Hard discussions
Lately Madison has been saying, “I don’t like having brown skin” and “I don’t want to have brown skin.” During a talk this morning what it came down to is that she doesn’t want to have brown skin because brown skin means adopted and she doesn’t want to be adopted. She said it’s ok for her dolls to have brown skin but she would prefer not to. This is when I knew for sure it was about adoption and not about brown skin.
She asked the other night, “Did Noah grow in your belly? And I grew in Jessica’s belly?” Then she poked her finger at me. “Don’t do that again, Mommy! I don’t want you to do that a second time!”
She’ll say, “I want pink skin like Noah!”
And, “I want to grow in your belly!”
This is hard stuff to hear but it’s gotta be harder stuff to live.
In one of the adoption books they talk about how you should grieve with your adopted child about how you wish you were biologically connected to them, too. I think this would be good advice except that I don’t wish I’d given birth to Madison. So instead I honor her grief and I listen to her but I also reiterate how happy I am that she’s who she is and that she arrived to our family the way she arrived. Because Madison is wonderful, beautiful Madison because she is Jessica’s daughter and I get to be her mommy because she is adopted. Sometimes I tempted to say this on the heels of her being sad but I think this would be the same thing as dismissing her feelings. What I usually do is cuddle her and say, “You feel sad because you wish I’d been pregnant with you. That would feel a lot less confusing. I understand feeling sad about that. But I want to tell you; you will always be my baby — even when you’re a big huge grown-up woman — and nothing can change that. And I am so so so so happy that you are my daughter and that I am your mother.”
I think that’s the piece she needs to hear from me — not that I’m sad that I didn’t give birth to her but that I’m her mother absolutely. I guess I’m thinking that what she needs to hear is that my motherhood is unchanging, unflinching, and irrevocable. And I think Madison needs to know (and is asking to hear) that she can be sad but that I’m strong enough to weather her sadness and that it doesn’t change my stalwart role as her mommy. And that she can question our togetherness but that I don’t question it and that her questioning doesn’t un-do or threaten us. And that the truths of her life (that she has another mother, that she looks like that mother and not me, and that she came to us instead of simply being of us) can be true without shaking her foundation.
It’s a hard balancing act. I don’t want to get all “chosen child” on her and I want her to know that she’s allowed to be sad but I also want her to know that I think she’s perfect and that she is safely ours and doesn’t need to fear not belonging but that fearing it is also ok and normal and something to work through. Because I think she’s afraid that she doesn’t fit and I want her to know that there’s more than one way to fit.
Brett and I decided that we need to be more spontaneous in talking positively about her adoption in casual ways. Like this morning when we were cuddling in bed, Brett and I told her about when we first met Jessica and how we thought she had the most beautiful eyes and we wondered if Baby Madison would have those same beautiful eyes and sure enough, she does! And on to how much we love gazing into our daughter’s beautiful, wonderful, big brown eyes… (and here we gaze lovingly).
When we talk admiringly about Madison (and there is so much to admire about her!) we sometimes make connections between her and other people in the family. So sometimes it’s “Madison sure loves books! Just like Noah at that age!” because she likes to be like a Noah. And other times it’s “Madison is a great dancer! I think she got that talent from Jessica — they’re both such terrific dancers!” And sometimes we talk admiringly about her alone. When we say she has beautiful skin we don’t always say, “Like Jessica!” because I know that my children stand alone, too. But sometimes I do. Sometimes I do even though I know it might prompt, “But I don’t like to have brown skin” because I want to send her the message that:
1. Those conversations are ok to have and don’t scare me (I’m brave enough to bring it up);
2. I like who she is absolutely even when she struggles with it;
3. One day I think it’ll sink in and she’ll believe me. (Fingers crossed.)
Sometimes it’s hard to have faith in the way my gut tells me to handle this stuff. Talking to people like Micky Duxbury helps a lot because they reassure me that I’m not screwing it up. (You know it’s the real reason I like freelancing — I get to talk to all kinds of experts and squeeze advice about my own life out of ‘em.) Sometimes I feel like I’m flailing but then I go back to what I most believe, which is that the way our adoption is playing out is good and true and so the feelings — even negative — that spring from it are appropriate and acceptable. And that Madison will be ok because she has permission to own her history and process it as she needs to and not as her adults need her to.
Happy thing: Today Madison announced that she wanted toenail polish. She wants pink and she wants blue. I’d mentioned this to Jessica and I told Madison this.
“Oh good,” said Madison. “We can talk about this when we go on our date because she is my birth mommy!”
So see, there is lots of love with the hard and lots of good, too. I don’t want to give the impression that she walks around wishing her adoption away because she doesn’t. She has ambivalence about it, which seems perfectly smart and sensible of her.
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I’ve got so much due Tuesday
Aug 31, 2007 Family, Homeschooling, Race
I’m going to be working all weekend in my dark, dank little basement cubbyhole. On the bright side when I do come up out of my hole it’ll be to splendid weather! I’ve also got to nail down the itinerary to this travel piece and that’s going to be a very complicated jigsaw puzzle to put together. But I’m really happy that the kids (and Brett) will get to have a whole bunch of fun even if I’ll have to work my little fingers to the bone for it. (I get antsy when I’m away from work too long anyway so it’s probably good for me to have to work on the road.)
Yesterday we had Madison’s preschool orientation and clearly this is the year in which Dawn learns to compromise her schooling values for the greater good. The preschool is a nice, clean, well-stocked, NAEYC-approved preschool with very low student to staff ratio (in Madison’s class it’s two adults to nine kids) and weekly swim lessons with a certified instructor. But the real reason we chose it is that it’s diverse — i.e., there are black kids there. Added bonus: No religious education. (The other nearby diverse schools we found were Christian and this was a compromise I was willing to consider but not happily and I’m so relieved that I it’s one I didn’t have to make.)
The big happy is that the old teacher — who I hear was grand — has moved on and the new teacher is AFRICAN AMERICAN! I’m so glad about this! That was high on my wish list but I wasn’t seeing that in the non-church affiliated preschools.
The educational compromise I’m making is that this school is, well, educational. Some of you probably know that No Child Left Behind is being handed-down to preschools and that programs that receive state funding are being told they need to prepare kids for kindergarten by emphasizing academics. I don’t believe this is always developmentally appropriate (link opens a .pdf file). I’d rather preschool focus on social and emotional development and not direct instruction about letters and numbers. But, like virtual school is a compromise I’m making to give Noah options about school, so Madison’s preschool is a compromise to give her access to black friends and (squeezing myself with happiness) black role models. Also while Noah really needed and benefited from a nurturing nursery school-type environment with pretty old-fashioned values about what kids need (lots of open play options, lots of social and emotional instruction), Madison is of sturdier stuff and I think she’ll do ok in a slightly more-pressured environment. Socially she’s light-years ahead of Noah at this age and is far more comfortable hanging with groups of kids than he is even now.
It’s a good fit for her and she’s incredibly excited about going. We’re excited for her, too. (It’s so fun to see your kids in new environments like that!) Jessica is going to try to come visit during her all too brief time off from school, too.
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For anyone wondering if dolls matter
Aug 11, 2007 Race
It all matters.
And please note: I have never had a person of color say it doesn’t matter. The only people who have said that maybe I’m reading too much into it are white.
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The saga of Polly Pocket
My mom came over yesterday to take Noah for a sleepover and she brought a Polly Pocket set for Madison. Both the dolls were white and my mom said she’d look for brown-skinned Pollies and didn’t find any so just got these. I’m kinda rabid about getting Madison brown-skinned toys so I shot off to Target to find a couple of “ethnic” (that catch-all phrase that means “not white” in toy industry language) Pollies to switch out with the white ones.
I was not so successful.
The only not-alabaster Polly I found was this one (this is the best image I could find of her) only the one I found has stick-straight brown hair. (I bought two to switch out both white ones.) Shani, as she is called, is the stand in for all children with a brownish tint to their skin. She is not dark enough to be absolutely not-white (although in looking for her image it looks like in the Polly Pocket straight-to-DVD
I feel so furious and sad about it.
Someone said to me, “Well, don’t you think she should have all kinds of dolls and not just black ones?” Yes, I do but I think they should be in the minority. She has the white cabbage patch that was Noah’s (along with the African American one that was also his) and the giant Raggedy Ann & Andy pair that were mine (along with the African American Ann) and she has a Mandy because Lucia has one. But most of her dolls have brown skin of varying shades and I make an effort to try to keep it that way, thus the midnight Target run for Pollies.
Sometimes I hear, “Aren’t you making too big of a deal out of this?” Ummm, NO. NO I AM NOT. (The only people who ask this are — surprise surprise — WHITE people. You know, people who never have to say, “Gosh, I feel underrepresented by the world and it feels like I don’t exist sometimes!”)
Madison is a minority in her own home already and any time we turn on the tv, pass a billboard or go to the toy aisle she gets the strong message that people who look like her are a deviation of some corporation’s manufactured “norm”. She gets the not-so-subtle message that she is an after-thought to what’s been deemed typical. According to this site, thirty percent of the US population are not represented by the plethora of white Polly Pocket dolls but you’d never know it to visit the toy aisle.
I mean, look: this is supposed to keep the little black girls feeling good about themselves?
I have to go because my beautiful, adorable, fabulous little girl wants me to play with her. She probably wants to play with the racist Polly Pockets. Great.
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Sorry — it’s a list day
Aug 7, 2007 Adoption, Homeschooling, Parenting, Race, The Story of My Life
I’m way too busy (and behind) to do anything else and I just got another assignment/job last night. Ack. (That’s a happy “ack” by the way.)
- I was at a meeting last night sponsored by the Greater Columbus Arts Council about bringing an ArtSpace to Columbus. This is an organization that takes a run-down building and (usually) turns it into a multi-use site with live/work apartments for artists. Because they are subsidized housing there are income limits, which allows artists to find affordable housing within an arts community where they can have their dance or painting studios. As a writer I don’t need special space (I can make do with any flat surface) but the idea of living in a community of creative types does sound lovely. Until I remember what an introvert I am. But this is a great program and right now the folks in charge are looking to see whether or not it would serve the Columbus arts community and whether or not the Powers that Be would support it. I would really love to see it happen because I think it would be a boon to our community. And the lofts they make? Gorgeous!!!
- I have been thinking more and more about how to get Madison more casual access to the African American community and am anxious for preschool to start. I was also thinking about school. At this point I’m still leaning strongly towards homeschooling for her but I think she will want to go to school at some point and I don’t think our district has enough black people to be a good fit for her. We moved here for a lot of reasons — proximity to family, our homeschooling people and my long-time friends, and the presence of an alternative high school that seems like a good fit for Noah. But by the time Noah is out of high school Madison will just be looking at middle school and so even if Noah does decide to go to high school, we could think about moving then. The walkability of this neighborhood is so terrific that I would be loathe to move someplace without it but I think this will be do-able. The city is changing a lot and I’m not sure where it will be in the next five to seven years (so much of school stuff depends on the next presidential administration, too, and what they do with No Child Left Behind). But I’m definitely thinking that we will need to look elsewhere to give Madison more opportunity.
- I’m spending about 50% of my time on business work and 50% of my time on creative work. This suits me. Obviously some days are more one than the other but I kept track of my hours recently and that’s about what I’m doing. Together it adds up to a little less than full-time. This suits me, too. But I miss housewife-ing. I miss taking as much care of the kids as I’d like and baking muffins and making my own hummus but now is the time for work so work I will do. I wish Brett didn’t rely on take-out quite so much but otherwise I’d say he’s doing a pretty fabulous job with the kids. It turns out he doesn’t clean anymore often than I did (drat — I did so hope one of us would be a good housekeeper!) but he’s much more active with the kids. I personally like sticking to home but he takes the kids to parks and activities and things and Madison adores all the action.
- Noah is becoming independently wealthy with his paper route. Remind me to hit the kid up for a loan.
- I’m having very mixed feelings about this virtual school gig we’ve got going on with Noah. His stuff is winging its way to us now and I feel like the cage doors are closing. I’m pretty sure Noah will love virtual school otherwise I’d call the whole thing off. Dealing with the bureaucracy reminded me of the many, many reasons I don’t like the system and I can only hope that we’ll make it our own. At least we won’t be giving up our family flexibility. It’s the best thing about homeschooling — living our lives on our own schedule. With Brett home I feel like we could up and run at any time, which is appealing. When the off-season starts and everyone else is at their desks I think we might take a vacation.
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Tags: baking, creative, Erica, high school, homeschool, Homeschooling, introvert, Madison, Noah, preschool
