Talking to the inlaws
Jul 4, 2001 Ancient Archives, Infertility
Happy 4th of July!
We just had the inlaws over for a pancake breakfast. I used to have some (ahem) issues with them that really had more to do with being an over-protective, new mother than with anything they were doing. I’m more than a little ashamed of it now. I think they’ve forgiven me.
I like them a lot and I’m pretty sure they like me but I think I overwhelm them. I tend to run my mouth non-stop and they’re a pretty quiet family. Of course almost every family is quieter than mine.
We haven’t told them that we’re seeing a fertility doctor but they know we’ve been trying for awhile. I also let it slip that I’m in therapy. That probably didn’t really surprise them; they’re probably relieved actually. They probably got in the car, turned to each other and said, “Well, at least she’s getting some help!”
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Tags: inlaws
This has not been such a great week
Jun 28, 2001 Ancient Archives, Infertility
I think a friendship that was important to me really suffered over the whole LLL fiasco and then I got my progesterone test back and the news wasn’t good (we’ll know more about what’s wrong when I get the results from another bunch of blood tests on Monday). I spent the week trying not to be depressed about these two things.
Happily, today finds me in a much better mood. I’ve made overtures toward the friend which is all I can do (and I’m not letting myself obsess about who said what and who meant what, etc.). And I’m still taking the whole fertility thing one step at a time. Right now I’m focusing on diagnosis and I’ll make decisions about treatment later. I know I have limits stating how far I’m willing to go but I’m not quite sure where those limits are.
I feel frustrated by the fact that I can’t afford adoption. I guess that doesn’t really matter since Brett isn’t as open to adoption as I am. Last night he told me that he really wants to have another child and it’s pretty darn important to him that said child be biological. I hope to adopt someday and I think that Brett will come around but probably not soon. I think our finances would need to be much tighter for him to feel good about adoption. Anyway, after this talk I realized that our limits may not be the same when it comes to fertility treatments. On the one hand, this makes me angry because it’s my body that will have to go through all sorts of ridiculous, humiliating, and/or difficult things but on the other hand, it he wants a biological child with me, there’s really no other choice.
I know it may seem early to be talking about specific treatment options but the next step after diagnosis is sitting down with the doc and discussion options and so it’s actually not too early at all. Just part of that whirlwind of reproductive medicine; a whirlwind that I’m not so sure I want to step into.
I may have mentioned here that my sister tried to have a baby for three or four years and went through a bunch of treatment to have my nephew, Frankie. Sometimes I feel rotten that I’m making such a big deal about babymaking when I’ve “only” been trying for 21 months.
Here’s the thing: I’m naturally more aggressive about getting stuff done than my sister usually is. Also, I’m feeling really driven by a gap between siblings that is already way too wide for my tastes. It absolutely slaughters me that Noah will not have a brother or sister before he’s five. It makes me want to scream and slam my fists against walls. Intellectually, I think it’ll all be fine and fabulous, but emotionally I worry that he will never enjoy his sibling, that that will never be close, that so much adult attention has ruined him forever. (This is not helped by my mother sometimes heaving a sad sigh and saying, “Noah *needs* another baby in the house.” It’s a dagger in my heart when she says stuff like that.) My desperation comes from the fear that I’m failing him; it’s not just the thought of holding a wee baby of my own in my arms again.
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Tags: Noah
Tedium of sex
Jun 15, 2001 Ancient Archives, Infertility
I woke up today to find that my temperature is *still* not up. For you folks playing along at home, that means no ovulation as yet. All the other signs are kicking (in the lexicon of the ‘net that would be: CM and CP) but my body seems to drag things out. This would be fine but as those of you who have had to work at conception know, it makes things tedious in the baby-making department. Speaking of the baby-making department, I’ve noticed the terminology has changed in the five years since we built Noah from scratch. Procreative sex used to be called love olympics (LO — you know how ‘net denizens love acronyms) but now it’s called baby dance (BD, natch). Personally, I prefer LO, thanks. By the way, the miracle baby doctor looked at my charts and said that since I was ovulating so nicely, I was sure to get a baby out of this gig at some point. He’s running the usual battery of hormonal tests to see what’s what; we shall see.
People have been contacting me about the now defunct Spoon Co. former publishers of fine homebirth baby books and nursing journals. They were a hit but we’re lousy at managing a home biz so we quit making ‘em. I’m still listed in yahoo for them (I’ve wrote them about changing it and they haven’t) and it’s likely that if you’re reading this, you linked in from there since that’s where I get a lot of my traffic. Sorry folks, don’t have the books anymore. I’ve been talking to Amy Scott about her maybe taking them on.
Today I have friends coming to dinner so I have to clean the house. I also have to work out. And see my counselor. And make the dinner (much of it in advance). So why in the hell am I sitting here typing on this damn blog????
Dawn, thy name is procrastination.
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Tags: baby book, creative, Infertility, Noah
Hello again
Jun 5, 2001 Ancient Archives, Infertility
I’m finally BACK ON THE BLOG!
What a lot of things have happened since last we spoke. Let me do a quick run-down for y’all:
–A good friend of mine got pregnant, saw the heartbeat, and then sadly, miscarried;
–More sad news for other friends, Used Kids burned down;
–Mart got a job in PR at Banana Republic and moved to Brooklyn;
–Brett and I got a referral to an RE and have an appointment for next week;
–My brother applied for a job at COSI;
–I finished my proposal and sent the whole package out;
–I saved a bunch of family heirlooms for a sorry destiny in the hands of strangers;
–I started therapy and began to enjoy weekly epiphanies.
I spent much of my computer time doing truly wasteful things like reading archived conversations about the terrible, sadistic, and yet-claiming-to-be-Christian Pearls and watching the whole Kaycee nightmare go down.
I am a terrible voyeur.
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Spring rain today
May 8, 2001 Ancient Archives, Infertility
Beautiful.
I have a cold and am deeply, unequivocally blue. I’ve got iTunes programmed to play all my favorite misery songs at random while I pretend to work on an article. Right now, it’s Leonard Cohen’s voice murmuring to me.
I’ve figured out why I’ve been unable to get pregnant but am not quite ready to talk about it with the rest of the world yet. The good news: I know what it is. The bad news: whether or not I can do anything about it is questionable. I can try and I might be able to improve things but I know that there are limits to what I’m willing to do medically. Meanwhile, I have an appointment with a midwife next week and I’ll ask her for a referral to a specialist and I’ll spend the summer (since there is often a wait-list for these specialists) doing what I can with herbs, diet, etc.
That all sounds more dire than I feel. I mean, I am pretty sad right now but I don’t feel hopeless. Cautiously optimistic, maybe, and very shocked.
Ooops, bad iTunes somehow slipped in a lullaby and I’m not in the mood to remember being a loving mother gazing at the baby at my breast. Off to change the song list!
