How to help a grieving infant
Mar 15, 2003 Adoption
So what do you do if your adopted infant is grieving? Again, this is excerpted from Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Parents Knew
HOLD NEWBORNS
Dr. Gregory C. Keck, attachment specialist and founder of the Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio, said … “If adoptive parents are educated about attachment issues and would hold the child closely … and just didn’t put him down for the first month, you probably would have a whole different outcome.”NURSE NEWBORNS
Another way to facilitate attachment is for the adoptive mother to nurse the newly adopted infant. [Here they talk about supplemental nursing systems -- I need to get one, I got the pump on Thursday -- but skin-to-skin contact in bottlefeeding would probably go a long way, too.]USE SLING-STYLE CARRIERS
Dr. Connie Dawson recommends holding the baby until it “body-molds” to you.
They also recommend picking the baby up whenever it cries.
This, of course, is how we parented Noah. You know, it reminds me of education policies for gifted kids. Gifted kids get to do all kinds of really nifty things in their specialized, segregated programs but every kid would benefit from having that sort of enrichment. Why don’t we treat every child well instead of waiting and trying to “fix” things or meet the needs of a chosen few?
Well, I’ve got three of four slings, a baby trekker, a borrowed baby bjorn and two backpacks so I am ready for an in-arms baby again.
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Tags: Noah
Food for thought
Mar 13, 2003 Adoption
From Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Parents Knew
None of us wants to acknowledge the negative, painful side [of adoption] — that is, loss. But the truth is, the very act of adoption is built on loss. For the birth parents, the loss of their biological offspring, the relationship that could have been, a very part of themselves. For the adoptive parents, the loss of giving birth to a biological child, the child whose face will never mirror theirs. And for the adopted child, the loss of the birth parents, the earliest experience of belonging and acceptance. To deny adoption loss is to deny the emotional reality of everyone involved.
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The adoption paper work
Feb 22, 2003 Adoption
It arrived yesterday. It’s incredibly daunting but they include a little check sheet and remind you to take it one piece of paper at a time.
I need to have five non-family references and our agency asks that one be from a physician and one from our “spiritual advisor.” I wrote them and said that we don’t have a family doctor and Noah’s doctor has changed since our insurance changed besides which the doctor barely even knows him because Noah is never sick. She said we could skip the doctor and add another friend. Then I wrote our rabbi to give him a heads up and heard nary a word. Arghh.
We have a training at the end of March about the process specifically at the agency and we’re supposed to turn in a rough draft of our autobiography. I’ve started that. It’s exciting to have this fat, packet of paper even if the size of it is overwhelming.
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Tags: Noah, our agency
Yesterday
Feb 9, 2003 Adoption
We went to the Interracial Families in Friendship potluck last night. Everyone was incredibly friendly and generous about sharing their adoption stories. Most of the children there last night were preschool aged but I hear there are a couple of boys around Noah’s age who usually come, too. Despite being a bigger kid there, Noah had fun. The children organized a game of “duck-duck-goose” but since they were so little, anytime anyone was “goosed” the whole circle got up and ran. It was pretty darling.
The parents there told us that once your homestudy is done, we should be prepared for it to happen any day. Sometimes it takes a few months but sometimes it only takes a few weeks. They had a variety of birth parent scenarios — ones who have some contact and ones who don’t want any — and a few of the children were adopted out of foster care. It was enlightening to hear their stories and also to get the scoop on the social worker that’s been assigned to us. (We hear she’s very nice.)
I can’t wait to get moving!!!!!!
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A couple at the training
Feb 5, 2003 Adoption
There was a couple who said that they felt capable of raising a multiracial child because they themselves are diverse. Diverse in what way, you ask? He was raised Greek Orthodox and now they’re Evangelical Christians. Right. That is like totally diverse. Later she came over to me and told me that I shouldn’t worry about the racist implications of a transracial adoption but maybe I should do what she and her husband did and move to an interracial neighborhood (we already live in one) and that I shouldn’t get hung up on crime.
“We tell all our friends that they shouldn’t be scared to move by us!” she said enthusiastically. Umm, ok. So all her friends are racists.
“Besides,” she went on. “Our old pastor has two black children but now he’s in Minnesota and I guess it’s really racist in the true midwest. I’m so glad it’s not like that here.”
I grunted something unintelligable and looked desperately over her shoulder to see if Brett was coming to rescue me.
“You know what I say,” she continued. “I work in retail and you know what I say when I train someone. I say, you have to treat everyone the same! I mean, some people look practically homeless and they might have a lot of money! You just never know, right?”
“Actually,” I ventured. “Color blindness — pretending we’re all the same — is a form of racism.”
“Oh right, right,” she nodded agreeably. “I think all colors are equally beautiful.”
Fortunately, there was another couple we hooked up with who had the exact same questions that I did. We exchanged emails (I wonder where I put hers?) and they told me I should check out Interacial Families in Friendship, the local transracial adoption group. I’m on their email list but was hesitant about showing up because we haven’t adopted yet but this couple said that we would most certainly be welcome. Both the social workers at the training recommended it as an excellent resource, too. There’s a potluck this Saturday and I think we’re going to go.
