Disappearing Act
Sep 25, 2006 Adoption, Race, Read/heard/seen
We laughed togther, and then I was able to ask another question I had been needing to ask all along.
“So where you been my whole life? You knew where I was.”
…
“I couldn’t do nothing for you,” he said, “and if I couldn’t do nothing fo ryou, what good did it do to muck up your life? I figured you were better off without my bringing my bad luck your way.”
“But why didn’t you ever visit at least?” I pressed. “Whether or not you had money, just to say hello?”
“You had Paul there,” he countered. “You would have just gotten confused.”
Man, isn’t that always how we justify keeping things from our kids?
But I really typed up this quote from Secret Daughter: A Mixed-Race Daughter and the Mother Who Gave Her Away (author June Cross is another presenter at Nieman) because it’s been on my mind. Even if he couldn’t have lived up to his idea of “father”, she still needed something that only he could give her.
…[T]here was no one who could teach me to pitch a curve ball, play a cool shot at billiards, whistle a decent tune, no one who might have given me the confidence to stand in front of a roomful of strangers and sing a song.
I’ve been thinking about fathers a lot — my own, Jessica’s, Madison’s both birth and adoptive. And so I’m typing this down because I’ll have to give this book back to the library eventually.
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Tags: Madison
I’m not watching
Sep 19, 2006 Race
But I’m reading what the blogosphere is saying about this season’s Survivor:
ASIAN POP / The Tribe Has Spoken
“I think its interesting how each of the other tribes immediately has had to address the issue of stereotypes, and talks about representing for their community, while the white team is here having a cocktail party,” I say.“Thats because theyre just people,” says Suyin. “They dont have to deal with stereotypes.”
My mom really wants me to watch Survivor. She and my sister are totally hooked on it, this season being no exception. My sister tried to convince me it would be a positive thing in the long run but I can’t stomach it. Yeah, it’s great that blogs are talking about but you all known that liberal bloggers are already preaching to the choir.
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Tags: my mom
Invisible blackness
Two (or three?) people sent me this post: High School Haze « A Birth Project. I’ve had her on my bloglines for awhile now and when I read this post I was thinking of Jessica who grew up in a mostly white community and who’s experiences outside her home mirror this in some ways. I know that she has had to defend her blackness to other African American people before. At the same time, because she has black parents, she is able to take for granted her choices in a way that Madison can’t. This makes her the best resource for Madison because she is (obviously) Madison’s mother but also because she straddles two worlds and has most of her life.
It’s another plus for open adoption — I feel very fortunate that Jessica is available to answer my (sometimes stupid) questions and to be a part of our commitment to help Madison forge her African American identity.
But now I’m going to segue to something else I’d been thinking on that is about transracial adoption but isn’t related to the post linked to up there.
One thing I hadn’t understood is how adopting transracially would impact my extended family. When I thought about it, I thought about it in terms of how they would treat our child by adoption. But what I’ve discovered is that adopting transracially has changed the way our relatives think about black people and also how they relate to black people.
What I’m hearing from some relatives is that having Madison in the family has personalized racism for them in a way that’s making them more sensitive to injustice. I am thinking specifically of a relative who ran into an old friend, who is African American, and they were talking about high school (this is why the Birth Project post made me think of it) and when she was listening to the friend she realized in a way she hadn’t before what it must have been for this friend to be one of the only black students in that school. And this led to a discussion that probably wouldn’t have happened if Madison hadn’t been a part of her family.
Because our family has become more sensitive, they are understanding and encouraging when I talk about our struggles to create community for Madison. Because they love Madison, they are more likely to hear (for example) about a friend’s experience in high school and then bring that to us with concern about what they can do to help Madison not feel as alone. I hadn’t expected to find so many partners in our relative and it’s heartening.
Now I have to go shower so I can take Noah to religious school so I can’t write more like I wanted to. Rats.
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Tags: Erica, high school, Madison, Noah, open adoption, racism, transracial, wordpress
Rachel’s Tavern » Reframing Transracial Adoption
Rachel’s Tavern » Reframing Transracial Adoption
The other sort of notion that these articles present is the sort of “love conquers all†mentality, which is naive at best and dangerous at worst. Love only provides a softer place to fall. It doesn’t challenge racism, and for white families who transracially adopt love, plus multicultural education is a great start, but this only works on the individual/small group level. In fact, in the era of colorblind racism very few people would ever acknowledge “hating†any ethnic group. Racism is not about love or hate; it is really about power. Love may be great for an individual child, but love doesn’t stop racism. Only social activism will stop racism, and if they asked the transracial adoptive parents the right sorts of questions in these interviews, they may find that the parents actually agree with my contention here.
Best line? “Racism is not about love or hate; it is really about power.”
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Tags: racism, transracial
Mochamoms
I just sent my check. I want to start going to their monthly meetings because the second prong of our two-part family outreach plan is to find ways for the grown-ups to participate in the local African American community. (Finding opportunities for the kids is much easier.) I figure this is an easy way to do it but put it off all summer because we’ve been so busy and I am spacey (oh and wimpy but I was able to hide that behind the busy and the spacey for awhile). Then last night we were ordering new homeschool supplies and following up with the guy who does Noah’s evaulation to turn in our letter of intent for next year and this was on my list of things to do for fall.
I am just so worried about infringing on the group or being rejected or, frankly, of making an ass of myself. But then I take a deep breath, close my eyes and say, “My god, Dawn, just do it you big hypocrite.” So yeah, I joined.
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Tags: Erica, homeschool, Noah, wordpress