2. I am not surprised that Madison gets tired of being the only black person in our family and I’m freaking proud as hell of her for being able to say it and say it without hesitating. I want her to OWN her feelings because lord knows she has a right to them. I told her that sometimes I wish we were all black, too, and I’m sorry that sometimes it feels lonely in the family. People don’t think she notices but she does. I can see her noticing at every family BBQ. I can’t fix this for her (because I don’t have the emotional fortitude to adopt again even if I could scrape up the money) but I can hear her and believe her and affirm her feelings.
3. I thought of this affirmation bit when I was watching the trailer to this documentary: Off and Running. There are several parts that broke my heart (I can’t wait to see it) but there are two bits that really stayed with me. One was where her mom says, “I’m going to tell you who you are…” and then proceeds to define her daughter only within the context of her adoptive family. Now I don’t know what she said before or after so I’m not talking about this particular mom here but I was thinking about how so many of us adoptive parents don’t see our kids in the context of their whole lives including their beyond-adoption existence. I mean, we don’t see them beyond the context of us. The other part that got to me was when the interviewer asks the young woman if she feels black and she says, “I don’t know what that means.” I want Madison to know what that means.
4. We’re out of coffee but I found a lone diet coke in the ‘fridge. It’s totally not the same but it’ll get me through the morning before I can head to the grocery store. I mention this in case there are embarrassing typos here. It’s the weakness of the diet coke caffeine.
5. Running has improved except that the last time I ran I ended up with a really bad shin splint that was swollen and throbbing. I’ve been icing it for two days and hoping that I don’t have to stop. The thing is with shin splints is that you have to rest but also your legs won’t get stronger if you don’t work them so it’s a balancing act. (I hear shin splints a’re caused by weak ankles, which makes sense to me.) Running has improved my mood, insomnia and occasional headaches. I only noticed the headache part last night when I was taking an ibuprofen for the shin splints and realized I hadn’t hit that bottle for a headache in awhile. But see I just typed that and I have a headache now. I think that’s the diet coke.
6. Last time I ran I was thinking about how I would decorate the waiting room in my office when I have a counseling practice one day. I was thinking about how I wouldn’t want to have glossy magazines because I think glossy magazines do more harm than good so I was thinking about what reading material I would have. It was very pleasant. Until my shin splints started acting up.
7. I get so excited when I think about this new career path! It has so many possibilities and so many different directions. I’m also really grateful for the time I spent full-time freelancing for helping me understand where my strengths lie and what kind of work environment best suits me. Honestly, even with the networking and the late-paying clients, that time spent full-time freelancing was the happiest I’ve ever been work-wise. Seeing a way to getting back to the great parts of it makes me really happy.
8. I’d love to dip my toe back in the freelance waters but can’t figure out the time to find work (it’d have to be really the right kind of projects because I’m so busy) and also what exactly I’d do. I keep doing these speaking engagements and speaking is the best way to find clients, right? (It really is the best way to drum up business.) I do the speaking because I love it but then I have nothing to offer to anyone who wants more after. I don’t have a business, I don’t have a product. So I’ve been thinking about very small consulting — what would that look like? Nothing too big because I don’t want to get back into the whole mess but just something where I could say, “Yes, I could do this for you” because generally after I talk people approach me looking for something and I have nothing to share. It’s too lazy of me. But I have time to think on it because I don’t have any speaking engagements coming up.
9. I recently gave a very touchie-feelie talk about blog narrative that I enjoyed even though the audience was slow to start. I had no idea what to expect (it was at PodCamp Ohio) and we were rushing through my presentation so I kept stopping to try to egg people into volunteering info. When they did I was impressed by how much people shared — it was a really brave audience. I’m getting in touch with my touchie-feelie side professionally. Now that I don’t have to be all selling and stuff. I’d much rather ask how people are feeling than ask about their expected ROI (return on investment). I hate talking in acronyms and jargon.
10. So they cut Brett’s hours at work yesterday. It’s a temporary thing (probably — unless it isn’t) and I’m worried but not just for us. It’s a family business; we know and love the family. I’m worried for all of us. It means we can save on childcare, which is good but things are tight around here and we don’t have a whole lot of wriggle room.
11. It shouldn’t but for me it adds some tension in our open adoption. Pennie honestly doesn’t give a rat’s ass about money as long as her daughter is fed and clothed decently. We were both raised by single parents and we have a similar class background and our values around money are also very similar. But I still feel like I’ve let her down when we can’t whisk her off to dinner when she comes over. She would never expect it. Never ever. And she’s made us dinner tons and tons of time, too, so it’s not like being the blustering big shots is even a dynamic in our open adoption but still I feel it. I want to shower her new baby with gifts and spoil her rotten and I hate that I can’t. Even though I know she understands, I still hate it. I just hate being broke and I hate being ashamed of being broke because I know (theoretically) that there’s no shame in it — we’re working as hard as we can and then a little bit harder (because not only is our A/C broken but so is our dishwasher). And it’s not like we’re alone in our current economic struggles but still.
12. Again with the plus side — I keep thinking about this. See, if I’m a counselor than all of these trials and tribulations? It’s a good thing because it breeds compassion. If I get a client in an economic crisis or struggling with career choices? I’m there, full of empathy.
13. Not that I mean to end on unlucky 13 but looks like I have one more thing to add. I’m short-term pessimistic (very worried about hanging in there until the economy creeps back — did I mention the severe state funding woes that make me a touch nervous about the state of my own job???) but I’m long-term optimistic. The reality is that Brett and I could both lose our jobs and there’s not a whole lot out there to replace them. That’s just facts. But other than keeping my eye on the big picture and trying to keep a lot of crazy-ass balls in the air, what can I do? We know our jobs want to keep us around and that the powers that be there will do what they can to keep things going so we’ll just keep doing the best we can and keep cutting costs (although there aren’t a whole lot left to cut really — we’ve always been frugal and there comes a point where there aren’t really many extras to go) and hold on to each other when we get scared. At least we’re paying our bills.
14. Ok, I’ll end on 14. I’ll end on an up note. I have great kids. I have a great husband. I have fabulous, fabulous friends in real life and through the magic of the computer. I’ve got a job I like with co-workers I adore and long-term plans that make me giddy. And I’ve gone from not being able to jog one lap around the track to running a mile plus without stopping. (Ok, PLODDING a mile plus but still!) I just had to mention the money stuff because the anxiety is an underlying hum in our lives right now and it’s a blog of my life, right? Right. So there you go.
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Now playing: Samamidon – O Death
via FoxyTunes
Tags: budgets, counseling, Madison, money, transracial adoption
20 year meme
Jun 24, 2009 The Story of My Life
Snagged from facebook.
****20 years ago***** (1989)
1) How old were you? A babe in the woods — a mere 19
2) Who were you dating? I wasn’t really dating anyone although I was kinda running around with Chris T (co-worker at Katzinger’s) and was just about to meet Brett the very next year.
3) Where did you work? Katzinger’s Deli and I was in school for part of the time but dropped out to the tune of a nervous breakdown brought on in part by working full-time and going to school full-time and babysitting on the side and basically not having any time to stop and think for a minute.
4) Where did you live? First part of the year, I was living with my roommate Spike (not her real name) and Wendie (her real name) and then that summer I moved out to my own tiny place.
5) Where did you hang out? Crazy Mama’s and Mean Mr. Mustard’s.
6) Did you wear contacts and/or glasses? No although technically I had glasses. I just never wore them.
7) Who were your best friends? I was making friends with the retail women at Katzinger’s — Kimmb., Shari, Judit and Ann Henderson — and pulling away from my then best friends — Wendie, Spike and Teresa.
8 ) How many tattoos did you have? None.
9) How many piercings did you have? Just four — one in one ear, three in the other.
10) What kind of car did you drive? 1982 Datsun 310
11) Had you been to a real party? Why I’d even hosted a real party or two.
12) Had you had your heart broken? Oh yes. Twice.
13) Were you Single/taken/Married/Divorced? Single.
14) Any Kids? Nope.
***10 YEARS AGO*** (1999)
1) How old were you? 29
2) Who were you dating? Married to dear old Brett!!
3) Where did you work? I was home with Noah and had just started freelancing.
4) Where did you live? We were here in Ohio and let’s see, if Noah was two then we were living in Georgetown Apartments and then later that year started renting in Upper Arlington.
5) Where did you hang out? La Leche League, natch.
6) Did you wear contacts and/or glasses? Only at the computer (glasses)
7) Who were your best friends? Liz (the woman who watches my kids nowadays), Ann Henderson, Lu, Janice
8 ) How many tattoos did you have? None
9) How many piercings did you have? Two because I’m sure the other two were closed up by then
10) What car did you drive? For part of that time we didn’t have a car and then we inherited a 1983 Monte Carlo from Janice
11) Had your heart broken? Not that year — broken hearts have not been part of my picture for a long time (thank goodness)
12) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? Married — often even blissfully!
13) Any Kids? A skinny little Noah with barely any hair and sweet slanty-up blue eyes
****TODAY (2009)****
1) How old are you? 39 (and a half)
2) Who are you dating? Still married to Brett
3) Where do you work? a preservation non-profit
4) Where do you live? Worthington
5) Where do you hang out? Seems like I end up at various coffee shops for meetings an awful lot these days
6) Do you wear contacts and/or glasses? Have been needing my glasses more and more
7) Who are your best friends? Homeschool potluckers
8 ) How many tattoos do you have? NONE — it ain’t never gonna happen
9) How many piercings do you have? Two
10) What kind of car do you drive? Either a very old little Honda (can’t remember the make/model) or a minivan
11) Have you had your heart broken? Not since pre-Brett
12) Are you Single/taken/Married/Divorced? Still married to Brett, still often blissful
13) Any Kids? A sturdy stomping Noah with too-long hair and the same sweet slanty-up blue eyes and a curly twirly Madison with sparkling brown eyes who sings her way through the day
Tags: meme
More on grad school
Jun 21, 2009 The Story of My Life, work work work
Apparently this is my 3540th post. I’ve been blogging a long time.
I wanted to write a little more about my grad school decision, which came about in a very circular, meandering way. I was thinking this weekend about mistakes and how I have to make mistakes if I’m going to do something new and how discouraging this can be sometimes. Because I’ll be looking ahead at a Brand New Plan and realize that I will have to bump into things while I learn my way around. I tell the kids all the time that you’re supposed to make mistakes when you’re learning something because sometimes you have to do things wrong to figure out how to do things right but I understand why they kick their feet and whine about it because I feel like that sometimes, too.
I’ve been thinking about my freelance experience and what I loved about it and what I didn’t like about it. It’s taken awhile to figure out what I didn’t like because I kept thinking about it in terms of how I didn’t do this or that well and should have learned to do it better. But the more I thought on it, the more I realized that if you dread a certain part of your job, it’s hard to do it well. And the networking I had to do, I never could figure out how to make that work for me.
There’s a lot of competition for the kind of work I was doing (the consulting part of it) and I’m not great with competition. When Noah first started softball, I remember that he used to let the ball roll right by him. One time I saw him gesture to his team mate, inviting the kid from the outfield to come and get it. I asked him why later and he said, “Well, he wants it more than I do.” This is how I felt about gunning for work.
Don’t get me wrong — I like to work — but I don’t like pushing people around to try to get to a job first. I was listening to a woman talking to another consultant this weekend at PodCamp. She was saying that she was tired of rival consultants inviting her for a friendly coffee and then trying to pump her for information — the same information she was trying to get paid for, right? People do this all the time and you know I never could figure out how to turn someone trying to swipe info into a sale; I’d end up giving too much away. I’d believe people when they’d say that maybe we could partner around this or that and I’d share all my hard-earned info and then never get a call back. I know it’s stupid to give stuff away for free but I like helping people and I always believed (usually mistakenly) that it would pay out in the long-term.
So that was a mistake. But what I learned from that mistake is that I would rather help people then not.
The other thing I learned is that I’m a good listener. I didn’t know this because I do adore hearing myself talk. But I went to a lot of interviews and meetings and lunches and coffees and it turns out that I really like to listen. Most of the jobs I got? I got them because I would start asking my interviewer questions and I’d end up learning a whole bunch about the company and/or project but also about the person doing the interviewing. I’d find out if they liked their job there and what they liked about it and what they did before and if they liked that, too, and how they felt about Columbus and what their hobbies were, etc. etc. I started to love interviews because they were so dang interesting.
But that was sometimes another mistake because sometimes I did more listening than selling. In interviews this worked for me but in those networking meetings? Not so much. Because we’d walk away from each other and maybe they were thinking what a nice person I was but maybe they didn’t have such a great idea of what I had to offer them professionally.
The other thing is that the whole marketing/PR culture is hard for me. A lot of it is very high energy and enthusiastic and contrary to most people, I find cheerleading disheartening. The work was fun; the getting of the work was NOT fun. So the other thing I learned is like a working world that is a little more low-key. (My current marketing job is very low-key, thank goodness.)
There were things I love Love LOVED about freelancing — mainly being my own boss. I am a stop and start kind of worker who gets hell bent on a project and works my own timeline. I like to work that way. I like to lay low and then tear the place apart finishing out a project. I like to spend my thinking time away from my desk and work way into the night. I can’t do that with a regular job and it makes it all a lot less fun for me.
Other things I loved and would look for me in my perfect career:
- Ability to change things up. I get bored easily so I like to have a lot of different ways to work.
- Chance for public speaking. It turns out that I love to give workshops and teach. I want to do more of that. And I’d like to get paid for it.
- More time with people but less time selling.
- Less time at the computer so that I’m not so burned out by the keyboard that my brain hurts when I try to write. (Please note how this blog has suffered as late.)
So like I said, I’ve been thinking about all of these things. I like my job (love my co-workers) and am learning a lot but I know this isn’t the job where I’m going to get my gold watch. I mean, it’s not where I see myself for the rest of my working life. But where then? What then?
A few weeks ago I was talking to someone about some problems he was having in a relationship and he said, “You know, you should be a therapist.” And I said, “Oh people always tell me that.”
They do always tell me that and they have since forever. I’ve thought about being a therapist, too, and have looked more than once at the MSW program here at Ohio State. Thing is, it’s very much about systems and I’m not all that interested in systems, besides which the internship is prohibitive for someone who needs to make a living. But I have gone back and stared at the web site an awful lot wondering if I could make it work.
So digging around, I found another program for a Masters in Counseling Education. You can either prepare to be a school counselor (not for me) or get a masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. Either way, you come out of there ready to get your LPCC (Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor). The great thing about the program is that it’s designed for working students so I wouldn’t have to quit my job (there are very limited fellowships so I need to have a back-up plan). I’ll be applying for fall 2010 but I have no idea how competitive it is.
I’m excited about this. It feels like a flexible enough career that I could do a lot of different things and that my career could look a lot of different ways as time goes on. (Because I really do get bored easily and like change even when change terrifies me.) I hope to focus on adoption issues and my dream of dreams is to do something like what Joyce Pavao is doing in Boston only on a smaller scale.
The other thing is that spending less time typing typing typing would be so great. I’ve been professionally tied to my computer for about a decade now and I’d like to earn a living OFF of it so that I can go back to using the computer for fun. My wrists would thank me, too. And certainly it would give me more to write about, eh?
Ok, so that’s my grad school decision — born from mistakes and small epiphanies.
Oh and I am on week 6 of Couch to 5K and looking forward to ending intervals this week and moving on to short but continuous runs. Hope to build up my speed!
Tags: counseling, graduate school, work
