this woman’s work

This was the best part of the day.

Madison was singing karoke for Pennie and she had to take a bathroom break. Then she peeked her curly little head outside the bathroom door and said the words that Brett and I have come to dread, “Tushie wipe!”

Brett and I always wait to see who she calls before we make a move. We sit, poised on the edge of our chairs and then when she says, “Tushie wipe, Daddy!” I lean back and laugh and he grudgingly gets up to go wipe a tushie or vice versa. But this time, gentle readers, this time was different. This time Madison said, “Tushie wipe, Pennie!”

Ahh, yes! Open adoption has its privileges!!

Madison always says that like she’s conferring a great privilege. It reminds me of when Noah was about Madison’s age (and I’ve blogged this before and he tells this story a lot so you may have heard it). Brett and I took our time heading in after he called. He said, “What took you so long?” and Brett answered, “We were playing rock, paper, scissors to see who was coming in here.” and Noah said, “Oh, so you won, huh?”

Oh those crazy kids with the high self esteem!

I’m totally wiped out from work today and have some more to do tonight so I’m hitting publish and going back to my open word .doc.

(baby book entry!)

Noah: What is your favorite animal?

Madison: Dog.

Noah: What is your favorite song?

Madison: Team Rocket!

Noah: What is your favorite bird?

Madison: Bluejay. [I detect some coaching here. Not sure if she actually has a favorite bird.]

Noah: What is your favorite food?

Madison: Cheese!

Noah: What is your favorite show?

Madison: Super Why [Mommy likes this because of the African American princess for my own brown-skinned princess wannabe]

Noah: Who’s your favorite cousin?

Madison: Lucia.

Noah: What’s your favorite movie?

Madison: Cinderella. [Again, I suspect coaching. The only Cinderella she's seen is the Brandy version at the grandparents' and she ran around most of the time not watching it.]

Noah: What’s your favorite book?

Madison: Thomas books!

Noah: Who’s awesome?

Madison: Noah! [Ironically I do not suspect coaching here!]

Noah: How much money do you have?

Madison: Five dollars

Noah: Who is your best friend?

Madison: The Feesh! [This is what Brett has nicknamed ThatPatti's son]

He wants to do K12 again next year. I know! He’s crazy. He likes all the busy work and random inane quizzes. He is so not me. But that’s the paradox of unschooling Noah — if I believe he knows his own way then I’m gonna let him do it his own way even though I chose unschooling in part to get him out of that kind of stuff. But he likes it now that he and Brett have figured out how to work it.

He does it in chunks and some of it he skips entirely. So he and Brett did all the math at the beginning of the year. Noah decided to finish spelling (because he loves spelling) by guzzling it down all before the holidays. Now he’s rushing through the reading. And they’re doing science in a chunk. Stuff he’s skipping? Well, he read the history books but decided not to answer the questions. And the art and music he skipped because they were lame. Also he’s into the stuff he’s getting tested on because my son, dear Noah, loves to be evaluated.

(Think of the horror of his kindergarten through fourth grade years when he was utterly without evaluation! Merely learning that which interested him at his own pace! Poor child!)

The other day we all went on a walk to the ice cream parlour and Madison had to run back with Brett in an emergency potty situation so Noah and I were standing around by the old graveyard talking about dead bodies and somehow that led to school. Oh yes, I remember why. Because the graveyard is across from the middle school. I asked him if he ever thinks about going and he said yes. I told him that I thought he might like it because he likes a lot of the things about virtual school that are in regular school. And I said I noticed that he was a lot more peer oriented than he was when he was little so maybe he would really like making new friends. He thought on it and brought it up again a few days ago. He still doesn’t want to do school but he wants to do K12 again so he can get his fair share of worksheets and grades. But no school. He thinks it’d be too much if he had to do it all day so he’d rather skip it. Which is fine. More than fine, really.

I did tell him that if he wanted to try school that he could. We’d ask him to commit a reasonable amount of time to trying it (I have no idea what might be reasonable) but we wouldn’t make him stay if he was miserable. Basically it’s a risk-free proposition. Next year would be his last chance to try out the elementary school across the way from us so if he is going to try I think it’d be a good time to do it. We’ll see how he feels as we get through summer.

This is what so many folks outside of unschooling don’t get about the whole thing. It’s not about sticking your kid in some program — even a non-program program. It’s about doing whatever you think your kid needs to thrive. I don’t like institutional schooling; Noah does. It pained me terrifically (I cannot tell you how much) to commit to K12. I hate it. I hate having some stranger’s nose in my kid’s educational business. But it’s not about me. In Noah’s case, unschooling seems to be schooling right now. Who knows. That might change somewhere down the line. He might want more school and head to a building. He might want less and quit virtual school. I don’t know. But he continues to thrive emotionally and academically and socially so we must be doing something right. The kid is kinda awesome. Mouthy, sure, but awesome.

I took Madison to her gym class yesterday and was able to shuck her off my lap and onto the mat because Noah gamely agreed to sit with the 4-year olds and participate in the activities. I guess this is more than she did last week with Brett. (He has a tougher time figuring out the gentle manipulation it takes to get a small, nervous child to do stuff.) Anyway. This time she sat out there and fiddled with Noah’s collar the way she fiddles with us (”I like the lumps,” she explains, meaning the places where seams meet). But she tried all the games and perked up to talk to the teacher about her birthday and to tell everyone that Noah is her brother, just in case they were getting any big ideas about co-opting him. (She was very pointed with one little girl who kept sidling up to sit on the other side of him.)

So they somersaulted and rolled and marched around with instruments and walked on the balance beam with beanbags on their heads. Noah gamely went along with it all, shooting me the evil eye — but with a grin — every now and then. The teacher, who is a very gentle and patient woman, thanked him for coming along and encouraged him to hang in there with his sister if he could handle it. (There are two more classes and Noah has agreed to go to ‘em both. Between you and me? I think he’s liking all the applause he’s getting from the grown-ups.)

I love my own brother and sister now but back when I was a kid I just resented them for getting in the way of my true destiny as an only child. Noah and Madison fight, bicker and drive each other crazy but there’s a great deal of tenderness between them, too. The night before last, Madison came by to give everyone hugs and kisses before heading off to brush her teeth and Noah turned to me and said, “Madison is so pretty, isn’t she?” Now I don’t remember ever gazing admiringly at my little brother. At least not at eleven. When I was eleven he was nine and it seems to me that if I gazed at him at all, it was with smoldering resentment.

Noah goes out of his way to help Madison (most of the time) and is willing to slow down and pay attention to her (most of the time) and worries about her well-bring (pretty much all of the time). He shares with her way more than my sister ever shared with me (are you listening, Erica, you mean old big sister?) right down to buying her candy at gym class instead of eating it all himself.

For her part, Madison revels in having an older brother. As evidenced by the gym class, she leans on him a lot. She is very proud to claim him and brags on him often to grown-ups who haven’t had the good fortune to meet him. “I have a brother named Noah,” she says. “He has a paper route!”

I was so sad about not having kids as close together as I wanted because I was afraid they would NOT be close and I think they are closer than they would be if Madison had arrived when Noah was four going on five like I planned. I know you can’t predict these things and that Noah’s natural tendency to be nurturing helps things along a whole lot so I’m not quite ready to tell everyone that every 7-years apart sibling pair is going to be perfect. Plus Noah hasn’t actually entered the teen years yet and I’m sure that changes things but so far, so good.

First off, the cake didn’t happen. Pennie called us Saturday night to ask if she could bring by some (a lot!) of food to store for the next day and we, of course, said yes. When she got here she told us that she and Nate took the cake to Nate’s sister’s house and somehow the cake got attacked by ants. Both Pennie and Nate were pretty down about it — naturally. So they bought a cake and turned it into a castle cake. See?

Madison enjoyed the pink roses (she gets that from Aunt Erica) so she was cool about not getting a castle cake.

We had lots of guests and lots of presents and lots of FOOD. There were also lots of pictures, which may be forthcoming if I can drag my tired self to iPhoto and back.

Best present: Pennie’s dad sent Madison dress-up clothes (including a costume with a seashell bra clearly sized for adults — we have pics of both Pennie AND Nate wearing it but I will allow them to choose with whom they want to share those!) and she immediately shucked off her princess dress to put on the hot pink leopard print footie pajamas. But the funniest part was that he sent pictures of himself wearing footie pajamas and holding the ones he sent and wearing a couple of the hats he included in the package. They are hilarious! And wasn’t that a brilliant idea? (Again, I’d love to share these on the internet but feel, sadly, that it is not my place!) Anyway, Madison spent most of the party wearing footie pajamas and then put on one of her new sundresses to go outside in the bitter cold. She’s one of those kids who don’t give a darn about temperature.

There was some hysteria and a touch of bickering but I think mostly everyone had a good time. I know I had a good time. Then Kristen came back awhile later for Paige’s housewarming (Pennie was thisclose to coming but decided to go home to watch zombie movies with her best friend Sam) and I got to see AmFam for the first time in AGES.

Oh and Suz! Susan! I talked to Pennie about Madison’s exploits and she reports that her little sister was pretty much exactly the same way. So not an adoption issue! You two were right! Suz, thanks for the suggestion that I check with Pennie — I appreciate it! It’s a good reminder to me not to see adoption everytime Madison coughs, sniffles and throws a fit. I’m working on changing my mindset (and kneejerk reactions) and trying not to be so hypersensitive in my effort to be sensitive.