this woman’s work

Anon asked this:

The comments on my last post made me squirm. See, I think most all of us do the best we can and I often feel like I’m floundering.

I never worry about Madison loving Pennie best. In fact, during one of our conversations yesterday I TOLD her that she can like Pennie best or love Pennie best just like when Noah was little I told him that some days he would love me best and some days he would love Daddy best (and there are days when he loves his grandmother best and not just for the wii). That part of it isn’t hard for me.

What’s hard for me is when to dip into her little head and tell her what I think I see there not knowing if I’m really seeing it or not. I also worry about messing in their relationship too much. So I think, “Should I let them work out all that wrestling?” But if it was Noah and an uncle or a cousin, I’d get involved so I get involved here, too.

The thing I know is that I need to be explicit.

When I was a kid I used to worry because my grandmothers seemed jealous of each other to me. I asked my mom when I was an adult and she said, oh yes they were jealous of each other! And I was picking up on it. It made me tense. Could I mention one in front of the other? I tried to avoid it. I was very worried about hurting anyone’s feelings and it sure didn’t help our relationships.

On the other hand, I also used to worry that my mom would be sad if she knew that sometimes I liked my dad best. Finally, when I was about six, I confessed this to her in a fit of guilt.

“That’s ok,” she said. “You can love him best.”

Sweet relief! The heavy burden of guilt lifted!

I revisited this with my mom, too. Why didn’t it bother her? “Because I knew you loved me,” she answered. “I knew that you loved me enough to take loving me for granted.”

Smart mom, eh? And it was true, too, that my love for her ran (and runs) deep enough that it goes without saying.

I trust my kids’ love for me. I don’t need to compete with their other parent(s) because there’s enough of their love to go around. Plus I have a good role model.

Oh and Madison lost her first tooth! She lost it last night during dinner. She said, “There’s something hard in my burrito!” And I said, “Throw it away.” Then ten minutes later Noah said, “Your tooth!” So Brett had to dig around in the garbage to find it.

Madison called every single person she knew to tell them and then showed the space off to every single person she met today. (She said, “You ask them, Mommy. Ask them do they want to see my tooth!” So I did. Everyone said yes.)

She got a dollar from us and a dollar from her brother. She was afraid of the tooth fairy so we gave up the ghost. I asked her, “Do you think it’s real or pretend?” And she said, “Betend.” I said, “You’re right!” I told her it’s a game we play.

Noah woke up before she did and came into sneak a second dollar under her pillow (his own money!) and then cuddled next to her waiting for her to wake up and find it.

He’s a nice big brother.

We had a good time.

Madison had two options: Hang out here with Pennie while Noah went to skating or go to skating with Pennie. She opted for the second because she wanted to see her friends and also wanted to show her friends to Pennie and vice versa (Pennie’s met them before at our Chanukah party and then again at Madison’s birthday party and some of them she’s known longer than that). But she definitely wanted to show Pennie off; that was clear in her decision making discussion with me. I said she could do whichever she wanted and change her mind or WHATEVER but to talk to Pennie about it and just let me know.

So we went to skating, which was nice for me because I’m the gossip queen with my girlfriends plus it’s fun to see Noah boogie around the rink with his buddies.

Madison and Pennie got 1.3 billion tickets playing skeeball or something like that and Madison got a very small $.10 bouncy ball for her trouble (not to mention all the change in my and Pennie’s purses). Then while Madison ran wild with her friends, Pennie sat with the grown-ups and gabbed with us. (Among the gabbing topics: Our own tween musical tastes. Pennie was cooler because she — growing up in the Pacific Northwest — was listening to Nirvana at 11. I was listening to Annie. Oh and the Madame Alexander record. Yes, she had one. Noah sometimes asks, “Were you a geek when you were my age?” and I can say with absolute certainty that the answer to that is YES.)

Then Madison, punch drunk with exhaustion and excitement, got insane and pummeled Pennie while wrestling with her. Towards the end of the visits she always does this. Brett’s mom calls it “playing puppy” — when kids beat up on a loved one because they’re craving physical intimacy. (It’s what siblings do when they’re not teasing but are grabbing each other or the way Noah will leapfrog onto Brett’s back without warning. You know what I mean?)

Thing is, Madison is strong and she can hurt. And when she’s wound up, it’s hard to wind her down.

On the car ride home she got mad because I was talking to Pennie (Pennie sat with Madison in the backseat and I drove — Noah sits in the wayback of the van because that’s how cool kids hang). She grabbed and growled and made a general nuisance of herself. Pennie handled it well and seems to know that this is playing puppy and not true hostility but it’s not easy for her.

After we dropped her off I thought some about it and this is the conversation we had, more or less. (I want  to add that twice Madison called Pennie “mommy” or “mama” during this visit, both times very affectionately. She is very very very very very very very very fond of her. Loves her madly truly deeply. Clearly yearns for more connection with her, which I’m thinking includes a physical connection with her thus the manhandling when the day wears on and she feels more comfortable.)

Madison: Was I nice to Pennie, mommy?

Me: Well, you were rough with her. I think you just want to play-wrestle with her but sometimes you do some hurting.

[Madison starts looking tremulous around the mouth and eyes]

Me: You know, I think you should try cuddling with Pennie when you’re feeling like you want some wrestling. Pennie is extremely cuddly and I know she would love to cuddle you and smooch you and sit you on her lap.

Madison [in a very small voice]: As cuddly as you, Mommy?

Me: Definitely! [thinking] Madison, do you ever worry that I will feel sad or jealous if you hug Pennie?

Madison [voice still small, looking out the window]: Yes.

Me: Well, don’t worry because I would NOT! I would be very happy to see you cuddling with Pennie! Do I get sad when I see you hugging Daddy?

[Madison shakes her head.]

Me: Of course not! It makes me happy to see you and Daddy loving each other! And it makes me happy to see you and Pennie loving each other! She is your birth mama and your own very special person so of course you would like to hug and cuddle with her. I like my kids to have lots and lots of grown-ups who love them! That makes me feel so good! I would smile and smile to know that you and Pennie have cuddling time together!

Madison: There’s a bridge going across the street! Why?

Ok, so then I knew she was done and she fell asleep pretty soon after that so I think it’s what she wanted to hear.

When we got home and she was awake I asked her if she had any questions about Pennie or about cuddling Pennie.

Madison: Why do you love Pennie?

Me: I love Pennie because she’s your birth mama. She is pretty and funny and smart and she is part of our family.

Madison: Then why doesn’t she live here with our family?

Me: Because she is very busy with work and school and with living her work & school life. We are very busy with paper routes and going skating and making breakfast and in living our regular everyday life. But it would be fun if she lived here, wouldn’t it?

Madison nods.

Me: Maybe one day you two can have a slumber party.

Madison snuggles in deeper and sighs.

Me: It’s hard having two mommies sometimes, isn’t it?

Madison: Yeah.

End of discussion.

You know the whole pro-life even in cases of rape and incest thing? I get that. I do. Because if you truly believe every embryo at conception is a person like I am a person sitting here typing, you can’t quibble. You can’t say it’s ok here but not there. (And I have to add here that I’m bothered by this assumption that every pro-choice woman would handle an unexpected pregnancy the same way; that one has to be politically pro-life to carry a child to term who was conceived by rape. That’s simply not true. Pro-choicers believe that it’s a personal CHOICE, which doesn’t mean that we would all make the same choice whatever the circumstances. I know politically pro-choice women who have given birth to children conceived by rape. It’s about CHOICE; not mandates.)

So that — while I philosophically disagree with it — I get.

But I don’t get her willingness to trudge forward even though she is so obviously unprepared to be president. And I don’t get why people are still voting because they “like” her. Listen, I like my mom a whole lot. I love her politics and she’s a helluva lot more informed than Ms. Palin but I sure wouldn’t vote for her to be vice president. It’s not a learn as you go job.

I’m intrigued that she calls herself a feminist. In my mind, CHOICE is central to feminist belief. Not just (and not necessarily) reproductive choice. Although I find that absolutely unequivocally at the heart of my feminism, I understand that if you truly think an embryo ought to have the same human rights as a child that you just can’t go there. (It bothers me that you want to stop anyone else from going there either but I get it.) But other choices matter, too. I don’t know how she feels about supporting programs that give women choices because she wouldn’t talk to Moms Rising about it. That her office wouldn’t even let them drop off a stack of paper doesn’t reassure me.

Note — she says she wants to make adoption easier. Easier how? And for whom? Adoptive parents who adopt newborns from private agencies (you know, adoptions that are held up as the great alternative to abortion) already get huge tax breaks. So now are you going to eliminate homestudies so we don’t have to clean our houses and answer all those pesky questions? Maybe she means easier by creating a plethora of infants available for our hungry little homes.

Or does she mean she’ll make it easier for women to place? How’s she going to do that? It’s already pretty easy to find someone who’s willing to get your baby adopted away from you — especially if you’re white and healthy. Boy howdy is it easy! Just set up a myspace mentioning that you’re young and pregnant and out come the wolves! (That link goes to Jenna’s blog — if you haven’t read that post yet, you should. It will make you insane.)

Yeah, I’m not getting that whole “easier to adopt” thing. (She said this during the interview where they talked about evolution, charging for rape kits, and whether or not she’s a feminist.)

Oh one more thing. I HATE how often she uses passive sentences. Yikes. She’s never doing stuff — stuff is getting done. “Adoptions to be made easier” not “make adoptions easier” or “make it easier to adopt.” MS Word’s grammar check would have a field day with her!

Tomorrow Pennie comes! And if any of y’all forget that, Madison will remind you. She. Is. EXCITED!!! She is going to show Pennie how to skate! (Not that Madison can skate but hey, don’t get hung up on logistics.)

I’m trying to remember the last time we saw Pennie — I think it was at her picnic so longer than we usually go between visits. No fun! But Pennie is very busy going to school full-time and working MORE than full-time. Phone calls are great but visits are even better!

Anyway, Madison has been bursting with excitement since Sunday when we found out that Wednesday would be the day. Sunday night she said, “Pennie is coming soon!” Monday she said, “Tomorrow is Grandma and then PENNIE!” Monday evening she said, “L’shanah tovah! First Grandma and then PENNIE!”

All day today she’d randomly jump up and say, “PENNIE PENNIE PENNIE!” and run around.

After my mom took us out to eat (Aladdin’s — thanks Mom!) we went to the park to run the kids wild. We ended up seeing one of Madison’s friends and Noah trotted off to another friend’s house and then brought her back to the park. When it was time to go the kids all climbed into the van and we took Molly home.

I said something about tomorrow and Madison said, “PENNIE PENNIE PENNIE!”

Molly said, “Who’s Pennie?”

And Madison said, “She’s my birth mama! She’s who made me brown!”

The cuteness! It kills me!