It sounds like a bad summer re-run. Haven’t we seen this before? And it wasn’t even much fun the first time around.

I’ll type fast.

I still hadn’t gotten my period as of this morning. I took a pregnancy test. I had a faint second line. I showed it to Brett who saw the line without squinting and pronounced it positive. By 3pm, I started cramping and spotting. Because I’m on progesterone, that’s all it is but this is exactly how my other miscarriages happened.

Now I have these awful choices to make. Do I stay on the progesterone on the outside chance that things could turn out all right? Do I resign myself to the inevitable and go off it now? Brett and I decided that I’ll stay on it (damn the expense) and go in for a blood test on Monday to get the pregnancy (if indeed the faint line was correct) officially confirmed. If it *is* a miscarriage, I don’t know what this does to next month’s treatment. The clomid was supposed to *stop* me from having miscarriages. They ran all the tests and the only thing they could come up with was low progesterone from inadequate ovulation. If that wasn’t what was causing the early misses, what was? Why am I miscarrying again? Am I miscarrying again? When is a faint line (that comes up right away and not ten minutes later) not positive?

I’m feeling a little hammered and my editor just wrote to ask how the latest pregnancy article was coming. I’m working on a second one due tomorrow right now (about playing music during birth) and then tomorrow night I’ll start on the other one.

Knee-deep in pregnancy world in the midst of despair. I wish I was still growling and wearing black because I feel downright bitter right now. The irony does not amuse me. I am sad and I am pissed.

My Political Compass results:
Economic Left/Right: -4.38
Authoritarian/Libertarian: -5.64
That’s right, I’m a little more socially liberal than Ghandi and he’s a little further to the left economically. Another term they use to describe my quadrant is: libertarian socialism. Hmmm. I think the libertarian part comes from my “keep your hands off my body” beliefs. Socialism, well, duh, I’m a bleeding heart liberal. I think that society is obligated to take care of the people in the world who can’t — for whatever reason — take care of themselves. This is also why I’m a Reform Jew.

Judaism seeks the attainment of a just society by the application of its teachings to the economic order, to industry and commerce, and to national and international affairs. It aims at the elimination of man-made misery and suffering, of poverty and degradation, of tyranny and slavery, of social inequality and prejudice, of ill-will and strife. It advocates the promotion of harmonious relations between warring classes on the basis of equity and justice, and the creation of conditions under which human personality may flourish. It pleads for the safeguarding of childhood against exploitation. It champions the cause of all who work and of their right to an adequate standard of living, as prior to the rights of property. Judaism emphasizes the duty of charity, and strives for a social order which will protect men against the material disabilities of old age, sickness and unemployment.
from The Guiding Principles of Reform Judaism, (It was written in 1937, thus the sexism.)

Fellow bloggers, where are you on the Political Compass? I want to know. (As an aside, I bet Holly’s scores would look a lot like mine.) Thanks to Rebecca, my fellow libertarian socialist, for the link.

There are some very nice people who’ve written me recently and I haven’t written them back. I’ve been busy with the new list and with getting this site in order. I’m very sorry about that.

I had a negative pregnancy test this morning. My period hasn’t started but that’s because I’m on the progesterone. I hate to go off it because there’s always the (miniscule) chance that the test is wrong so I’ll wait a bit longer. Also, I want to put off making a decision about clomid for the next month.

I hate what clomid is doing to me but I really want to be pregnant. Everything I’ve read indicates that clomid is, in fact the appropriate treatment for what’s going on with me. I have ovulatory problems and the answer to that is ovulatory medication which is clomid. If that doesn’t work, they usually move on to injectables.

I wish I could feel more positive about all of this. I wish I could get in the groove and start feeling empowered and excited. It doesn’t help when people view my whole infertility saga with skepticism. (And let me take this opportunity to give a special shout out to the person who, last summer, told me that I was probably blowing this whole thing out of proportion.) It’s the infertility cliche. I tell people that we’re trying (unsuccessfully) to have another baby and their response is that maybe I’m trying too hard — because they have this friend who gave up/adopted/went back to work and got pregnant and maybe that would happen to me. Sure, it might. Or I might get pregnant and miscarry again. Or I might not get pregnant again. Because something is *wrong* with me.

On one of my lists, this woman said that she had a friend without a uterus which is, if you didn’t know, an essential piece of baby-making equipment. You know what people said? Just relax! Take a vacation! Quit trying so hard and just make love with your husband! Hello, people, she had no uterus! I am so putting that in my book.

I just read some awful stats. Only 1 in 4 infertile couples will get pregnant without treatment. On the other hand, some 80% will get pregnant with treatment. Well, which side of those stats do I want to be on? But man, I hate the treatment.

I hung out with a friend dealing with infertility today and that always helps. It’s so easy to feel very, very isolated and demented. It’s nice having online folks — really nice — but real live people are even better. Anyway, this friend has been trying for four years. She’s at the point where she feels ok with giving up. Not like going on birth control or anything but letting go. I’m not there yet. I’d like to be but I’m not sure how to flip that switch in my brain. Maybe in another year and half. (Oh my god! How could I deal with this for another year and a half?!)

Today I got a preview copy for a pregnancy book. Tomorrow I need to moderate a roundtable interview for a pregnancy article. I don’t really want to read that book or facilitate that discussion but you know, life trundles on.

Oh well.

I decided to leave the Mama Matrix ring. I think it’s a fine community ring and I have many member blogs on my daily to-read list but I don’t feel 100% great about being a part of it. I think I may lose quite a few hits from leaving. We shall see.

Two good things today: 1) I have a new miracle baby doctor and I’ve decided that I adore him; 2) I wrote the first chapter of my book today. 1,800+ words on virtual paper that signify my commitment to this project.

The doctor seems wonderful. This is part of what I posted on my very small, infertility email list:

I knew things were going to be better when Noah and I were ushered into a office set up with a cozy little circle of chairs. Also, Dr. Schmidt had apparently (novel idea) read my chart right before entering. Grosskinsky (the old one) used to read it as I sat across the desk from him. And I’d remind him of something and he’d look at me like I was crazy then refer back to the chart before believing me.

He said next month he would like to do the clomid again with an hCG trigger which sounds *thrilling* to me. I go in for a progesterone test next Saturday just to see what’s up and the thyroid screen. He said (get this, I’m so excited!) that he welcomes my input! Grosskinsky, in contrast, said (and I quote), “I want you to stop talking to people online or reading web sites unless they’re my web site.”

Interestingly, he’s also the infertility doctor at the zoo so we talked bonobos and gorillas for a bit and he showed Noah a picture of himself playing with a baby lion. Also, his clinical support person is a nice chubby woman (I love having healthcare providers who are chubby ‘cuz they never shake their heads and sigh when they weigh you) with Almond Joys on her desk which was nirvana for Noah. Another thing I liked is that Grosskinsky’s clinical support had a baby collage all over her desk and while that didn’t bother me, I thought it was insensitive. This one didn’t.

Isn’t it a shame that having a doctor that actually respects me and treats me like a human being is an unusual enough event that I have to get all excited about it? Sheesh!

I’ve been getting one DVD a week at the library to watch after Noah’s gone to bed. Last night I watched The Virgin Suicides and really liked it. I give it two thumbs up, four stars, a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.

Last night I was thinking about some of the kids at the daycare where I used to work. It was my second daycare job and they hired me as head teacher of the toddler/wobbler room. The kids (babies really) were ten months (wobbling) on up to two and a half. We had fourteen kids in the room and three teachers. It was a nightmare set to a Raffi soundtrack.