I’m feeling so much better today. I made a resolution to start talking to friends and asking for help which is *hard.* I think I’m typical of many adult-children of abuse survivors (and let me just say that writing that felt so ’90s) in that my tendency is to close-up and not ask for help when I need it. It’s hard for me to trust people and when I get disappointed, my instinct is to head for the hills. Recently (and with the help of therapy), I’ve been taking a deep breath and telling people that I’m hurting and could use a hand. It’s been terrifying and the first time I did it, I got burned. But I’ve kept on trying and I am so fucking gratified to find out that there are people not related to me who care about me.
Today I had coffee with a friend (coffee is my post-period/post-miscarriage treat — if I’m not pregnant, then at least I can have caffeine) and we had a great time. Then she asked how the infertility deal was going and I told her about the miscarriage and she actually teared up. That of course made *me* tear up. But it meant so much to me that she CARED. And she gave me a big hug and said, “That’s for Friday.”

I don’t know why I’m surprised when people are nice. Most people *are* nice. Infertility sucks, goodness knows, but at least it’s been an opportunity to learn how to do this friendship thing.

In other not reproductively-related news, the agent is leaving her agency and she’s taking my proposal along with her. She said she has two more folks lined up to look at it and that one is very interested. Also, my friend Betsy has asked me to come along on her next project (I’m not sure if it’s public knowledge yet so I will leave that vague) as a “contributing senior editor.” I’m excited about that and honored that she and Nancy have that much confidence in me since I haven’t been too great about writing my book reviews. The person with whom I had coffee is interested in leading parenting groups with me, too. Maybe our finances will turn around for the better. Also I jogged for the first time Friday. Not well, mind you, and not far but I did jog. So maybe I’ll get in shape, too.

Maybe soon I’ll be financially solvent, slim, and fertile!!! And I’ll sell the book and it’ll make the top ten!!! And then all my ex-boyfriends will call me and say, “Oh dearest lovely Dawn, how could I have let you go!” And I’ll toss my head of perfectly cut hair and laugh as I slip into my green VW to drive to the airport where I’ll be meeting my family and flying out to our little farm in Provence!

Oh dear me, I think that coffee might have been a bit strong today.

p.s. I have a poem at Cuntzilla now. Check it out. For those of you who knew me 10 - 15 years ago, can you guess who it’s about?

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