this woman’s work

Pennie just agreed to sit on the Open Adoption panel I’m gonna moderate at the next AAC Conference! Barring things like finals and stuff. I mean, the woman is busy! And it’s a long way off! But I SO want her to come even just to hang at the conference if she doesn’t want to do the panel!!

Right now the yesses and maybes I have are: Pennie (!!!), Shannon, Jenna and maybe just maybe Bacchus! (One or two people may be still in the works — it’s hard since it costs money to present and so I want to find folks who don’t have to hugely travel. Bacchus volunteered!!!  Barb, I would LOVE for you to come but understand if you couldn’t? And then there’s a birth parent near me who I’m waiting to hear from.) I chose people who have a variety of experiences with openness and different challenges but who are all committed to child-centeredness with maybe different results.

That would make it:

Me (moderating less more than participating)

Pennie (first mom)

Shannon (adoptive mom twice in two different-looking circumstances)

Jenna (first mom who is also, as we know, well-connected to many other people’s stories)

Bacchus (adoptive dad who did foster-to-adopt)

And one or two other first parents to be announced. (I’m kinda rooting for a first dad but am not sure if that’ll happen due to scheduling challenges.) Is that too big? It’s kinda big. It might work if it’s just we five, too, so I won’t fret much. But I’d like to have more as back-up since life happens and maybe people who thought they could come won’t be able to.

Read the call over at Open Adoption Support!

I keep tripping over adoption in weird places. I keep meeting people (in real life) who it turns out are adopted, have adopted siblings, lost/placed a baby for adoption, had a mother/aunt/sister/friend/grandmother who lost/placed a baby for adoption, know that there is an adopted sibling/cousin/aunt/nephew who was placed for adoption, etc. etc. etc.

I know I wouldn’t be privvy to these conversations if I didn’t have my own adoption story. I suspect I might not be privvy if my adoption story wasn’t an open adoption story since what leads to these generally intimate conversations is hearing that Pennie is a part of Madison’s life.

Every story is different and every story is in some ways the same. They are all heart-wrenching and moving and so important.

Then this made me think of something else. At the last American Adoption Congress conference, Sharon Roszia asked each triad group to stand. First the adoptees, then the birth families, then the adoptive families. I only stood for the adoptive families even though I am part of an extended birth family. Later I mentioned this to a first mom who was sitting with me sharing pictures and I said I hadn’t stood up because I knew that this family member wasn’t quite out about her adoption and I felt like it was taking on her story. Like I was usurping her story. And this woman leaned in and took my hand and said, “Next time you have to stand!” She said it fiercely. She said, “If you don’t stand, you’re denying that child your family lost! Stop denying her!”

She said it was my story, too, because it’s my family’s story. (And yes, I started to cry. I was already crying when I showed her pictures of Pennie but this set me to sniffling again.)

(I think about how little I know about this story and how afraid I am of digging and yes, it sure helps me understand how this denial happens. I have good intentions — the feelings of the people involved — but maybe those good intentions are misplaced. I don’t know. I’m working through it.)

So likely there are even more of us with adoption stories. Likely there are so many hidden children, hidden shames (hidden families) and really we ought to be talking more about it in real life. Really we ought to be talking about it so that the adoption secrets come spilling out and erase the shame as they come tumbling from the closets we hoped would contain them.

Three new questions up over at Open Adoption Support!!! Questions include: advice for an expectant mom thinking about placement, how to manage holidays and adopting older kids from foster care.

Also, got word that my panel proposal for the American Adoption Congress conference in Cleveland next spring is a go!

Open Adoption: Promises and Truth

Sunday, April 26th 2009

8:45am to 10am

I’m working to line up some fab women (who perhaps you might know! I’m just sayin’!) to share their stories of living open adoption as first and adoptive parents, talking about their expectations before the adoption and the real life challenges and of course the need for more open adoption support.

Once I know for sure who will be there (I have fairly firm yeses from two) I’ll let y’all know.

My husband and I adopted our daughter Madison through Adoption by Gentle Care here in Columbus OH. While we haven’t been to any of the family picnics, we have stayed in touch with our social worker (she also regularly reads my blog and I love her).

Recently our social worker and one of the other adoptive family social workers contacted me for help. Gentle Care has been around since 1985, which means that children adopted through their agency are now adults and they’re starting to call and ask how to find their first families.

Ohio law hinders the agency’s ability to share information but they still want to help families reunite. They came to me to ask if Open Adoption Support could help. Of course I said I’d love to.

I’ve created a private group for families who sought services through Gentle Care and are now seeking their children/parents. Gentle Care will refer folks who contact them to the group and they will be able to post on a private forum to find each other.

I am happy to create similar groups for other agencies. How it works is that when people join, they can contact me if they wanted added to a specific reunion group. They can then share specific contact info in that private forum. I am happy to work with agencies/lawyers who are willing to facilitate reunions but are hindered by state laws and are looking for a legal workaround that will allow them to keep their license while offering reunion services to their former clients.

The software that runs this site is sometimes buggy (as members know!) so if there are any problems making these reunion groups work, please let me know! I’ll do my best to fix things up!!! Meanwhile, please let your agencies/attorneys know that Open Adoption Support is happy to host reunion groups! The more families who find each other, the better!!

[cross-posted at OAS]

Didja hear his firm stance on talking about Bristol? 

“The media should respect Bristol’s privacy. That’s always been the tradition and practice when it comes to the children of candidates.”

And his campaign reiterates, “The children of candidates do not choose to run for office and be thrust into the spotlight.”

(source)

Yeah, McCain! Good on you! Gee, I wonder what changed in ten years? Oh yeah, he’s talking about candidates! Not politicians currently holding office! Those kids are free game! That’s why McCain thought this joke was so hilarious:

“Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? 
Because her father is Janet Reno.”

(source)

But he’s learned his lesson!! You don’t trash kids! In fact — don’t even talk about them! Leave their personal crises alone! Certainly don’t exploit them by, say, bringing on the father of Bristol’s baby to the convention or anything. That might draw attention to her private matter.

(What do you bet they get her married for a photo op.)

McCain needs the pro-life, evangelical vote and he’s willing to exploit chldren to get it.

Someone who worked for This American Life came by Open Adoption Support looking to hook up with someone for a story. This was our exchange (somewhat edited for length):

(more…)

Madison asked me if I picked her name today even though we’ve told her before about Pennie saying to us, “I’m having a little girl and I’m going to name her Madison Michael.” And then I always tell her, “Daddy and I said to ourselves, ‘That is a beautiful name!’” even though the actual story is more complicated. When Madison asked me if I picked her name I reminded her that Pennie picked it and asked her what she thought about that. She said, “Oh fine.” I told her about walking in Florida by the ocean (we left for Destin just a day or two after meeting Pennie) and thinking about Madison Michael and thinking about how I couldn’t wait to meet her.

“Was the before you were married?” she asked. I told her it was after we met Pennie.

“Was I still with Pennie then?”

“Yes, you were in her uterus.”

“Oh, that’s right!” she said, like she needed reminding.

She wanted to hear her whole story again, the story about “the maternity ward” so I told her the whole story again. I said, “I always always wanted a little girl!” and she said, “Now you have one!” Then she asked if I thought pink skin was the prettiest. I said, “I’ll tell you a secret — I think brown skin is prettier.” I told her I didn’t usually talk about it because I didn’t want people with pink skin to feel bad. I told her that I always wanted a dark little girl with brown skin and brown eyes. She said, “You know, I think brown skin is prettier, too.”

Then we talked about all the things she couldn’t do as a baby but that she could do now and we looked at some pictures. I said, “You know what’s even more fun than having a baby Madison?” She wriggled with anticipation and said, “What?” And I said, “Having a 4-year old Madison!” And she laughed with glee.

It is, too. She’s about the funnest thing going.

From the Huffington Post (thanks to Marley for the heads up!): Mark Nickolas: The Anatomy of a Deception: How The McCains Changed Their Baby Adoption Story Just Before 2008 Campaign Began

From Shanamadele: