Not your responsibility
Mar 6, 2003 Friends
Holly’s post made me think about the times I’m offended by people who aren’t actually being offensive.
You know what not offensive thing offends me? People talking about all of their kids. Not always, let me rush to assure you, just on my not-so-great days. It bothers me when people assume fertility and talk about the gift of siblings or even when they bitch about how hard it is to have more than one kid. I get self-conscious during those conversations; I feel like I’m standing there in my emotional underwear.
The other day on one of my writing lists everyone was talking about how wonderful it was to have a second and third kid. How they’re better parents now and enjoy it more and what a gift it’s been. Now they’re allowed to talk about that, my god, they’re allowed to talk about their lives without worrying about offending someone whose life has turned out differently. It did make me sad but that’s my problem (plus I’m ovulating and hormones are powerful).
Anyway, Holly’s comments made me think about how people can’t take care of every imaginable contingency whenever they open their mouths to talk about their own experiences. There is always someone who’s going to be offended because there are a myriad of possible lives to lead. If we’re being as nice as we can be and owning what we say, what else can we do?
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Meeting Sarah and Corrie
Mar 2, 2003 Friends
Sarah, Corrie and their families left about four hours ago. I’m taking a break from working on an article to talk about them.
Sarah, of course, I knew was wonderful from the last meeting. This time her significant other came along and I adored him, too. He’s very funny and he charmed all of the kiddies. Then Sarah announced that she was supposed to be meeting Corrie (I keep wanting to type Co_rye) on Sunday and I said, “Gosh, why don’t you tell her to come here?” So she did!
Corrie is so great. She’s gorgeous, too, as is her brood. Her husband is also swell and it’s very nice when people you like happen to be married to people you like. Todd has a Brett-ish aura about him; he just seems really kind. (As an aside, doesn’t it suck when you love someone but despise her partner? I actually broke up with a friend a few years ago because her husband was such a big-mouthed lout. He’s the kind of guy who would hear about our infertility and say something charming like, “Hey, Brett! You must be doing something wrong! Why don’t you let me have a go at her?” Any wonder they’re no longer part of our lives?)
I really really really hope to see them all again. I told Matt and Sarah that they’re welcome to make our house the regular in-between stopping point when they visit Louisville again. I would also love to see Corrie again and meet her next baby. I showed them the diaper samples I got and as soon as the pics are taken, I’m going to give Corrie the really adorable green farm animal one. You know I must like her because I’m pretty jealous when it comes to kick ass diapers!
I’m just trying to buy her love. Hope it works! 
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Tags: Infertility
Rage, rage against the dying of the light!
Feb 7, 2003 Friends
I didn’t know him well. He was my boyfriend’s friend. My ex-boyfriend’s friend. The ex-boyfriend who I continued to sleep with despite his (and my) commitments to other people.
This man I didn’t know well. I knew that he was smart and I knew that he didn’t like me because he was my boyfriend’s friend and so he wasn’t mine. But he put me in his zine, as a favor to my boyfriend and that was almost the only contact we had with each other.
He played guitar and my boyfriend played bass and even though he, this man, was the more talented musician, my boyfriend got all the credit because he, my boyfriend, had all the charisma.
One day this man called me or I called him and we talked about my boyfriend and how hard it was to live in his multicolored shadow. It was the one time we connected and I hung up the phone feeling angry that this was someone I would never know better and I thought that I could have liked him.
A few years ago he discovered that he had a brain tumor. I happened on his site after the operation and things looked hopeful. At least I thought they did but I don’t know very much about brain tumors. He was creating beautiful music and poetry and I would check in at his web site now and then. He is sober now, still thoughtful and gaining wisdom at a meteoric speed. I liked reading about his life and every once in awhile I dropped him a note. Again, I was struck by how much I think I would have liked him.
I just checked his site today and found out that the tumors are back. He is still writing beautiful poetry. I am offering this link not as an invitation to voyeurs but because his work is so good and I want you to know about it.
Funny how things that happen so far away from us can still stop us cold. Carty Fox is in my thoughts and prayers. I only wish my email could do more than take up space in his surely overflowing inbox.
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I am so-o-o-o-o Tired
Jan 20, 2003 Friends
My friends took me out for a belated birthday dinner last night. Actually I was supposed to go and see Chicago with one of them, too, but I didn’t realize I was supposed to meet her there so I missed the movie waiting for her call. Rats! When I met her at the restaurant she graciously handed me the sad and lonely wasted ticket. Double rats! I’ll stick it in the corner of my mirror as a constant reminder to check with people before making assumptions about our plans.
After dinner, we all went back to L’s house for wine and conversation. I didn’t drink but did get drunk on talking. We shared dirty little secrets. My friends have pretty good ones (really, quite impressive) and I bet you wish you were there to find ‘em out! Sadly I can only tell you mine, not that I have anything very exciting to share. Especially because anything a person does when they’re less than 20 doesn’t really count, in my opinion, so there’s that whole sordid era, which I won’t get into right now. It’s nothing you didn’t do, surely.
Actually my dirty little secret of the moment is that I could be a whole lot nicer to my husband. I have GOT to quit being so damn sarcastic. Sarcasm is Not Nice. Brett is patient patient patient but I think that if he shaved my head while I was sleeping that no one could blame him.
This is my late New Year’s, late birthday resolution: be nicer to Brett.
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My sister’s neighbor
Dec 19, 2002 Friends
Last night at my sister’s cookie exchange, her neighbor invited Noah to come over for her homeschool preschool. It’s not anything hugely formal but C (the neighbor) is a wealth of developmentally appropriate ideas and art projects. Her daughter wasn’t happy at preschool so C. brought her home along with two of her friends for “preschool” at home. She’s invited Noah to be a part of it.
Noah really likes visiting her house and not just because they have cable. C is a wonderful, wonderful, loving, respectful mother. She’s one of those people who are really gifted with children and she “gets” my sometimes prickly son. Her parental creativity astonishes me and I value her input. She used to be a teacher and we’re trying to figure out if she can be my homeschool supervisor even though she hasn’t kept up with her certification. The one drawback, I think, of homeschooling is that it’s hard to gain perspective on your kids but I really trust C’s knowledge and her instincts and I think that her presence in Noah’s life will benefit both him and me.
I’ve learned a lot from watching C parent. She’s so good about loving her children exactly where they’re at and also at encouraging them in everything they do. Her house is always a hubbub of welcoming activity and if she has an art project on the table, there always seems to be enough supplies for every kid in the neighborhood to have a shot at it.
I wish I could let you peek at the way she does things. Any activity is open to the kids’ suggestions and she’s happy to give them lots of room to experiment. But it’s more than that, it’s her language, too. She communicates so respectfully and excitedly; her enthusiasm is genuine. She encourages children to stretch without ever making them feel pushed. That’s a terrific gift.
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Tags: homeschool, Homeschooling, Noah, preschool